6yr old DS very emotional and feels picked on

[Ponderinganother]

Hi Ladies,

Havent posted in a while but good old mumsnet is always here when I am worried about DS.

DS is generally quite a sensitive boy but over past 3 weeks he has come home after school emotional and it seems the smallest thing will trigger tears.

He has consistently been telling me that 'all' his friends blame him for everything e.g playgound politics or accident etc... He says he tries to tell them that whatever happened was an accident and then they threaten to tell teacher etc....

Now I thought that this is just what goes on in the playground and that they all do it to each other but according to DS it is more him than anyone else.

I don't have another DC to compare or use as benchmark so I dont know if he is distorting things in his little 6yr old mind or if I should actually take notice. Reluctant to just dismiss because when I have done that in the past he has turned out to be right..cue mummy feeling really bad.

Teachers at parents evening said it took him a little while to settle in year one but he is never the 'ring leader' but very easily influenced (I heard his teacher say this to to two other parents before me so I am concerned just a generic response!). She then said but he has improved greatly and I am not concerned about him. DC however thinks otherwise and that he is always being told off.

Conversation with DC last night went something like this.

Me: DC does this happen every day or just sometimes?
DC: Every day mummy!
Me: How many children are saying this to you?
DC: Sometimes 1, sometimes more than 1
DC: I am a rubbish boy, not a nice boy
ME: DC that is absolutely not true and we love you so much
DC: Bursts into tears. NO I am useless, everyone thinks so!
ME: Not at all DC, you have friends who like you, you are doing very well in school and we love you more than anything in the world!

No matter how much I try to console him I never seem to be able to make him feel better. I have tried so many ways and that little boy is certainly not short of love and our time.

I just don't know what to do so desperatley hoping for some perspective or some suggestions.

Sorry for the long post!

Hi Pondering,
I'm not sure I have any very sage advice (sorry) but I felt so heartbroken for you reading this post! I had a similar issue with my 6yo DS and my 4yo DD a few months ago, so I know how powerless and helpless you feel. You just wish you could wrap them up in cotton wool and make it all better.
One thing to consider: is he really suffering at the hands of some unfriendly kids at school or is he just tired and emotional after a long day at school? I found my DS was complaining that no-one liked him, no-one would play with him, etc. and although that might have been partially true, it was also hugely multiplied in his mind because he was knackered after school. My DH and I spoke to the class teacher one day about it - just to let her know this is what he was telling us. She said she'd keep an eye out but that she'd already observed that he was just very lost in the big school, so he couldn't find his friends at playtime. So she made a point of looking out for him at break time etc. and he's fine now.
If you actually corner the teacher specifically about this you may find she's more helpful that she seemed at the parents' evening, particularly if she knows how badly its affection your LO.
How does he behave in the morning when he's getting ready for school? Does he seem reluctant to go or is he alright?
I'm really feeling for you! xx

Oh, and the other thing is, has he mentioned any specific kids who are saying these things? Have you pushed him to identify anyone? That can also help the teacher in keeping an eye on things.

Thanks Baggy!

Your situations sounds very much like what we are going through! I hope you are some way to resolving it!

I am going to see his teacher in 1.5 weeks' time to talk to her about it. Until then I thought about printing off a calendar and asking DC every day if it has happened again and mark it down on a daily basis. This way I might be able to get some perspective on how often it is actually happening before I go and speak to her. My only worry with that, is that it will be reminding DC every day of the issue but I don't know how else to get a more accurate guage of the occurrences.

He could indeed be tired after a long day and this may be exaggerating the issue for him. He seems (apart from usual reluctance ot get out of bed/dressed etc) to be okay on the way to school etc..

Also had the exact same 'can't find my friends' from him. I hope I can trust the school to actually monitor him anot just say they will! I know mum of another boy in his class tried to sort that out with teacher and they didnt really do anything.

Any votes yes/no for the calendar thing?

Oh good, glad you are seeing the teacher. I'm not sure about asking DS everyday - I think you are in danger of prompting/leading him to tell you something that may not be accurate and as you say, reminding him of something he may have forgotten about or got over.
You could keep a calendar but only mark it if he spontaneously tells you something happened.
Incidentally, my DS is also a very sensitive little chap and I suspect this kind of reaction to unfriendly is going to be fairly common with that type of personality. Mine is fine now, though. He knows his way round the school and doesn't complain of any problems anymore. I hope the same will be true for yours soon!

sorry about all my typos and grammatical errors. I'm very tired today!

It does depend on the child as to how they approach that sort of thing.
Dd1 wouldn't say anything, you learn that sort of thing either through other people or through off the cuff comments from her eg "I liked the library, it was really warm today" "do you go to the library a lot?" "I go every day because X won't let me play, anyway I prefer the library". If you ask any questions she clams up.

Dd2 does very well the "everyone says go away/hates me/won't play" "I never have anyone to play with". If you ask someone who was there it generally isn't true at all. If you ask her, then the whole school can be ganging up on her, and certainly she will never have any friends and life is dreadful.... The more you ask, the worse the tales go.

Ds does the "everyone won't play". But not very convincingly. Because if you follow it up with "what did you do at lunch?" he'd say "well, me and A fetched the football, and A, B C D were on my team and we beat the blue team (that's my friends W X Y Z) by 120 000 goals to 3 and they only got those three because C scored an own goal. And we laughed and laughed because it was really funny."