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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

17 month DD hates the sight of me :(

18 replies

PunkyPod · 26/11/2013 21:24

My DD is 17 months, a little firecracker but a sweet, funny, happy girl. She's not particularly a mummy or daddy's girl, she has brilliant relationships with both of us.

But when she is gearing up for a paddy even the sight of me sends her into overdrive meltdown. Unbelievable screaming, rage, hitting her head on the floor/cot bars, scratching at her face, hitting me... Won't let me hold her, doesn't even want me to touch her. If she catches me even looking at her she'll up the rage even more. I have tried everything and I just can't console her when she goes into one of these (is it a tantrum?).

If DP or grandparents deal with her when she's about to throw a wobbly about something then she doesn't kick into that extra gear. The crying is over quickly and it's not a big deal.

It's really upsetting that she gets so so upset over something but it's even worse that me even being there makes things so much worse.

We're really close, she's our only child so far. I'm a fair, fun mum. So I just can't understand it...

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SteamWisher · 26/11/2013 21:29

Maybe she is angry because she wants you to make it better but she can't tell you?

I wouldn't try and hold her, just stand near her and tell her it's okay, mummy is here. Sit down next to her calmly and wait for it to be done. Then when it is, give her a cuddle and tell her it's ok, she was just a bit cross/tired etc.

Original poster

PunkyPod · 26/11/2013 21:57

Thanks Steam. I think when it happens during the day that is what I would do. Lately it's been at bed/nap time. She goes in there ok, milk ok, story ok, I go out the room ok. But after a while of her trying to settle she starts to get upset. So I go in to try and help settle her. I sit by the cot, talk softly, pat her, sit in the chair across the room etc. but it sends her into overdrive. I think about letting her thrash it out but it's when she starts to throw her head on the cot bars that I feel I have to intervene, I can't watch her hurt herself like that. Should I just take her out of the cot and put her on the floor?

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Beamur · 26/11/2013 22:03

What would happen if you didn't go in to settle her? Tantrums are often about a lack of ability to communicate, so the fact that you are there but she can't get you to understand her makes it worse?
My DD had only a handful of spectacular meltdowns - all when tired and about this age too. She got worse if I tried to calm her down, I found standing somewhere she could see me, but not looking at her or trying to touch her was the best approach. She finally calmed down by herself.
They can understand more than they can verbalise at this age too, so you could try saying (after it's over) that you understand she got upset, but it's ok now.

Original poster

PunkyPod · 26/11/2013 22:08

Ok, I think I will try that then. Thank you. I'll sit on the chair over the side of the room and just wait it out. Obviously the screaming is horrid but it's just when she starts hurting herself that I feel very upset.

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SteamWisher · 26/11/2013 22:09

It sounds like you're doing a lot of things to settle her?Maybe stay with her until she falls asleep - just tell her it's time to sleep and sit next to the cot? My dd used to get very cross at bedtime. I found that talking calmly, telling her it was time to sleep over and over again helped.

Auriga · 26/11/2013 22:09

My DD went through a short phase of doing this at that age. It seemed to be something to do with difficulty in letting go. It always happened when she needed to sleep or was just waking.

I had to accept in the end that patting, soothing, saying anything, or even breathing in as if I was about to say anything, would set her off from the beginning again.

Once I learned to get out of sight, stay silent and let her cry herself to sleep, it stopped within a couple of days.

Made me feel sick at the time, though.

If she'd be safer on the floor, maybe put her there before either leaving or making yourself small in a corner with no eye contact.

Original poster

PunkyPod · 26/11/2013 22:22

Thank you, it has helped me to read these comments. Ok, I'm going to go with the approach of initially trying to calm her (assuming she's not hysterical at the sight of me) and if she starts getting very very cross then sitting over the other side of the room just so she knows she's not alone. We're good at talking through what we are doing with her, but perhaps we've let that slip a bit and she might be feeling like bedtime/nap time is being done TO her rather than FOR/WITH her.

It's so sad, her reaction to me is so extreme

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mustardtomango · 26/11/2013 22:37

Could it be that she does it to your because she's closest to you?

Original poster

PunkyPod · 26/11/2013 23:09

Yeh Mustard, DP and friends have suggested this to me. I honestly don't think she really hates me, we are great buddies and have a lot of fun together. But I just cannot navigate these rages and it's so sad that my effect on her is to make the situation even worse :(
A few months ago she'd start having a strop during the day when I walked in the room. That's passed though thankfully although I sometimes get glimpses of it. But this sleep time tantruming at me is relatively new.

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bluboy145 · 27/11/2013 09:20

I'm having similar issues with my 2.8 dd. when she is over tired her melt downs are horrendous. She always seems to take it out on me the most. I'm with her more than anyone so I guess it's to be expected. When she was younger I would put her on the floor as she climbed out of the cot a few times and hurt herself. But now I can reason with her because she understands alot more. I haven't really got any good advice because I'm still going through it. But what I do know is when she is over tired it happens more.

Original poster

PunkyPod · 27/11/2013 21:04

Thanks Blue. Sorry to hear you are still going through the rage. This evening we talked to her a lot more. She was really happy about her bedtime routine and even went and laid down on her sleeping bag when we asked her to. Anyway, sure enough once she'd had her milk she started shouting. We listened to the crying and decided it was definitely a very deliberate shouty cry. We agreed to leave her to it (hurt me so bad to hear it :( ) but she stopped after 10 mins. I'm hoping doing a bit of this will get her back in the swing of sleep time. She's always been a fab sleeper so this is unusual. Hate the crying, but at least tonight she didn't go into her rage.

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omama · 27/11/2013 22:12

OP theres a massive developmental leap at 17 months (check out wonder weeks) then the infamous 18 month sleep regression right after it. So unfortunately its prime time for bedtime antics, night waking, early waking - you name it.

One thing I will add though - is its also an age when their sleep needs can change a bit & they can start to need a slightly later nap +/or bedtime. Performances at bedtime can be down to being overtired, but if your dd is generally well rested & naps well, it may simply be that she's not tired enough at the times when you are trying to put her to bed. It might be something as simple as shifting her nap 30mins later could make all the difference. If you want to post her routine I'd be happy to take a look. Hth.

omama · 27/11/2013 22:13

Oh & forgot to add on the end of the bit about developmental leaps - it'll soon pass!

Original poster

PunkyPod · 28/11/2013 12:48

Thank you for your lovely message Omama. I have the WW app but hadn't thought to check. It all makes sense now, she's always been a super sleeper and goes to bed so nicely and reliably so these antics are strange for us. And with her temperament it's tricky to deal with. She's not a cuddly baby, infact she basically repels them! So if she needs help going to sleep then a little patting while she's laying down is as much contact as she'll tolerate. And with these explosions of upset that I described it's not even possible to do that!!
Interesting about moving her sleep. She doesn't have a rigid routine to be honest, 2 days a week she's with my family, 2 days at nursery and then 1 day with DP or me and then it's the weekend. I work full time you see... So although she has 1 sleep a day at my family it's around 11am and at nursery they go down at midday. When she's with us we're usually doing something so have to encourage a nap in the car/buggy/sling or at home of course.
We're not dashing around this weekend so I'm going to experiment with her nap. She normally does 1-1.5 hours. Is that enough?
She gets up at 7 and goes to bed around 7pm.

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Original poster

PunkyPod · 28/11/2013 23:22

Urgh it's only 11:20pm and it's already been a hard night! No rage I'm pleased to say and I was just as acceptable to soothe her as DP but she's finding sleep so difficult. Hope this phase passes soon.

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omama · 01/12/2013 22:52

Hiya

Sorry only just getting round to catching up on mn this weekend! Sounds quite likely to be developmental if she's been a good sleeper up to press so may just be a case of riding it out.

1-1.5hrs sounds a little on the short side, but if she's getting a full 12hrs at night & seems well rested its probably enough.

If it helps, at same age my ds used to nap at around 12-12.30 for approx 2hrs & would then sleep approx 7.30pm to 7am

One other thought - Is she creating for other family members/nursery when they put her down to nap or is it just you who gets the fighting? Was just thinking if its only at home/with you then could be more of a testing boundaries thing rather than needing any change to her routine.

Hth & doesnt confuse things!

Enidnoelslaw · 02/12/2013 07:39

I have a DS the same age and something that seems to help is being very empathic when he's angry - I say "oh you're very angry about that, you're very upset" and that acknowledgement and acceptance of how he is seems to allow him to move through it and calm down. Like if he's annoyed about me taking something he shouldn't have from him and he's starting to tantrum I say "oh you're very angry I've taken that away, you wish you could play with it" and it seems to help with his inability to vocalise that to have me do it iyswim? This too shall pass!

Original poster

PunkyPod · 04/12/2013 10:52

Thank you both!!

I am so happy to say as quickly as this rage came, it has gone. We have deliberately communicated with her a lot more and wow she's gone back to normal. I think it was a leap. She's walking a lot better, trying to run, started being a bit more affectionate, got a few more words and her understanding has come on considerably.

She doesn't hate me any more!!!!!

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