5year old Serial attention seeker - what is she trying to tell me?! R We missing something?

[Onmyown3]

Please help if you can... (I know it's long trail but don't know how else to explain, out of options! :'(

I have 3 beautiful, well behaved children that I love with all my heart Aged 1,2 & 5.

Dh & I both work full time, I work from home and try and have at least an afternoon/ morning each week spent with each of our children as 1 on 1 time. I normally reward good behaviour with quality time ie - breakfast out with mummy, park, cinema etc.

I would really appreciate some helpful suggestions about our eldest & only daughters behaviour as she completely rules the house hold & dh, myself, school & even our health visitor are out of suggestions!

As our first child she was what some may described as very 'spoilt' both with attention & materially from the day she was born. This is my fault as when I went back to work I felt such guilt that I put all my spare salary and spare waking moment of my time indulging my daughter.

Today she is 5 & She is well behaved 70% of the time, intelligent, , thoughtful & generally very well mannered but can change in a split second - she can be manipulative, greedy, attention seeking (some of the scenes during one of her tantrums would not look out of place in a horror movie)

The main problem is this - my daughter will do anything for attention good or bad. I've tried reward charts, time out, ignoring it, talking to her, giving her more attention, rewards/ stickers etc, praising all gd behaviour and none of it works.

She will throw herself on the floor and say x person pushed her (including trying to play me and dh off against each other) pretend to 'trip' accidentally when it was done purposely at school, say she's not had meals in order to get extras, break things & blame it on others including at school, say teachers have scratched her, pretend she cant dress/ wash / walk, feed herself, say shes poorly, kick things, break furniture, smack younger siblings with objects when they won't play, kick the pet dog, tell tales on peers (literally all the time) & so on.

I thought this was a cry out for attention so i tried to spend more 1 on 1 time with her but it has not made a difference. The minute 1 on 1 has finished its bk to square 1.

Her behaviour at weekends is the worst as this is when all the family is together and she hates it when dh and I are talking she has to inject all the time & seems to be incapable of amusing herself for anything past 10 minutes. While our sons are very content no matter the situation.

We've noticed her behaviour is worst after going to a local nursery breakfast / after school club too.

Our daughter also has a funny relationship with food, she's always loved food but she will say whenever possible that she's missed meals etc - it can't be because she's hungry because she eats better than me! Ie - she has breakfast at home (porridge & toast) we get to breakfast club and they will ask if she needs breakfast - ill say no. While I'm handing over the other siblings I'll hear her say - it was only a snack - I need breakfast. We've also found her pinching food from her brothers bowl even when she has a full plate herself. I thought this was just normal child pickiness so havent made big deal over it. I'll let her pick some yogurts she wanted from super market and then she pretends she doesn't like them anymore and spits them under the table. On walk home from school I told her not to step in said dog dirt, she ignored me and stepped it in (but I put it down to being accident) I asked her to take shoes off before coming inside, when I turned back round from taking pushchair down she had wiped all the dog dirt of her shoes on to her coat, I asked why and she shrugged, she knew to was wrong.

I've even taken her to doctor but they said she's normal health child pushing boundaries.

I asked her today why she pretended to fall down at after school club - she says she didn't know she just wanted to.

Mine & dh main topic of conversation seems to be dd behaviour. We hoped it was just terrible 2's but she's now almost 6!

Our health visitor said to ignore it but that's not worked, school have spoken to her and she says she will be good and not do it again and back to square 1 before the day is out. Even when we ignore it after school club don't and I think that makes her worst. We've told them the health visitors comments but they treat every child same to be fair & won't just "ignore" the behaviour.

I'm so worried that this attention seeking could have terrible implications - what if one day someone did push her and because of all these fibs we didn't believe her & so on. It's such dangerous territory and I just don't know what else to try.

She isn't left out by her brothers as they all normally play together lovely. I've tried the reward chart where 3 gold stars = day with mummy 1 on 1.
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I'm starting to feel like all I do is moan at her and say please don't do that, please do this, etc. I feel like I'm starting to be a completely different mother to the boys than I am to her. I hate dragging things on and having to pretend im cross with her all day. She respects her father far more than she does me, she always says she's been good & daddy will be proud but barely mentions me although dh is far more stern with her than I am. Dh says I don't see things threw and all I do is shout & then forgive so she doesn't take me seriously.

It's got to point where there is hardly a day that goes by without some kind of issue. Up until 6 weeks ago I struggled to get her to school if she didn't want to dress as she would tantrum and she's so strong I can't force her.

I treat all 3 the same as i can, obviously our 1 yro needs more attention sometimes but I feel like dd misses out she will be on time out while we all laughing & giggling. I feel so guilty but how do we get her to learn some of her behaviour isn't acceptable? Is there something she Is tryin to tell me that I'm missing?

Should I ignore it? Should I take her out of breakfast after school club completely? Should I try and spend even more time with her 1 on 1? But if I do is that classes as rewarding the bad behaviour??

If anyone can give me some serious helpful suggestions I would appreciate it. Thanks xxxxx

I haven't rtft yet, but just wondered you say that sometimes you take away pudding as a consequence. "Because of X you will not be having your pudding tonight". Is that a consequence of not eating her dinner properly, if so that's fine, or is that also used to punish other things? Only that as you describe your DD as having issues around food already I would avoid using it as a reward/punishment, it can contribute to an unhealthy way of looking at food. It can be good to encourage that food = energy and not food = pleasure/displeasure. Just a thought.

I am absolutely no expert as have only 1 DD almost 3yrs old myself, but it sounds like you've had some great advice on here, and to add, a lot of it is in alignment with what I have been reading recently in 'how to talk so kids will listen' and also 'playful parenting'. I have recently been reading both as even with a 2yr old, I sometimes found myself backed into corners with nowhere to go and ended up feeling like a 2yr old myself, and decided that was a bit ridiculous!

The How To Talk book is great and you really need to do the exercises to understand how it's going to work, and Playful Parenting, although it goes on a bit, does really focus on diffusing those situations where you are both (you and child) getting wound up and where the parent in particular is at risk of digging a big hole for themselves. What has resonated with that book is how much it talks about 'taking every opportunity to connect', and by connect, it means those scrumptious moments when you are looking your child in the eye and you're both giggling, or you're both excited by the same game and having great fun, etc. Find the giggles and follow them. I know my DD is much younger than yours, but trying to remember to find the giggles and follow them is already making a difference to how I am interacting with her. For example, she often has a bit of a sulk/tantum about going to nursery, even though she is fine when she is there, and so instead of trying to jolly her out of it by singing fun songs in the car, I said 'are you very sad? Shall we sing a sad song?' and she said yes please mummy, and so I started singing Wilson Picket's 'sad song (fa fa fa fa fa fa etc.), which when you're singing it and trying to pretend to be sad, actually ends up being really funny, and now every time she is sad about going to nursery, we start singing the sad song and both end up in fits of giggles. Now she even starts to smirk when I do my 'sad face' and start suggesting the song.

I know this example is not at all relevant to your specific situation, but it's just an example of a situation where I was in a cycle of feeling rubbish, her crying, me stressed, late for work, and saying things that weren't productive (e.g. 'well Mummy has to go to work so you have to go to nursery', or 'you're being silly I know you like it really', both of which must just be incredibly annoying to DD), and now it's a lovely moment every nursery morning where we do silly exaggerated sad faces and end up trying to sing the song while giggling too much. That's the kind of thing I have got from the book.

Sorry if this sounds irrelevant, I know the issues are different and a 5yr old is different from a nearly 3yr old, but I just wanted to share how much help I have already got from reading a couple of books.

D

I have a lump readign this thread.

I have gone through phases with my DS(7) that last two years since DD was born where he has, in my mind, deliberatively provoked us as parents - I can see it now but at the time I didnt. He has:

Told us how naughty he has been at school - nearly everyday ABC. He still does this but I just casually say ok thats not cool, try harder tomorrow. If he goes on I say I dont want to hear it and ask him what he has been learning to stear it to positive topics.

Told me he has hurt himself, told me he has hurt himself deliberately -'did you hear that mummy' , 'yes but we need to get to school on time' he hasn't tried that one since.

We've also had utter utterly OTT crying and loud wails and sobs when he has pushed it all too far. I tell him to stop and he does. He has even said hurhtful things 'you dont love me' 'you dont like doing things with me'

When he has been in trouble he has said things like 'I dont want to be alive right now' and ' i should jut kill myself'. These intially seem quite alarming and disturbing. But after gentle questions etc there are no issues and I have wondered where these have come from. I have since foud out it's smething he has picked up from someone else at school

All this is very draining its like living with an emotional vampire. I dont always cope very well with it all and can end up shouting at him I am on my own with the kids AM/PM a tired DH will help when he gets in when he can at bedtime. DH can't believe how diverish DS can be.

So you have my sympathies. I am relieved I am not alone. I try to tell myself its becuase he is quite bright that he is manipulative in this way but god I have to keep 'my parental buttons' hidden!

My mother had a wonderful phrase to use, " I'm hearin' but I'm no' heedin'."

The other one, esp for " you don't love me", is "I love you and I always will, but I don't always like your behaviour. "

And, finally, because a lot of this sounds like insecurity, we read No Matter What again and again and again. I think it got through, combined with the behaviour saying. But it would, I suspect, have to be toy and her, special time, cuddling and reading together. We read it after tantrums, after bad days, Ds wanted it after rows, when after awful days I kissed him.goodnight I always said I would love him, no matter what.

Hth

This might sound random but have you had her hearing checked? Sometimes kids with hearing problems develop behavioural problems.

Also I wanted to say well done, you sound like your doing a great job in an extremely tough situation.

I haven't read all the posts, and this might have already been mentioned.

It sounds like what your DH says about being too soft might ring true.

But, the thing that stands out for me is being good = special time and special attention with mummy.

I can't quite put my finger on it (not helpful!), but to me this sounds like it's making you the be all and end all of her purpose to be good, which doesn't sounds particularly healthy tbh.

I know you've mentioned going to the park etc, so I know there are other rewards, but that sentiment is coming through quite strongly to me in your posts, and I wonder if it is to your DD, too.

If you flip it, then could she be interpreting this as, mummy only really wants to spend time with me if I'm good? This is only one step away from, I've been naughty so, Mummy doesn't want to spend time with me, now.

Could it be putting unnecessary pressure on her to be good, so that it's always there in the back of her mind?

I understand that it's due to her behaviour, but it sounds like every waking moment of her day is caught up with her either being good or being bad, and there's no just being a normal kid. That's easy for me to say, I know, and now that it's at the stage of tipping over tables etc, I'm not sure how you can put a stop to it.....

Maybe you're putting too much emphasis on the 1:1 time. My DCs don't get any 1:1. really, which is the other extreme, but it's just not feasible with our family dynamic.

If mine get a treat, they get the treat together, being good in our house doesn't mean you get separated from your siblings and 'treated' to special time with a parent. Not sure I'm making much sense. Maybe you need to single her them out less?

It sounds like she doesn't actually need to go to breakfast club? If she's seeing all of this as I suspect she might be, perhaps she interprets the breakfast club thing as a sanction for being naughty (as she perhaps thinks being good = being with you?)

If you don't have to send her, I wouldn't, as she seems hell bent on doing things to get herself singled out when she's there anyway, which just gets her into more trouble.

I think you, DD and DH are stuck in a naughty girl/good girl loop and just let her be. If this means ignoring her awful behaviour for a while, so be it. I don't know how you stop it, but I think that might be why it's happening.
Good luck.

I'm not sure if it's at all helpful, but have you examined what your daughter is eating? My children (especially DS8) react very badly to artificial preservatives and colours etc. The effect on their behaviour is immense. DS8 becomes obsessed with food when he's eaten something that has a bad effect on him. He gets really aggravated, will kick, scream, cry, attention seek, trash his room, talk back constantly, can't concentrate or string a sentence together properly. It is truly awful to witness. When he hasn't got any of the offending foods in his system he is a completely different child. Kind, thoughtful, helpful...just lovely really. It is a Jekyll and Hyde transformation that you wouldn't believe unless you saw it first hand. Might be something to consider?

I won't add to the advice, OP, as you have plenty. I will only say that, as myself the mother of a very demanding 5 year old (boy, but hey) - and having observed the behaviour of a lot of other 5 year olds - this is a difficult, demanding age. 5 year olds will push boundaries left, right and centre. And are little egomaniacs who want as much attention as they can possibly get. With siblings of course, getting that attention can be hard - so they act up.
Try not to let it stress you out too much. It sounds like you're a wonderful, loving mum - just ride this one out and accentuate the positive. Some good advice above too. Some!

good luck. I've no doubt that with a loving family around her she will soon settle down, especially once her little siblings are a bit older. All the best through this challenging period!
MMx