"If you keep making me go to school, I'll kill myself"

[mynameisnotmichaelcaine]

So. Not the ideal thing for your seven-year old to say. :(

DS1 is in Year 3. Whilst he's never been the biggest fan of school, and has very much been a homebody since birth, he used to grumble a little, but be OK when he got there.

This year, however, we have gone from bad to worse, and I am despairing, and really, really worried. When I ask him what the problem is, all I get is "the work is boring and the other children are too loud, and don't do what they're told." I have spoken to his class teacher, his head of year, and the headteacher. All of them have had words with him about how good his behaviour is, and about how to develop tolerance. He always smiles and nods for them and then kicks off at home.

His behaviour at school is exemplary. He literally never puts a foot wrong, and can't understand why others aren't like that too. He finds waiting for others to stop talking deeply frustrating. I do get this, but feel it is something he needs to learn to deal with, since it happens in life! When I raised the idea of changing to a smaller school he kicked off, saying that he loves his friends and doesn't want to leave them.

I have tried active listening, bribery, love-bombing and a little bit of tough love (this is DH's preferred option.) Nothing is having much of an impact. And then this morning he said the above. His sister cried, I calmly said it sounded like he was feeling very upset, and he agreed to go to school if I went in to the office to see the head.

Head suggested I go and see the GP without ds and explain the situation. She is also going to sort a meeting with her, DS, teacher and me. I have an appointment with the GP in a couple of hours, but am a bit worried that I will just cry and be fobbed off.

Another factor is that he has a new baby brother, meaning I am at home when he is at school, whereas normally I am at work (am a teacher). I wonder if he thinks there is an option of staying at home now that I'm there iyswim? Am also sure that having the new baby has rocked his little world, but he is not very good at expressing his feelings, and wouldn't necessarily be able to articulate this.

I don't even know what I'm asking here - just feel like the world's worst mother at the moment.

How distressing. I don't have any relevant experience, but wanted to bump this for you in case anyone has anything useful to add before you see the GP. It sounds as if your son doesn't really know what he wants, to change things or not to change things. He's so young, I did have an episode of school refusal myself, but I was much older. I really remember my father telling me that one option was to stay at the school I was at but that was on the understanding that nothing was going to change about it. But accepting that you can't change other people's behaviour is a lesson learnt really late in life.

Head teacher sounds proactive, and you sound really resourceful too. I'm sure he's in good hands, although it's a very difficult situation.

I think that the head is right that this is a matter for the GP. A good GP will not fob you off. Sadly the wait for children's pychological support is horrendous. It might be worth seeing if your local children's centre has a protective behaviours course.

My son had six sessions with a pychologist to help him with the pressure of year 6 SATs. His teacher put so much pressure on him and told him that his life chances depended on how he did in his SATs. Ds became suicidal at the thought of not getting level 5s. The pychologist helped him see that his year 6 teacher was speaking our of her arse with CBT.

I took one of mine e out of school on Wednesdays a full week at school was too much for her she goes happily full time now

Thanks all.

Have seen the GP, who wants to see DS later, with a view to getting him an appointment with the community paediatrician. Have also spoken to his class teacher, who has a couple of ideas he is going to put into practice.

Thank you for your support, it has made a very difficult day seem more bearable.

Firstly big sympathies
I just wanted to pick up on the comment "the work is boring". It seems you've investigated his behaviour; have you looked more into his abilities and whether he is being stretched enough? My mum tells me, although I don't remember it, that I once got really upset and refused to go to primary school and eventually she got it out of me that I was really bored. Cue her marching into school that very day (it was a private school) and her demanding that I be given more appropriate work to do.

of course that's easy enough in a private school but if he is genuinely bored because he finds the work too easy, then you need to look at how the school deals with G&t students etc and discuss this with this class teacher.

Hope the next appointments go well.

How bright is he do you think?
I know this is mumsnet and this sort of question may be frowned on, but if he si a lot brighter than the other children and desperately wants to get on and work, his frustration would be very understandable.

Hmm, I'm not sure. He got level 3s in his ks1 SATS apart from for writing. He is currently awaiting an assessment for dyspraxia as his teacher last year was concerned that his reading is very far ahead of his writing.

DH and I met at Oxford. DH has a double first and is one of the youngest professors in his field in the country, so I think the likelihood of ds being brighter than average is high, but it is kind of hidden by his slowness at getting his thoughts down, which he also finds frustrating.

I remember being v bored at school, and absolutely loved things like SRA cards, where I could work at my own pace. DS's favourite lessons are ones where he gets to work alone and at his own pace, although he does complain that these are spoilt by "other people being naughty".

Something else worth mentioning at least, I guess. Thank you.

I don't have much to add, but can I just say that I have went back to college this year aged 26 and a few of the people in my class are much younger and tend to mess around a lot. They are rude, disruptive and distracting. I find it very frustrating and it does make my time there less enjoyable.

There are a few different things going on in your situation OP, but I urge you to not underestimate just how annoying it can be to be trying to get on with it and constantly be distracted by others messing around. It may be a lesson that needs learned to some extent, but your son also has a right to work in a calm environment, it shouldn't always be him having to fit in around others.

wannabe, I know where you are coming from (as a Mum and also a secondary teacher!) However, the fact is, there is nothing I can do to change the behaviour of the other 29 kids in the class. All I can really do is help DS to cope with it.

Hi OP , not sure I have any solutions for you, but had to post as really related to your scenario - DD1 also in yr3, and has some very similar characteristics/personality to your DS by the sound of it (even down to the reading being much ahead of writing). She is brilliantly behaved at school and in 'public', but at home so far this term we are getting some massive tantrums and terrible behaviour at times. We've also tried every tactic as per your OP; so no ideas, but just wanted to say you're not alone!!

Would you consider home schooling?

As the Mum of a very bright child (also married to a very bright Dh) it does sound as if he may not be challenged enough.

Ds cried almost every day for the last few years. He moved up to secondary this year and is so much happier that even people we don't know well comment on his "personality change".

Both him and Dd are very mature for thier age and get very frustrated with messers in thier class. Dd's whole class lost library class this week as the boys messed and she was so upset due to losing her favourite class and not having been responsible in the first place.

I don't really have any answers just trying to suggest ideas why he may be feeling like this.

Just another thought but eldest Dd is a very visual learner and really struggles in an auditory learning enviroment with no visuals.

I wonder if the change from last year to this could be teaching style?

Polter, thank you so much. I might well post there later. The embarrassing thing is, I am a SN teacher, so really ought to be able to "diagnose" DS myself. But it's so hard when it's your own child, and you can't see the wood for the trees.

I think he does have sensory processing difficulties. We are waiting for an appt with the community paediatrician re the dyspraxia, and now for this too.

The GP appointment with DS this evening went really well. DS was very honest, and the GP did not dismiss him. He has given DS some ideas for coping, and told him he would always listen if DS needs to talk to him again.

He is much, much better this evening, and says he feels hopeful that things will get better. I am aware it's a long road, but am glad that he feels he can tell me things.

As for home ed, it's really not an option for us. DH is completely opposed, and I fear it would just make DS even less able to deal with others effectively. Also it would mean the end of my career, which is a big concern for me.

Oh, and we actually have that book, which I used with DD when she went through a hypochondriac phase a couple of years ago. DS has been reading it, and says he finds it helpful. I think I need make some time to look through it properly with him.

myname, my son had similar issues at primary school. A complete lack of understanding why anyone was naughty. He just wanted to get on with his work.
He was also very sensitive to noise and the noise level in class was horrendous.
We helped him develop his own "zone" and he learned not to be influenced by others and what they might say.
He's been fine ever since and has always been self motivated and happily working on his own. At secondary (super selective grammar) he found like minded friends and is now learning to work in groups, something which was impossible at primary.
I feel for you (and him) as we've had years of frustration with school.

btw we also had another baby when my ds was 8, and while he loved his little sister from day 1, (they are incredibly close despite the age gap) it was tough for him.

Good luck and I'm glad your gp took him seriously.

Hi,

I have had similar problems with my DS in the past (I have a post in the "gifted & talented" section, I don't know how to link to it) including him saying that he wanted to kill himself.

We had him privately assessed by an educational psychologist & he has been assessed as "gifted" due to his high test scores. I don't know how much will change at school but it has helped us a lot to understand some of his behaviour. There is a website called Potential Plus that has helpful fact sheets.

Good luck, I know how horrible it is to hear your child say something like that. When I've talked to my DS in more detail, he has explained that he only means that type of thing in the second he says it, as he feels so angry or frustrated.