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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Anyone else getting the cold shoulder from their toddler?

14 replies

Playitagainsam · 21/11/2013 22:03

DD is 18 months old and until a month or so ago I was always her number one person. She'd always come to me, especially if she was tired/upset/had hurt herself. I've worked full time since she was 8 months, and recently she's started showing a real preference for her nana (my MIL), who looks after her most days I'm at work. It feels childish and a bit pathetic to admit this, but I am finding myself jealous of the way my DD is with her. She has started to default to my MIL for everything, even if she's hurt herself, which breaks my heart a little each time. I really try to make the effort to make the limited time midweek that we have together 'quality' time, but I find it really hard when she pushes me out of the way and wants her nana instead.

I feel sad/guilty that me not being with her during the day is changing our relationship, and I am finding myself resenting the fact that I spend so little time with her, when my MIL is with her all the time. I know I should be grateful that they have such a great relationship, but instead its just eating me up that I've been well and truly relegated! It used to be that I couldn't leave the house in the morning without DD getting upset - now she positively waves me off!

Sorry for the self pitying post, I just wondered if anyone else has felt the same? I think I'm also looking for some reassurance that it won't always be this way now!

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superbabysmummy · 21/11/2013 22:43

I can't help, sorry! DD is only 1 so not quite there yet but just wanted to say I get it, that would grate on me too... I'd imagine it's normal toddler behaviour but also normal for you to feel that way too..

teacher123 · 21/11/2013 23:04

Due to erratic working hours DS often has sleepovers at grandma's house-he's 18mo as well. This morning when I went to collect him he barely looked up at me and carried on playing with his toys. When he sees daddy or grandad it's the BEST THING EVER! It's because they love us most that they think we should be there all the time, so they sulk when we're not! No advice, just sympathy, I have to try really hard not to let my upset show.

fififrog · 22/11/2013 21:37

Oh yes, we have a pecking order in our household, with granny at the top. Still I can't feel too hard done by as DH usually gets "don't like daddy, go away daddy, i like muuuuuuuummyyyyyyyyyy, waaaah". She's 2.8 BTW and this has been the situation since pre-1 when she would scream the house down when i went to have a shower.

fififrog · 22/11/2013 21:44

I should add that me, DH and my mum all look after DD one day a week each, and DH and I are both around all weekend, so it's nothing to do with you not spending enough time wit her!

AntoinetteCosway · 22/11/2013 21:49

I'm a SAHM and DD positively goes through the roof with excitement whenever her granny's around. It's not you not spending enough time with her-it's her being a toddler!

MiaowTheCat · 23/11/2013 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Playitagainsam · 23/11/2013 13:14

Thanks everyone, that's definitely taken the edge off the guilt!! My poor DH always used to get proactively blanked in favour of me, so maybe it's just karma!

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Misty9 · 23/11/2013 19:20

I have the same - but with dh who looks after ds (2.2) while I work 4 days a week. It's galling because I was a sahm for the first 23 months of his life and now it's daddy daddy for everything! The low point was ds refusing to have me in bed (he wouldn't sleep in his own either...) and I ended up on the sofa (I shouldn't have gone, and won't again!) but it's not as bad as that now.

It does get a bit easier - and I can imagine in some ways it's harder when it's your mil and not your dh who the attachment is with :( check out aah parenting website for some ideas of how to deal with differential attachment issues - some good game ideas which we've tried :)

I'm hoping mil isn't there on your time off too?! Is there something special just the two of you could do each week?

Misty9 · 23/11/2013 19:21

That should say aha parenting website...

Original poster

Playitagainsam · 23/11/2013 21:37

Thanks Misty I'll take a look at that site. That must have been rubbish for you when you were a SAHM for so long!

The problem is that MIL stays with us for the days when she looks after DD, as she doesn't live locally. So I get it in the evening and morning before/after work too - I just can't get a look in! I am working towards being able to take a day off a fortnight, building up to a day off a week to spend some time with her on my own, but I don't know if it will be enough! Still, anything has to be better than nothing.

Heaven knows how I'll cope when she's a teenager and really trying to avoid me!

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Misty9 · 23/11/2013 21:55

Ah that sucks :( if it's any consolation, ds sees me for 30mins in the morning and about an hour in the evening before bedtime (6.30pm) which he generally wants daddy to do...

Are you close enough to your mil to confide in her about how you feel? Maybe she'd make herself a bit less available when you're around - or can defer to you/direct dd to you a bit more? She could go have a bath, read a book, be busy doing something? God knows I need a break after having a toddler all day!

Original poster

Playitagainsam · 23/11/2013 22:30

I made a comment about it once and she just said I was making her feel bad about it. She does try with things like suggesting that dd gives me a hug or a kiss when I get home, usually met with a 'no'! I am close to her but she's quite sensitive too so it'd be a hard one to broach.
I totallly know how my poor dh feels now though, he's always been bottom of the pecking order in our house, bless him!

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Misty9 · 24/11/2013 14:58

Hmm, that's not very sensitive of your mil - it's not rocket science to guess you're feeling a bit usurped! If it helps, advice I've been given is to join them in their play when you get home and let them come to you (not easy I know, when all I want to do is sit down!). Ds starts throwing things when he sees me and often has a bit of a melt down, so the softly softly approach seems to help him.

What does your dh say? It's his mum, after all... The perils of familial childcare! FIL only has ds one day a week thankfully and has already buggered off by the time I get home :)

HearMyRoar · 24/11/2013 15:02

My dd is 20 months and spent the whole day today wanting dh and saying no everytime I offered a cuddle or to sit with her. We do completely equal childcare.

If we are with my mum she will now want her over me.

I really wouldn't take it personally. I think it is just that they have reached the age around 18 months when they realise other people exist and can be fun. They know you are mum and will always be about so don't feel the need to attach themselves to you all the time when someone else interesting is about.

Its a phase. This to shall pass :o

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