Come and workshop me. What would you have done differently?

[GetYourSocksOff]

I have just ordered a book about your children pushing your buttons. This may have been written for me, I am expecting to see my name in the dedication.

For background info, the main problems are as follows:

1. DD, while absolutely fantastically cute most of the time, goes straight into full on, rigid SCREEEEEAMing when displeased. She has very clear ideas about most things and is therefore displeased, er, quite a lot. She is just about 18 months.

1. DS finds this very stressful. His response is to pinch or hit her, or to scream right back. Which makes her scream louder. And so on.

1. DS seems quite immature to me when it comes to the ability to listen and to follow instructions. I don't really know how to summarise this. But he rarely complies when you ask him to stop or to do something. Obviously there are ways around this but when he is doing something unsafe or which just needs stopping NOW, he doesn't follow the instruction, talks back when you become more urgent (no YOU stop mummy, you're not my best friend, stop talking now, etc etc) and then goes a bit crazy when you get really cross/remove object, screeching and hitting out at you. He is 4 and at school. And perfectly capable of behaving.

Before I tell you what happened, you need to know that this happens every day, multiple times a day, on bad days it feels like all day, and my patience is beyond shredded.

So. Special treat tonight. Said we'd go to McDonalds on the way home. This is a reeeeally special treat. It was really busy so we did the drive thru and had a picnic in the car.

We had ice cream for pudding and DS obviously eats his by himself but if I let DD do that in the car there would be carnage. So I try to feed her the ice cream. DD screams. Wait for her to calm down. Eventually she does, eats some ice cream. But something set her off again. DS starts screaming too. I ask him to stop. He screams louder. I shout. He tries to feed DD ice cream. I tell him it's kind but ask him not to. He does it again. DD hits his arm out of the way. Ice cream goes everywhere. I give DS a look. He tries to hit me with the ice cream spoon. I take his ice cream spoon. He screeches. I get very very cross. He answers back. Dinner is over. I pack up and we start driving home but DS is still screeching and generally being really rude. I shout very very loudly. Everyone cries. No one is allowed to talk. I hate myself for being a crap shouty mum.

It was a lovely evening out.

Please come and tell me what you would have done differently!

I have no idea. You have just described my life, word for word (except DS is 17 months and DD is 4yo). Identical.

I think I love you for making me feel less alone...

Every time I try to do something nice!

(And all the time I don't!).

judy I think I love you too

I don't think there's anything you could have done. You were trapped in a car so options for anything are limited... Please don't give yourself a hard time, that is a difficult situation (daily)

i cant offer any advice as i only have 1 screaming, rigid, red faced DC to deal with at present and i still manage to shout

DD is apparently 'not going to share her paintbox' with me, unless I 'never tell her off and always say sorry instead' between now and Christmas.

I've got my own paintbox! I don't even want to share hers...

She did ask me this evening is she was 'more specialler' than DS, so I know there are deep jealousy issues going on, not that it makes her any less difficult to deal with.

This may be a minor thing, but you say you tell them to "stop" or "don't do something". Try telling them what you do want them to do, not what you don't want them to do. For instance, rather than asking DS to stop feeding her, asking him to eat his own ice cream and let you feed DD. What you do want rather than what you don't want
Good luck.

Love the paintbox thing :) jealousy is definitely a part of it for my little man too, he is completely different when it's just me and him.

It makes me so sad because it's often DD who technically 'started it'. I feel like I'm not being fair to DS. I think the difference is that while her behaviour is stress inducing for me, it's age appropriate. DS's is misbehaviour and he knows it and dealing with that on top of the stress I'm already fighting from DD means that he gets the brunt of it. It's so hard!

hereagain I've been thinking about the fact that at least 50% of what I says to DS is telling him to do something. I'm trying to be a bit less bossy and yes, should probably look at the way I'm presenting stuff too.

Thanks mumaa!

Just checking in to see how you're doing OP?

I've got the prospect of the whole weekend alone with my two. DH often works weekends, and it's the whole weekend 9-9 with an hour's commute. Teatime and bedtime are the worst parts of the day on my own, but I do that every night.

Yesterday afternoon I braved the beach. We had a lovely time (despite wailing from suddenly water-phobic baby!), but leaving was awful. However, it was worth it for the pleasant time we had (I think!).

It's definitely better when I take a calm approach with DD, but it's not always easy to do that!

I have to do a lot of house cleaning and tidying today, to make our house liveable in again (recent/ on-going building work) but I don't want to resort to tv for them all day.

Friend's party this pm, so that's tea sorted today!

What are you doing? Good luck.

Ohh it's hard when you have to get stuff d

Oops... done, isn't it. I hope it's been ok, will be good to have the party at the end of the day. DH will be away for the week during half term, that's going to be hard work.

We've had a better couple of days. Like you say, if I can stay really calm it's much better but there are days, particularly if I'm tired or just not on form, when it's really tough. They are both fantastic but they bring out the best and the worst in each other!

How did it all go Judy?

Yesterday pretty awful, today better (apart from wailing all morning and begging for food all day!). I managed to be nicer, lowered expectations, said 'yes' to things a bit more. Mostly good.

How was your weekend?

"and begging for food all day!" oh DD can be like this! If she sees someone else eating or food on the work surface or just remembers what the fridge is for, she needs to EAT NOW.

What happened yesterday?

It's been OK this weekend, there have been lots of people around and we've had lots of kid-friendly stuff to do. Back to reality tomorrow!

My favourite moment today: DD found a wooden spoon in the utensil drawer. DS sees wooden spoon, has never shown any previous interest in wooden spoons, now obviously wants wooden spoon more than anything else in the world. You can practically see his brain ticking over. DS snatches spoon from DD. DD screams. Tries to get it back. DS screams. Both of them scream. Mummy is model of calm and serenity (hahaha), finds another wooden spoon and gives it to DD. There's a moment when they both check out each other's spoon (they are literally exactly the same). Both wander off, wooden spoons are abandoned. There was a definite air of disappointment

Ha ha, love it! Great story.

God, I can't even remember yesterday. I just remember it being hard work. Hard weekend though - just me with them. I know a lot of people manage that, but it's not easy. I just found them really annoying yesterday - that sounds so horrible to say about little children. Today, I felt myself enjoying being with them more. (Apart from the walk in the morning. So much screaming!).

They are awful about food. DD always has been and DS is proving to be the same. And his language is so bloody good, he can ask for anything. So expects to get it, of course. At the party yesterday, he spent all the time after the tea just demanding cake. It looked and sounded amusing, to anyone else, but he was so cross that he couldn't have anymore.

Not too much jealousy today. I tried to give time when they needed it. I do hate refusing cuddles, but DD kind of uses them as a weapon. So she does/ says something awful, is reprimanded, screams for a cuddle. I know I should give her one and it does help. I just have to fight my own childish desire to think that she doesn't 'deserve' one. Do I sound monstrous?

Nope not monstrous at all. You sound like your patience is as shredded as mine.

From the outside it does sound like she's testing you to see if you'll still love her. DS always wants a cuddle when it's really obvious that it would be difficult at that moment, when DD is upset and needs a hug, for example, or when I need to help her down the stairs he wants carrying down too.

Its exhausting isn't it?! I've been thinking about this sort of thing quite a lot recently and the patterns I've spotted are:

1. It is worse if I'm tired - i get wound up more easily and the downward spiral begins

1. It is worse if 4yo dd hasn't had any outdoor exercise

1. It is worse if i don't offer regular drinks and snacks

soooooo, my plan is to make sure i go to bed on time instead of mumsnetting ;) , try to get outside everyday, and keep the drinks and healthy snacks coming. All obvious stuff and It wont magically solve anything but it will hopefully improve things a bit and help me cope better.

Madmonkeys, I strategise (made up word alert!!) like that too.

I am desperate, and I truly mean desperate, for a full nights sleep. I'm on the edge of exhaustion all the time and it means that if we do have a particularly bad night (as we did the other night, we're feeling every tooth with DD) then I really do struggle.

If I'm not on form then everything is just so fucking difficult. Getting them dressed. Changing nappies. Getting into the car. Getting from destination to car or from car to house. Seriously, the smallest thing can lead to meltdown. There seems to be something about Wednesdays because both me and DS were on the edge again today and it was very, very hard work to keep everything together.

I love my babies and I love their company, even on days like today they've still made me belly laugh and we've had cuddles and laughing , it's not all bad by any stretch. But I'm desperate for some sleep and headspace, to be honest.

judy how are you getting on this week?

The tiredness is terrible, isn't it? I did nightwean DS (again!) last week, so nights have been better for us - but still not the miraculous rejuvenating effect I would have liked! The 5.50am start is now the killer for me. With a 4am feed he would last till 6.30 or even 7.

We've had some mega-tantrums/ boundary pushing these last few days. I even got hit round the face last night. She was in such a rage (over something ostensibly minor). But I'm feeling calmer, and remembering to try to
understand her. I've re-read/ revised some stuff around communication, and that's helping. Have downloaded the pushing buttons book but not started it yet.

Hope you get a decent night.

Well, we've had a lovely evening today. DS was in a lovely mood. As was DD. It was a joy. More days like this, please......!

I don't know what the difference was, sleep was no better or worse than usual.

I've only just started the buttons book but finding it quite useful. I've also been revising in general!

Great! A much better day for us too. DD was full of beans in and out of school, I managed to get the dog walk out of the way with just DS, so she didn't have to endure it (and I avoided the whining!). Teatime mildly irritating but I stayed calm and consistent, and it worked out fine. We got a bit of mummy-DD time while DS played with a box of cat food.

Bedtime was tantrum free and ended with nice cuddles (and a whispered 'but tell me I'm most precious because I was born first'...I managed to omit the word 'most' in my reply!).

It's important to remember the good days! I'd love to write a journal but am always too knackered by the end of the day!