DS1 hates new brother - help!

[Prawncat]

DS1 is 3.5 years, DS2 is 10 days. DS1 keeps saying he wants the baby to go away, and every time the baby cries or makes noise DS1 screams and screams and shakes. REALLY stressful! Today DS1 tried to hit the baby when he cried.
Feel really sorry for DS1 as he is obviously struggling, but feel guilty to for longing for him to be at nursery and dreading him coming home! OH has been taking DS1 out on his own a lot so I can get a bit of time, but he goes back to work next week.
How will I cope alone with the 2 of them together??? Please can anyone give me some advice??

Congratulations on your lovely new baby

The screaming does sound stressful. How does he react to load noises normally? Have you considered getting his ears checked?

This article has some good tips for coping

There are quite a lot of stories/picture books about the arrival of new siblings.

Some kind of reward for not crying every time the baby does? Remind him that he can talk and that's what big children do when they want to communicate.

Explain the crying isn't because he wants to make a lot of noise, but is trying to say that he needs something - food, sleep, to be held. (It's the job of the bigger people to try and work out what the baby is trying to say.)

(There are always the ear plugs which children can use for swimming. If he wants to play quietly - drawing - with the ear plugs in he can. It might give him more of a feeling of control.

You poor thing, that sounds tough. Will your ds still go to nursery when your dh goes back to work?

My ds1 is a bit younger but we've found that involving him when ds2 cries has helped. So saying "oh, I think your brother is hungry/tired/pooed/etc)" helped as ds1 would start saying "he needs mummy milk". And then when he quietness down, praising ds1 for working out what he needed.

My hv also stressed the importance of 1:1 time with the older one. So much so that we moved the bottle from being at dream feed to bedtime so that dh and I could take it in turns to put ds1 to bed.

My ds1 started being v aggressive to other children. Hv said it was obvs his way if getting my

Attention...even if it was negative. That was when we shifted the bedtime routine and made a few other tweaks. Really helped!!

We did get in to quite a negative spiral tbh.

Bloody hardwork- good luck!

Hi OP

Positive story here. Ds2 born mid july when ds1 was 3.5. First 4 or so weeks were miserable with ds1 very jealous and extremely naughty and could not be trusted to be alone with ds2.

It was tough but we tried to be consistent with him routine wise, give him lots of attention, praise good behaviour and as far as possible ignore bad.

It actually improved quite quickly and 4 months on they adore each other - ds2 grins like a loon when he sees ds1 and ds1 is generally very loving towards ds2.

They are long tough days but pass quickly. Congratulations on the birth of your lovely baby :-)

Hi. I am in almost same situation as you. DD1 is 3.5, DS1 is ten Weeks. DD1 has struggled A LOT with the massive change and so have I, frankly. I am just beginning to find some strategies now which help. It's especially hard when it's just me and the two of them. Here are the main things which have helped:
1 alone time just me and her.
2 making sure I am free and available as much as possible when she comes home from nursery to give her a hug and settle in at home (usually leave DS1 in bouncy chair at that time)
3 keeping things interesting for her.eg with outings with other people etc and she's much better when she gets home.
4 (important one) me planning much better what I am going to do with her when it's just the three of us, so instead of always just looking in the your cupboard or bookshelf,.I have something in mind to do every afternoon, for example painting, cutting, baking, making things with twigs found in the garden, play dough. Also coming things for supper that she will enjoy helping me make (since I have to cook anyway)
5 playdates. Other mums very helpful and kind in terms of managing their own child plus DD1 while they are here. She loves it, gives her something to look forward to and gives me a bit of company too. Other mums (I think) overlook state of disarray in my house...

1. As said before, time alone with DD1 very important. I always have special five minutes before bed just to chat about the day now and this has helped. Also, if she knows in advance when she will have time alone with me she can anticipate it to remind herself she is still special and important.

Best of luck to you, do share if you find any useful strategies too!

Or loud noises even...

How are things now Prawn?

Thanks people, glad to hear some positive stories too. Cant do playdates here as DS1 always been terrible at sharing and has regressed with arrival of DS2. He is showing an interest in DS2s poo now, which I guess is something.

Nightmare this morning though, DS2 crying for a feed and DS1 freaking out at the noise, refusing to have breakfast, get dressed etc. How do people do it?? Feel like if I tend to DS2 first DS1 will think Im favouring him. He kept telling me to go away last night :((

It is hard but it will get easier.

In the quiet times try talking to ds1 about when he was a baby, look at some old pictures of his first couple of years and talk about how he has developed and grown bigger, things to help him develop some empathy and understanding for ds2 and to know that ds2 will also grow and change and not cry forever.

Maybe get ds1 a doll he can care for while you look after ds2, or involve him with little tasks if you can.

Make sure you praise ds1 every time he behaves well or does something to help.

Feeling really guilty and and rubbish actually. Partly because so difficult with DS1, I stopped bf after a week because it was agonising, and gave DS2 a dummy already yesterday as he is very unsettled between feeds.
:(

Prawn don't feel guilty about the dummy. Is there a bfing support group nearby that you can get to? It might help to get out and chat to some other mums. They might even have some tips for you

We've got Baby Baby blah blah from the library at the moment. The older child is worried about the new baby's arrival, so the parents talk about when she was a baby. Might be worth a read with him.