Very worried about DS's behaviour - feel like I can't handle him anymore.

[choceyes]

DS turned 5 couple of weeks ago.

He is doing well at school. They say he is well mannered, polite and a joy to have around. Doing well academically too.

At home, most of the time he is a handful to say the least. Here are a list of things I have to deal with:

1. Constantly annoying 3yr old DD. I can't leave him with her even for a few seconds without him having annoyed her in some way. Not physically as much (although that does happen too), but more like taunting and grabbing toys and saying things to her deliberately that he knows for sure upsets her. This is the thing that angers me most. He taunts her, deliberately upsets her and winds her up...almost constantly.
2. Not listening to what me or DH says. Maybe typical 5yr old behaviour, but I feel it's more than that. At mealtimes, keeps getting out of the chair constantly, throwing things around, climbing on chairs and sofas and taking things that he shouldn't be, despite numerous requests not to do it.
3. Talking in a silly voice and making silly sounds that makes it impossible to have a conversation with him. Gets DD to copy him as well.
4. No interest in toys that much. Only wants to play with cars mainly. Will play with a toy for 5mins then he is back to jumping off sofas, annoying DD, whinging etc. Used to want to do puzzles, games etc. But can't remember the last time he did a puzzle. As for games, if he is not winning, he doesn't want to play at all.
5. Tells DD to do naughty things.
6. Will never share or compromise on anything. Doesn't seem to have any empathy for DD (i think he does have empathy for me as once when I cried in front of him he got quite upset). Will push her accidently or not, and watch while she cries, with a grin on his face.
7. Takes great pleasure from watching DD being punished or being told off for something.

When DD is not there, he is much better. So maybe it's just attention seeking behaviour. But I do give both of them equal attention, DD probably gets less attention as I have to constantly deal with DS's bad behaviour. I read endless books to DS, always tell him I love him no matter what etc etc, but I also have a quick temper and I lose it with him too, which I regret for days after.

His good points are that he is not like this at school. He is also very sociable, makes friends easily and is "leader of the pack" normally. He is very confidant and excellent in his language skills.

How do I deal with him? Does he have a behavioural problem? These days I dread picking him up from school, because from the moment I pick him up he is annoying me and DD and I can never relax and I feel like I'm losing my DS as I can't even seem to be able to have a conversation with him anymore.

ok the not listening thing sounds normal as 6 year old DD is like this.

Are you giving him any repromands? ie the constantly getting down from the table. id actually say I'd you get down then you've finished and remove his tea. maybe I'm mean but we wouldn't stand for that.

The same with winding up your DD can you do time out our remove his cars ect.

Does he do any physical activities as he sounds like maybe he's got a lot of energy to burn off.

The ppositive thing is he's well behaved at school, so maybe he's trying to push boundaries at home.

My DS is normally very sweet natured and polite - but the first term or two after starting school he was totally different - rude, grumpy and just generally difficult. I think school is a massive adjustment for them.

My DD1 got like that when she started school. Although you give him more time than your DD, do you ever give him 1-1 (away from DD).

I had a similar age gap, and tried to take DD1 away from home - macdonalds, swimming etc so she knew it was all about her.

Having said that, she's no angel now.....

How much one to one time do you spend with him? It does sound like attention seeking and as though maybe you've got into a cycle of expecting the bad behaviour so coming down hard, he expects that reaction so winds you up more.

I think spending tribe doing fun activities with just him once a week would be good, maybe also getting him to help you with a creative project that you know will interest him. Focus on the good behaviour, tell him how much you enjoy being with him when he is being good and make sure he's both burning off all his energy and getting adequate down time.

Is he perhaps jealous that dd stays at home with you while he has to go to school?
Do you tell him what you did during the day, and he might think it sounds like dd is having more fun than he is?

Hmmm he's not actually getting much one to one time with me or dh since he started school. Our weekends have been so busy with doing things as a family. We did use to spend more one to one time before he started school. I used to work 3 days a week and dd used to have a daytime nap till she turned 3 in August which I made sure was spent doing stuff with ds. Now I work 4 days a week, spending 1 day at home with dd and all week ds don't get one to one time with me. Unfortunately that's unavoidable.
But ds does spend alone time with dh during half terms and school holidays as dh is a teacher. In the next couple of weeks we have planned to have the dcs separately during the weekend ( as a family we did use to do stuff separately, just recently we, ve not been doing that) so I'm hoping his behaviour does improve. On the whole he is much better behaved when he is away from dd, so it probably is an attention issue.
Thanks for all your advice. Will see how it goes. Doesn't help that dd is extremely clingy towards me.

Just wanted to say that my 5yo DD is much as you describe, DS is 2yo and she gets very jealous/attention-seeking. Awful physical behaviour towards DS and also deceitful.

DD is a very very very good girl at school.

I have now built some time into our week to devote to each of them, but the behaviour continues and she keeps saying how we love DS more than her. I tell her the opposite.

Really don't know what to suggest, but you are not alone!!!!

Definitely not alone! My 5 nearly 6 year old is exactly the same. Especially with not listening, and not stoping really annoying behavior when DH or I tell him to- like continuously grabbing at ds2 to start a play fight, just stupid stuff that annoys everyone to the point that they shout at him - even 3 year old ds2! I think he brings a lot of it home from school, though he's great in the classroom, he's surrounded by bigger kids in the playground.

We've never done punishments tbh, but I'm struggling to see how else to get his attention when he is like this.

urgh I remember the talking in a silly voice phase - awful. Wait till he starts mimicking every single thing his sister says - my brother did that to me for several years - I felt like murdering him

Well on saturday I was away for the day with DD so DH spend all day with DS going lots of games, spending a lot of quality time with him and generally having a good time. Apart from a couple of minor phases of whinging and silly voices he was very well behaved.

Yesterday I took DS to his swimming lessons, talked all the way there about stuff and had a lovely conversation with him. He moved up a level in his swimming lessons, so praised him and then took him off to lunch. Lunch was OK, we read a book, had a chat etc, although I had to tell him off a couple of times when he kept getting off the table whilst eating.
Went to see a film afterwards which he enjoyed. Then we played a couple of arcade games and then he had an almighty meltdown when he didn't win a soft toy. He kept hitting me and scratching me, grabbing at my handbag to get more money...it was embaressing. I kept my cool and ignored him or tried to pacify him. I have never seen him like that before . In the end I had to walk away from him and continued walking down the street, whilst he cycled behind me and he kept coming in front of me and blocking my way. In hindsight he might have been hungry as he didn't eat much of his lunch and also needed the loo (but always denies it until the last second). I don't know how else i could have handled it. I didn't lose my temper at him, so I didn't feel too bad (it's when I feel like I lost it that I feel so bad and such a failure).
Later on he was fine after a snack and we played some board games and Lego at home. I held his hand whilst he fell asleep. He woke up in a good mood and was generally quite happy this morning, playing with DD really well.
I think my plan from now on is to be very postive about everything (I have been dreading picking him up everyday and starting off in a bad mood) and give him lots of attention and care and only sweat about the big things i.e ignoring the silly voices but not letting him get away with hurting DD.