Tantrum, melt down or understandably upset?

[VikingLady]

DD is 20m and so far has no words. She has recently started "tantrumming" - I use inverted commas because I am not sure if they are.

Other toddlers of her age seem to tantrum by getting incandescent with rage which gets out of control and tips into angry-sounding crying. I've only once seen DD do this. Every other time (at least a couple of times each day) she gets upset to an uncontrollable level instead. She is genuinely distressed, not angry (whatever MIL says!)

It's triggered by the same kind of things as other kids tantrums as defined by their parents-things happening which are outside her control.

Are they tantrums? If so then how on earth can I deal with them? I'm being told to ignore her when she reacts this way but I cannot do that: she's really upset and it feels cruel!

I don't want to drip feed but we have a lot of ASD in the family and she has a lot of likely traits....

Longer than planned, sorry!

I... don't know how relevant my thoughts are, but ...

DS is now 3. He had no words at 20 months either and never babbled or... anything, and a very close friend who is a speech therapist told us to take him to the GP for referral to speech therapy at age 2 if it hadn't changed. We did, and it was wonderful (eventually).

Don't ignore her, imo. A non talker needs the people who understand them to, well, understand them, and you sound great. Ignoring a tantrum works brilliantly when the tantrum is performance art designed to provoke a negative reaction in you, but not so much in what you describe.

In my opinion.

Which may not be relevant.

I wouldn't choose to ignore her either. It sounds like she needs you to help her understand her strong emotions. My DD is very emotional (but also very verbal so this may work differently with yours) and with her it seems to help to commentate on what she is feeling in a matter of fact way, describing how she feels first and then offering a solution/ distraction. So, for example: I know you want.... I know it is making you very cross and upset because Mummy says no but...

Thank you! Your replies do go with my gut instinct. It's just hard to not second guess yourself when seemingly everyone around you is in favour of naughty steps/smacks/tough love. We did try ignoring/naughty step and she was absolutely devastated. It was awful and also pointless-how are they meant to remember anything except the hurt?

I do try and narrate what's upsetting her too - I read it in How To Talk... ! She's having hearing tests before anyone will consider anything else. I will be pushing though.

Thanks again. I feel much better about it this morning!

Thank you for saying I sound like a good mum Zag! I mostly get "helpful" advice and veiled criticism now she's not developing on target.

DS1 (2.5yo) does this. He definitely has tantrums/meltdowns several times a day, but they are never angry or frustrated, just more overwhelmingly sad/upset. I tend to sympathise with his feelings, narrate his feelings or what it is that triggered them (e.g. "you really wanted the xyz"), hug or hold him if he wants it, then after a while I might try some distraction in the form of a choice "Shall we go and do x or y now?"

I don't think toddlers need to be punished (put on naughty step, etc) for having their feelings that just teaches them that their feelings (which they will have ANYWAY whether they're allowed to express them or not) are unimportant or makes them undesirable.

My little girl (21m) sounds quite similar to yours. She doesn't speak much and certainly isn't combining two words the way the books describe her age group. She says a few words and understands most of what I say and also gets terribly upset (distraught and distressed is a more accurate description) when she wants something she can't have/wants to do something dangerous etc.

I hate seeing her so upset because its not really a 'tantrum' like I've seen on SuperNanny etc. She isn't doing anything naughty and she really seems genuinely upset and I end up feeling like I've betrayed her.

She is a sensitive little thing and I acknowledge her distress and comfort her, cuddle her etc and try to distract her as much as I can. .

Looki I know what you mean -the kids on Supernanny etc all seem angry (as do most of the toddlers at groups) but DD just seems upset! I wasn't sure if I was just being kinder to DD than to random strangers kids though!

Am going with my instincts, partly thanks to the first couple of replies. Each crying episode is a lot shorter and milder if I catch it in time and she's already slightly less inclined to cry.

Even if it was a tantrum, I personally wouldn't punish for it: I would concentrate on containing it and keeping life and property safe.

The only reason I would not cuddle dd through a tantrum was that she didn't like it: it made her more upset.

Go with your instincts.