3rd playdate ends in disaster......

[cleaninglady]

will try and keep this short but my dd 4yr 8mth has just had another playdate that she has made traumatic by endless whining, refusing to play and stroppiness. she is prone to this type of behaviour but she wants friends to come round then i end up embarrased at the way she is with them.... have had long talk with her about it after this latest farce but not getting anywhere - do i give up? she starts school in sept and we live in quite a rural area and this particular playdate was with the only local ish girl of her age so v disappointed!

Don't really have much advice but my DS2 (just 5) is similar. He's finishing Reception.

The few times we have had chldren over to play, he is fine at first but after a while just stops playing with them. He has a short attention span for other poeple, I think. Oddly, he's much better with DS1's (6) friends.

DS2 really wants to be invited to other people's houses and I have had a few chats with him about how we could invite them round here first but he must play nicely with them, otherwise there is no chance of being invited back. I think he has a problem with actions and consequences.

Over the summer holidays I am planning to arrange for a couple of very short (1 hour max) playdates with children who live v locally and we can just take it v gently.

Does your DD start off ok? At what stage in the playdate does she start playing up? What is she like at other people's houses?

oh, sorry to hear this cleaninglady...my first instinct would be actually, don't worry. It's probably worth keeping on with the odd playdate even if they are tricky as (if she's an only?) it is a good chance to experience sharing and treating others as guests etc. Just because she is not doing it right yet, doesn't mean she isn't taking things in and learning each time, imo.

Is she worse when the playdate is at your home? It's heightened I think when it's your own environment you have to share! Can it alternate so that she is at the other girl's home too?

So long as the girl still wants to play, and your DD keeps asking I would carry on, though maybe as you have had a long talk with her today, make it clear that there will be a consequence if she does this or that (whatever you feel is the worst thing!). maybe time out on her own or whatever consequence you think would matter to her.

best of luck though!

mrsdarcy (brill name!) has said something I meant to say, keep the playdate really short for the best chance of success!

dd isn't an "only" as have ds of 21 mths so she should be more used to the sharing thing really i would hope. this is probably the 2/3rd time that particular "friend" has been and its an effort each time - she has been to other peoples houses and is better there but this particular girl has the similar attitude (dont want to play with you/be your friend) which probably doesnt help! plus this new friend asks to come back to ours and her mum is fine with that and i feel bad taking her back before her mum comes or she wants to go! this time ended up nearly 3 hours including me providing tea - keeping it short is prob good advice as at first she is fine - its after 30 mins ish that it starts getting fraught - am loathe to give in as really hoped they would be friends but you cant choose their friends for them i suppose! sorry thats long......

well we had another playdate with the same friend today and it was even worse !! it was too long though but the girls mum seems to have got into the habit of popping over 1/2 hour before she has to go and pick up her other child and then this one asks to stay with us - then 2 hours later its all gone horribly wrong! my dd spent most of the time whining and crying about everything - sooooo frustrating have really fallen out with her and dh has had severe words - think an early post mentioned the lenght of playdate and im inclined to think that might be a big part of it - got another friend coming tommorrow afternoon so really looking forward to it (not) any ideas at all - the worst consequences we can think of didnt stop her doing it again this time

oooh dear. She is a challenge at the mo isn't she!

Do you have a park nearby? I find that going out and haring around can take their minds off the issues that arise at home...maybe you could spin the time out by taking a mini 'picnic', just some little bits you know they will eat (obv. not fruit shoots and sausage rolls as then you wouldn't be allowed back on MN {grin]).

I'm sure this phase will pass, hang on in there, and in the meantime if this was me I'd be out of the house as much as poss tomorrow!

distraction techniques then? maybe im reacting to harshly to it ?

• she is obviously having trouble sharing my attention and her toys but she needs to learn - she has younger db but seems ok most of the time with him - just children her own age - we have a lot of land with our house so think the playdate tomorrow might be outside as that may make things easier if they arent inside on home turf so to speak! its just the embarrassment - i never wanted to be the one who's child was the topic of conversation and not in a good way and have images of these other childrens parents going home and saying negative things like the picnic idea - will do that tomorrow - v sad no froot shoot allowed

Don't bother with them for a while - you don't enjoy them, she doesn't enjoy them so give both of you a break and don't do them!

When she's a bit older then try again.

It really isn;t worth stressing both of you out over.

that was my first instinct to be honest but we have 6 weeks of holidays before she starts in reception and was worried she would be bored? am going to have one last go tommorrow and see how it goes - if she starts whinging or complaining think i will just ignore instead of pulling her up about it maybe? its really not worth the stress

soapbox has written exactly the point I cam back to make! Don't do it if it's so hard!

I know where you are coming from about feeling she ought to have company, as my DS is an only and the weeks of holiday stretch out, and I wonder if he will be completely unsociable if we don't have organised playdates before he starts school....however this is unlikely to happen for us actually, what with us going on holiday, and we only know a couple of families in our new area, who will no doubt also be going away...so I decided not to bother too much, will take him to soft play places, the farm and the beach and I'm sure he will see enough people not to be a complete savage when reception comes!

I always think that with kids, if it's like pushing water uphill, then stop and try again later, when they are ready.....

the other thing is that we live in quite a rural area and ive only been a SAHM for a few months so quite like seeing other adults sometimes everyone aawww for me pls
but have arranged for dm to have lo's so i can meet a friend for lunch on thursday as to be honest this drove me to tears earlier and i cant let things get like that - will post tomorrow eve to say how the playdate goes if anyone interested thanks all!

well we went ahead with the playdate already planned and it well really well! we did keep it short though and before her friend came i asked her if there were any specific toys she didnt want to share and that she could put a few away but had to share the rest without complaining ! we kept it a lot shorter about an hour and half and played inside and outside - was so releived - am not going to push it though but am just glad we can have contact with the outside world!