How can I get my 7 year old to listen to me?

[Vikki88]

Im not quite sure how to put this but I feel like Ive lost all ability to control my 7 year old son and Im getting seriously concerned/upset about it. Hes always been boisterous but recently its gone far beyond that and Im worried about where his behaviour is going and the fact that he no longer listens to me.

At home, he gets abusive to both myself, my boyfriend and even his little brother if he doesnt get his own way. I try to discipline him but that in itself is a massive task as he refuses to co-operate. If he doesnt like his food, he refuses to eat it. If he doesnt like whats on TV, hell change the channel repeatedly or turn the TV off. If hes bored when were out in public, hell make a scene. Hell try to hit me or throw things at me if hes in a tantrum. These are just little examples& but I know hes started doing things to get a reaction out of me. Its like he finds me being annoyed, fun for him. I feel like Ive lost all authority over him and I dont know how to get it back?

Now it seems this behaviour has followed him to school as Ive had to attend a meeting where they told me about him being disruptive in lessons and being aggressive towards other kids. This worries me because hes always been good in school up to now.

My saving grace is that he still listens to my dad, who somehow can still get my son to act properly and behave if hes playing up. Its like it always has been when hes around but when hes not around it doesnt take long for DS to start behaving badly again. It sounds stupid, but its at the stage where I dread saying no to him because of what the reprecussions will be its easier to say yes and I already know that thats not a good thing at all.

I dont know if this is linked at all, but hes also been mentioning his dad more recently than ever before. His dad is a scumbag who is currently in prison and has shown absolutely no interest in DS whatsoever from the day he was born. I would not want them having any kind of relationship and, thankfully, I dont think the dad is interested in one anyway. Thats another thing that Im currently allowing myself to get stressed about.

I dont expect any magic formula, but does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can improve this situation and stop it from getting worse?

Do you realise your son's name is in your post?

I didn't even think... how do I edit?

report the post and ask MN to edit it for you

I really sympathise, I'm finding my 7 year old incredibly tricky too. Also a boy, also boisterous. I thought tantrums would have stopped by now, but we're getting biting/hitting and lots of verbal abuse.

The two tactics that seem to be working are:

1. ignoring him. So for example last night he melted down and he wanted a go on the ipad and I refused because he was in no fit state. I managed to hold out - just ignoring - not getting into a discussion. We made it to bed time without me losing my rag. Miracle!!

2. Praise/star charts for good behaviour. It only works if we're specific on the bevhaviours and he knows what the reward is.

Having said all this, I had such a terrible episode on one evening this week that I've decided to seek help. I usually get dragged into the tantrums and make things worse. I'm not sure where to g/start, so I'm going to contact local midwife I know who hopefully can point me in right direction. I just think bringing up kids is a team effort - a friend from the Phillipines says where she comes from it takes the whole village to pitch in, and I think that's what I need right now - the rest of the team....!!!

Very best of luck xxx

Thanks Wellieboots, I've reported it to them so hopefully they'll edit it now.

Whendotheyleavehome So sorry to hear you're having similar problems. I, like you, am going to be getting help from the school counsellor now so I'm hopeful this can be productive and have a positive impact.

I try to be the adult and to rise above the tantrums but I'll admit I'm often guilty of allowing myself to be dragged in as well, which I will always regret retrospectively. It is difficult to know what the right thing to do is when DS in an aggressive temper though. I do my best to take myself out of the situation, at least metaphorically.

It upsets me that my dad seemingly does absolutely nothing differently to what I'd do with DS, but gets dramatically different reactions. I simply don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I have thought about behaviour charts in the past & have heard good things about them. Turning it into a sort of game does sound like something that is worth trying.

Good luck - I'm sure you'll get through this phase & come out the other side soon.

This is from a great website ahaparenting written by a child psychologist.

"I'm not a big fan of sticker charts because research shows they "externalize the locus of control." To us parents, this just means that praise and rewards train children to look outside themselves for approval, instead of to their own authentic sense of what feels right.

What's more, they may be teaching the wrong thing. Sticker charts make kids focus on the reward as the reason to do the behavior, instead of experiencing the intrinsic value in the activity, so once there is no reward, the activity is no longer "rewarding" to them. "