2.7yo won't say thank you, hello or goodbye

[DIYandEatCake]

I know this sounds pretty trivial, but dd is old enough and a good enough talker for her refusal to greet people, say goodbye or thank them when they give her something to look pretty rude. She is shy with strangers, will not interact with other children at all, is quite complicated, but at home can be affectionate, cheeky and playful. She understands when I explain that it's polite to thank people etc, but just offers suggestions like 'mummy say thank you' or 'teddy say thank you' (the closest she gets to doing anything herself is making her teddy wave a paw to say goodbye). She will say please and thank you (mostly prompted) to us at home, but still won't say hello or goodbye even to her grandparents, who she loves and talks to completely normally otherwise. She does do it all in role play when she's playing with her toys so she does understand - there's just some kind of mental block there. Can anyone help me get her to overcome this?

I don't honestly thnk there is anything to overcome, don't force it, you could be creating the issue. It will come.

Please don't push her on it, the hello and goodbye in particular. It's very very common, at this age and even up to 4 (4+ sometimes). It's no reflection on her manners or your manners or anything. If you try to get her to "overcome" it, it might well prolongue it and/or make her hypersensitive about it.

The thank you element, I would just say "We say "thank you", don't we?" as a reminder to her when thanks is necessary, (and see if she says "Thanks", (if not then at least you have brought the "thanks" up at the appropriate time, she will do it herself in time, rather than forcing her to say it or not acknowledging the appropriate moment for a thank-you) or, "What do we say? We say "thank you".. Thank you, Grandma!". (ie model it for her).

The Hello and Goodbye, I would always invite her to say hello/goodbye, but if she doesn't, I would just leave it. If she won't say goodbye, you could invite her to wave at the window, but even if that's too much then I would just not push that either. If you feel it looks like she's being rude, explain to whoever it is (if you feel so inclined) that she isn't very keen on hello and goodbye, but she isn't being deliberately rude, it's a common thing for children her age and pushing her on it is counter-effective, long-term.

I know it feels distressing when it seems as though manners are not being observed, but you need to overcome your own discomfort (if any) that she doesn't say it because it really is an age thing and very common, and pushing the matter will only be stressful for both of you, and probably will not result in her saying it naturally anyway.

Thank you, that's reassuring. We're doing exactly as you suggested, heyjudith, trying not to make an issue of it but also making sure she knows it's a nice thing to do.

I know its concerning especially if you have good manners yourself, I feared that people (even close family) thought I was somehow condoning bad manners it if I didn't insist to the point of tears that hello, goodbye and thanks were observed each and every time. From speaking to other people I realised how common it is and how counter productive it is to make a fuss over it. I just had to grow some Mummy balls (!) and put my DC first and say to people, "Sorry, we are still learning hello, goodbye and thanks and so I'm not making a massive issue out of it right now".

My DC do great with hello, goodbye and thanks. It all comes in time!

Try teaching to shake hands. My Ds loves doing that. I think it's the actions.

Goodness DIYandEatCake, you could be describing my daughter! My daughter is now 5, and still won't say people's names (except Mummy, Daddy and the name of our dog!) or say hello or goodbye. But she is bright as a button, passionate, affectionate and extremely stubborn, and I am sure will grown up to be a formidable woman!

I agree with everything that HeyJudith says. We're all different: shy / outgoing, stubborn / biddable etc. and children are all different too, (and how boring it would be if they weren't!). So I remind my daughter of the polite things to say, but I don't make a big issue of it, otherwise I fear she will dig her heels in and refuse on principle, or else end up feeling embarrassed about her shyness (which I think she is a bit anyway). And if you're still a bit concerned as she gets a bit older, and gets closer to starting school, you could always have a chat to your health visitor about it (I did!).