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How to manage / discipline / deal with challenging toddler

10 replies

ab00 · 11/11/2013 20:32

Ds 1 is nearly 23 months old. When he's good he is an absolute delight & I could not be prouder. However when the mood takes him, & it frequently does, he can be the polar opposite.

We praise & reinforce good / desired behaviour & try & prevent, distract, diet or ignore as much of the not so good. Some of his behaviour can be completely unacceptable & I'm really not sure of the best way at this age to address this. Examples include deliberate hitting / scratching or pinching & throwing things (clothes, toys, a saucepan which he broke the handle on or anything else he can get his hands on). He does any of these seemingly for no reason at all or in a fit of temper because he hasn't got his own way on something or although his speech is very good he can't communicate exactly what he wants or we don't understand so gets frustrated. When it's frustration we're asking him to show us etc. but then if it's something he can't have, like the bread knife, he kicks off in temper. Last week he deliberately scratched my face twice,hard enough to leave visible scratch marks. Once was in temper while I picked him up & the other was for seemingly no reason at all, he just walked over wrote I was sitting on the floor to give me a kiss or so I thought, & dug his nail in as hard as he could & when I managed to release his grip from my face he started pulling my hair.

How can I manage / discipline / deal with this type of behaviour in way that is appropriate for his age & gets the message across that what he's done is unacceptable? We tell him very firmly with a raised voice not to do x as it's not nice, we don't do x, to stop it if he carries on (which he quite often does the determined little terror!). Sometimes he listebs & stops, more often than not he starts to do whatever with a bit more speed & determination & laughs at us.

Please help!

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SteamWisher · 11/11/2013 20:56

He's only young. My second is 23 months and as you describe. She's very much "in the now" so discipline in the traditional sense doesn't work. Things that do work include telling her what to eg if she goes to hit, I tell her "gentle hands" and show her what to do.

The throwing thing is a phase - I remember ds doing it - we got him to throw balls. Or again I show dd what she should do. But I think it's just about them experimenting and working out what happens if you throw (over and over again!) - dd does the same with other stuff eg stacking cups over and over plus knocking them down.

If she kicks off about something she can't have e.g. My phone, she can be calmed with a cuddle after a while and try and distract. But reasoning - no chance. She's too little whereas her 4 year old brother it does work.

Sometimes they seem so grown up - but, without patronising, they aren't really (I certainly expected a lot of my ds when he was this age but now with dd I'm a bit more relaxed).

BrainLikeASeive · 11/11/2013 23:07

Well congrats on keeping calm. My twins have just reached the hitting / throwing stage and it's a nightmare.
But premeditated violence like that... needs a consequence he'll understand. I vote for an uncomfy, draughty naughty step.

ab00 · 12/11/2013 09:13

I like the idea of showing him what to do Steam if it's appropriate to the situation & I agree that reasoning just doesn't work, he doesn't understand! I do try & tell him what in his behaviour is not acceptable rather than just no so one day he will understand. I really hope this is just a phase ad he's really testing our patience at the moment with some of his behaviour!

Trust me Brain there are times when I'm far from calm with something he's done! Wink I think it's a bit harsh to say it's premeditated - I don't think he put that much thought into it at all & if was more a case of in that moment 'let's try this & see what happens'. I do agree though that behaviour like that needs to be dealt with in a way that gets the message across that it's not acceptable, I'm just not sure what is the best way at this age. I'm not convinced he'd understand the concept of the naughty step yet & equate that because he's done x it's resulted in y?

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ab00 · 12/11/2013 09:13

I like the idea of showing him what to do Steam if it's appropriate to the situation & I agree that reasoning just doesn't work, he doesn't understand! I do try & tell him what in his behaviour is not acceptable rather than just no so one day he will understand. I really hope this is just a phase ad he's really testing our patience at the moment with some of his behaviour!

Trust me Brain there are times when I'm far from calm with something he's done! Wink I think it's a bit harsh to say it's premeditated - I don't think he put that much thought into it at all & if was more a case of in that moment 'let's try this & see what happens'. I do agree though that behaviour like that needs to be dealt with in a way that gets the message across that it's not acceptable, I'm just not sure what is the best way at this age. I'm not convinced he'd understand the concept of the naughty step yet & equate that because he's done x it's resulted in y?

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ab00 · 12/11/2013 09:14

Sorry for double post - bloody phone!

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MiaowTheCat · 12/11/2013 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SteamWisher · 12/11/2013 11:46

I disagree - 23 month olds live in the moment. They do do premeditate their actions in a malicious way. The naughty step won't work, I guarantee it.

Honestly just keep showing what to do, keep your "nos" brief and firm then distract and move on. When mine have a tantrum I say yes you're cross/upset so they can learn their feelings then leave at that. My ds is older at 4. We did the same with him and he doesn't throw/scratch me etc and he can tell me what's wrong. We tried time out but it didn't help. Getting older did.

SteamWisher · 12/11/2013 11:46

They do not* premeditate!

sesamechoc · 12/11/2013 23:26

Hi,

We did " gentle hands" from when out ds1 was born" No, we don't do hitting hands, that hurts mummy and makes me sad. We do gentle hands" - stroke dc gently " can you show me gentle hands" that came from the baby whisperer and the technique really helped him understand that hitting hurts.

There are some books about alternatives to time out/ naughty step? ( lot of valid evidence now that these don't work even when they seem to " work")

how to talk - adele faber, alfie kohn - unconditional parenting, laura markham - peaceful parent, happy kids

We used them and we can't rate highly enough. Have now managed to get 10 friends to read at least one of them and they have all said that it has transformed their family life.

If short on time - ahaparenting - fab website with lots of advice on issues from parents written by a child psychologist.

ab00 · 14/11/2013 11:27

Thanks sesamechoc, will have a look at those! 'Gentle hands' seems to be helping a bit, he's not normally quite so vicious but over the last week he seems to be really pushing the boundaries with some of his behaviour.

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