Underweight or just different??

[Asteria]

My DSS (5 1/2) seems terribly underweight. He is very active, however I worry that he is too skinny. I was away during his last visit so hadn't seen him for a month. He hopped into bed with DH and I this morning and even through his fleecey onesie his bones were prominent to the point of sharp! As I was dressing him later I noticed that his knees are bigger than the widest part of his thighs - surely this is not right?? I know some children are naturally skinny - my son was completely the opposite at the same age and now at the tender age of 11 shares shoes and some clothes with DH, so I have no benchmark to work on.

We only have him for two weekends a month and relations between the two households are very strained, so we are unable to discuss our concerns (we tried in the past but were told to get lost!!). Before it got to this stage there was an email last year from his mother saying that he hadn't gained any significant weight since he was 2 1/2. He hopped on the scales at the vets when we took the dog there a few weeks ago and he only weighed 17.8 kg - less than my sickly dog!!

Am I just being paranoid or is this something to be seriously worried about??

Why does she keep moving? Also is she able to cope with the kids? Is there a routine? if the home is chaotic it could be a sign could be a sign that things aren't well.

Also has your DH spoken to the mother?

I would try and get your dh to ask her to get him supplements (or send them to her). My ds1 is nearly 8 and has just learned how to take pills (also is borderline on dyspraxic, dyslexic etc) so he can take a fish oil supplement. Vegepa is a good one. My 5 yr old can take them (but we don't give them to him) but he is not dyspraxic so found it a lot easier to swallow a pill. We practised with tic tacs as ds1 was finding it very hard.

I think, since he is your DH's child, that your DH should be leading the charge on this, and speaking to the mother in a way that is supportive and not antagonising. And probably not 'we are worried' (ie you and him) but that he is worried.

Yes, on its own I wouldn't worry about the weight, but the other things suggest his diet could be better and that he needs some additional vitamins.

Never having broccoli at home isn't an issue. It's one of two veg dh hates (other being sprouts); so he would never buy them. We do have it because I love it, and I do most of the shopping. Otoh we never have spinach because neither of us like it.

Being thin isn't an issue. One of my dc is exceedingly thin. She was heavier than that at 5yo, but she is also very tall (98%) and eats like a horse.
One of my other dc has just started growing after about 4-5 years of hardly growing at all. She had pneumonia at 8yo, and discovered at that point she'd lost weight from the previous time she'd been weighed at about 6.5yo. Now she had all the tests under the sun to see if there was a reason for lack of growth: No reason has been found, and we've just noticed that she seems to have had her first noticable growth in the last couple of months. She just had been tall, and for some reason stopped growing along the centiles for that time.

What I'm saying is that there can be reasonable reasons for boh being thin, or not growing much for quite a long period.

What the doctor said to me over my non-growing dc, was that I needed to watch energy levels and things like that. If she was not having the energy to do things she wanted to, or things she usually enjoyed she became apathetic over, then to raise concerns again. But while she was doing her usual sports, having the energy to do things etc. then he was happy with her as long as she didn't lose weight again. If she had started being without energy then they were going to want to take her into hospital and monitor her carefully.

Tbh he needs to see a dr. There may be a medical reason for him being so skinny. It may just be how he is though.

However the shit diet, grey bags under the eyes and the constant moving would worry me. I'd start thinking she was worried about someone noticing something.

If he has plenty of energy and gets taller and heavier (however slowly) then his weight is probably fine.

Some of the other stuff you mention doesn't sound wonderful but I'm not sure what you should do about it. Can your dh talk to his ex?

DeWe - it isnt that i think every home should stock broccoli, however if a child is a bit fussy and announces that they love a certain food (especially something so healthy!!) then fill them to the gunnels with it, not exclude it !
Communications between DH and his exW are strained to say the least - any concerns he or I (when she was refusing to communicate at all with him) have voiced in the past have been ridiculed or flatly ignored. As such any suggestion from DH to encourage more varied eating/vitamins/GP intervention has been thrown back.
Duchesse - I don't think that he is starved, although he seems to use his food as a way of controlling. ie he will ask for something and then as soon as it arrives say he doesn't like it. We have taken the line of it is this or nothing and calmly encourage him to eat it - largely ignoring protests and concentrating on praising him and our other two for eating, so he sees that the only attention he will get will be the positive sort. His sister complained about this saying they are given a yogurt if they don' like food at home - but she also said that DSS eats lots of them.
As for his energy levels - he is very moody toward the end of the day, so clearly exhausted and often complains of being tired when we go for walks - but then he never sits still. Literally never!!

If he's at school don't they measure them in year 1? They also get to see a dentist. Furthermore the school have a duty of care to flag up any ongoing concerns they have about a child's welfare. Does dh get the chance to attend parents evenings. I believe he is entitled to a separate meeting if necessary.