My naughty six year old son.

[JacksMum4]

I'm really anxious about my six year old son. How can I turn it around? When he was born his Dad had had a severe brain injury and spent two years in hospital. I lived alone with my son and moved near the hospital. My family lives abroad. My son is doing well at school but since half term his naughty behavior has escalated again - as his routines been disturbed. When his Dad was in hospital we got into a routine where he'd get naughty and I'd react angrily. Smacking or shouting. Now I cringe to hear myself criticize him. "Stop being a wally". He's hard to talk to about school, and deliberately winds us both up. Recently he has also developed little repetitive noises. His Dad could never control him partly due to his cognitive brain injury. His Dad has recovered pretty well now. Is it too late for us to restore my son's self esteem and bring him out of himself? Should we move abroad to my parents and take him away from his older half siblings (14, 17, 20) who he adores but sees once or twice a week? Have I betrayed him by keeping him here and putting their needs and his Dads needs before his? His behavior at the moment is consistently naughty at home but good at school. Can anyone recommend anyone I could talk to who could help, eg parenting class, child psychologist. I'm quite isolated here as I've been so wrapped up in my husbands problems and trying to make things ok for his older children that I think my son has suffered. Is there any hope he will be just fine? Is this normal behavior? Have I ruined my beautiful son's life? I'd really appreciate any advice.

First if your son is not naughty

He is a 6 year old who has been through a lot and is displaying behaviours that you don't like

You say he is well behaved at school so he does know how to behave and sounds like a child who thrives on routine and is attention seeking at home

There is support out there and you can talk to your gp for referral

I think the worse thing you can do is move him at this point

A friend of mine admitted her shortcomings as a mother at a Sure Start centre and they referred her for parenting classes and counselling. Is there one near you?

Sounds like a CAMHS referral might help. Talk to your GP. It sounds like you have been through a lot yourself, perhaps there is a way you can meet other parents or build a support network for yourself? I'm sure you haven't ruined his life. Be kind to yourself, you've had a lot to deal with

Thanks for your advice everyone, that's very helpful. I hadn't thought of the GP. I did go to Sure start when he was two - I suppose I could go back there too. I just find it hard to be patient when I'm stressed and he seems to deliberately wind me up. Thanks 17leftfeet for the insight on him "attention seeking", that's true I know. I think I need to understand him better and get some time to myself to be more positive.

There is every hope for you as a family. Any parent who wants to improve their child's life and can be open and honest is a good parent.
Now you just need support for yourself on dealing with everything you've been through. Once your happier and more relaxed, and not getting evidently stressed with your DS he'll relax and become happier too.

I think you understand your DS very well - and understand yourself. Sometimes you just need a little support to turn things around. I believe you can do it.

When you say he is naughty at home, what kind of things are you talking about?

Before you go off to the GP, it would probably be helpful to establish if we are talking normal 6yo naughtiness or a greater level of acting up because of what he has been through or extreme behaviour that might indicate there is something more seriously wrong with him.

So what is he doing? Sometimes answering you rudely and/or failing to obey? Unable to understand your instructions at all? Being violent and destructive? Trying to set fire to the house?

I would say my ds was "normally naughty" at this age: his table manners were horrendous, he answered back at times and did not always (often) comply with demands, but was affectionate in between. Patience and a firm and consistent but good humoured approach was all he needed to gradually grow out of his undesirable behaviour.

His sister was acting out a higher level due to trauma: she went into violent tantrums where she literally didn't seem to recognise people around her but would lash out and bite and kick. She needed counselling and longterm support.

Other friends have found that the behaviour of their children has been related to various forms of SN that needed special support.

If he is just normally 6yo "naughty", then CAHMS won't be able to help him, but the GP or SureStart might still be able to point to some support for you. Don't let's forget that you have gone through a lot, without support by the sounds of it, and that struggle will have taken its toll on you. It may be that you are seeing his behaviour as worse than it is because you are exhausted and worn out with caring for other people.

Cory and youarewinning, heartfelt thanks for your encouraging words. I struggle to be positive partly because I'm isolated, but also my DS is very strong willed and yes, disobedient, and I seem to spend my time policing his actions instead of enjoying him, surely at this stage that's what it should be all about. Next week I'll take steps to contact sure start and the doctor although like you say, Cory, it's more about normal naughtiness than trauma. I just find it hard to communicate love and joy to him, it's a frustrating struggle where I feel, "where am I going wrong?" But he's definitely not trashing the house or hitting people. Just seems uncommunicative, resentful, stubborn with me quite a lot. This is not how I dreamed of raising my beautiful six year old son. I feel I'm betraying him.

'Patience and a firm and consistent but good humoured approach was all it needed' - great advice which I will work on - thanks Cory!l