What to do when time out doesn't work ?

[CheshireDing]

Any thoughts appreciated.

Sometimes DD (just turned 2 years) will do time out and sometimes (like this morning) in the end I just ended up man handling her clothes off her and putting her in the shower. With her saying to me afterwards "I sat on the floor and was crying and am sad" :(

I don't know what the alternative is though and after her comments I feel awful :( :(

The most important thing with time out is consistency.

Do not lose your patience. Easier said than done...i know.

When you place your dc in time out. Explain why and tell her how long. Timers are brill. Which you probs already do those.
But if she gets off, say nothing. Place her back and reset the timer.

Repeat as often as neccessary. It could take a lonnnng time.

If you lose your patience even once, you have reset all of your hard work as dc will feel at some point you will cave.

What i used to do there was when it got too much. Id put myself into another room in time out myself, kind of. Just to calm down. Then i went straight back to work.

It is hard work, but does pay off in the end.

Also, look at your location of time out. I started off with a stool. Then moved it to the bottom stair once the time ot became fully established

Ooh and dont feel bad for her comments. She doesnt realise how it makes you feel.

I have had all sorts come from mine. You need to remind yourself to not take it personally.
When mine used to do that, i would take it that i was obviously regaining control and theh were trying their hardest tk get it back

Thank you for your comments, I did have to go and empty the dishwasher and leave her too it for a bit because she was driving me crazy !

Will try not to take it personally (she is speaking to me again now) and will plough on.

i found that time out was more trouble than it was worth until mine where 3. until then i would pick him up place him in the entrance hall and walk away. their understanding at 2 is limited.

I found a calming cuddle and a little chat at two more productive.

Hi OP,

There really is now a huge volume of evidence that time outs don't work and I mean they don't work even when they seem to "work". We've never done them on our dc. (I know a lot of parents do them but time outs are based on behaviourism theory , of which all the experiments were done on animals!!!!

The complex wiring of the brain in a HUMAN BEING and NOT an animal means that if emotions aren't allowed (which is what a child will feel during a TO and how your dd expressed it in such an emotionally intelligent way!), means that if the emotions aren't allowed to be expressed in the only way a 2 year old has the ability to express emotions they often can't articulate - although yours did!!! ( eg tantrums) means they get "pushed" into the subconscious brain where they can no longer be regualted and come out in different ways. e.g. anxiety in adults can often cause neurological symptoms which are medically unexplained

I've attached this link from the website ahaparenting which is written by a child psychologist (although it's about an older child than yours, it seems pertinent to your dd

www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/4-5-year-old-doesn-t-follow-rules-at-the-dinner-table

Just clicked on this thread because time out doesn't always seems to work for DD, who is 4. sesamechoc that's interesting what you've said, but how do you deal with proper full on tantrums without using time out? Surely you have to give them time to calm themselves down because any kind of reasoning doesn't work once they've got themselves into that state?

It doesn't work because she is too little.

I find timeout counter productive anyway. Becomes a power battle, and for what? My ds responds better to working with him. Of course if he misbehaves, I tell him off but sticking in timeout doesn't work.

If it worked, then why do people need to do it so often?

Since I've dropped it, ds is much easier and his behaviour is generally very good. He's 4.

Just read other post - if my ds has a meltdown it's usually because he's tired or hungry so timeout just makes things worse. I stay calm and tell him to tell me what's wrong - doing this over and over (not the same instance, but over time) has paid off as he now calms down pretty quickly. Of I try and push him when there is no real need then it escalates.

Hi iwouldgoouttonight

Here's another link where she gives some alternative techniques to use - ocassionally it gets a bit " american" but it's still worth reading

www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=308761K

Essentially , me and DP read unconditional parenting - Alfie Kohn, how to talk - adele faber and peaceful parent, happy kids - laura markham and use all the tools from there. All 3 books are amazing and I would say when you read UP, particularly if you were brought up with Time outs, you can actually felel your brain rewiring as you read it....

As I've gone a bit evangelical about not using punishments and rewards to bring up children , I think it's worth saying that are dc - 2 boys - are 7 and 3 - and doing it this way has been hard work , but - and I have to use this word - the rewards! - have been unbelievable. And just to reassure you that it's not permissiveness - which people always tend to think when you tell them you don't do punishments and rewards, both sons are thriving at primary and nursery school - both educationally and behaviourally ( we've just had a parents' evening for DS1 !)

I'm so passionate about this, I'm thinking about writing an article abut it in family guardian!!!!

our dc not are!