DS was awful - no idea if I responded the right way HELP

[conkertheworld]

DH and I just picked up DS from nursery with his little friend (both 4). DS was horrible all the way back because we were helping friend up the hill on his scooter. We weren't allowed to help him, he had to win, he had to be in front, basically being really over-competitive. Lots of bad tempered wailing. On the home straight he scooted up past him and basically pushed him over on his scooter. Coming up the pathway to the house he wrestled him to the ground to try and get to the front door first. Then once inside he, I can think of no other way to say it, attacked him and pushed him to the ground again. All because he wanted to win.

I am so horrified.

I took him upstairs and with him on my knee told him that he was my lovely boy and I was so sad he had been so angry and hurtful to his friend. I have no idea what words I should have used, but I definitely tried to emphasise that the behaviour was bad not him. I left him on his own for a minute or so while i sorted out the friend downstairs and then went back up to talk to him. He acknowledged what he did was wrong but did not want to apologise. Pretty unrepentant really. He only agreed to apologise when he realised he was going to have to stay in his room otherwise. BUt I don't really know why I pushed for an apology since he clearly didn't mean it. He did seem very upset though.

What should I do? I feel like this is something I need to nip in the bud but I feel so ineffectual. I'm ashamed to say I really felt like smacking him - not that I ever would - but it was such horrible behaviour.

It can be shocking to see your little one be mean to another child but nursery and school dynamics are very different from home.

It sounds like you handled it really well. When an incident like this happens with one of my kids I try and deal with the issue at the time but then in the evening when things have calmed down I sometimes try and have a more productive chat about being kind and how if we are kind to others, they are kind to us, leaving plenty of room for the child to chip in with their own thoughts.

It always makes me feel a bit better if I know we have calmly drawn a line under something.

You did the right thing in not tolerating his bad behaviour and putting him to his room. I'm not sure that I would have put him on my knee or told him he was my lovely boy or gone back after a minute to talk some more. I would have been firmer - put him to his room, told him that his behaviour was not acceptable and left to tend to his friend.

Once he had calmed down (after a 4/5 minutes in his room at least) then I would have taken him out of his room, reminded him that his friend was here to play and have a nice time, and that I wanted nice playing. Any repeat and he would be back in his room.

Later on, once the friend had gone, we might have had A Chat.

I may get a flaming for this but is he an only child? If so I wonder if a little jealousy (you and dh helping his friend) was in the mix.

Thanks so much for your posts

He is sort of our only child (we have an older child (15) who lives with us) but he is insanely jealous of sharing me. It has often come up that I cuddle one of his friends or have a friend's baby on my lap and he always reacts very strongly, coming back to reclaim.

I may also have been a bit lavish with the treats and toys recently .

His biggest problem though is that he is a terrible, terrible loser. If we have a race he makes me promise not to win before we even start. I don't know where he gets it from as we are both laid-back types.

I think he needs to lose a few times and learn how to deal with it. He'll learn that the world doesn't end if he loses.

I'm concerned that he was so horrible to a friend when you and DH were both there. Mine would never have dared - don't let him become a little prince.

He's going to have to learn that he doesn't always get to win, and that other people also like to win too - one of life's harder lessons, unfortunately!

He's only 4, so teeny really - but it's now that you need to nip the behaviour in the bud by being a lot bit firmer

Thanks Morg. We were both right there and actually had to pull him off. The other child is very sweet and didn't retaliate.

I think we are definitely in the little prince danger zone. To be frank, for a while now he has behaved in a rather spoilt way and I've ignored it because most of the time he is just so cooperative and lovely.

Thanks guys. I think I have been letting him get away with murder.

Refusal to lose is definitely not going to win him any friends when he starts school next year. And now I'm remember now his birthday party a couple of months ago when he threw the pass the parcel across the room because he didn't win .

Molding The scene you describe with your DD and DF sounds horribly familiar! What did you do to help your DD get used to losing? Is there no way other than a set of Uno and infinite patience?

DS is so incredibly strong too, so I really have to reason with him. Wrangling with him would mean pinning him down and making him do something, which frankly just feels wrong.

They are playing so well now. DS has been up and told me he thinks what he did was wrong and he won't do it again.

I agree that it seemed your little boy didn't like seeing his parents looking after another child but I think it's normal as long as you make it clear that you don't tolerate any kind of aggressive behaviour! I think I would have given him a warning after the first time he hurt his friend tho. my ds1 has been awful at loosing but I started to notice changes since he's going to preschool (he is 4) and today we played a board game and I kept telling him it might be that he would win but it might that I would and although he won twice before I won eventually seemed fine with it so I think it's just a matter of time and experiencing losing for them to get used to it and really appreciate winning as well!

I don't think you should feel obliged to protect him from all manner of bad feelings iyswim. Sometimes it is ok to let him see that he is in the wrong, that you are not feeling sorry for him and that your sympathy is with the other child.

As long as he has your overall love and attention, a few hurt moments like that will help him to grow up more resilient.

He needs to know that you will never let him get away with hurting anybody else, even if it means physically restraining him. Basically that you are prepared to protect him from himself if need be. And protect others from him.

The whole of your OP does sound as if you feel a bit guilty about being angry with him and stopping him from doing something, as if you needed to apologise to him first by telling him he is your lovely boy.

The problem with this is it sends him the message that being in trouble is something terrible which you feel you need to protect him from. It makes it far bigger and scarier than if you just accepted that he has misbehaved and that (moderate) anger is an ordinary, reasonable response to that.

I do have a friend who was terribly protective of his eldest to the point of letting him getting away with all sorts of behaviour when he was little and always rushing in to reassure him if he might reasonably be supposed to be in trouble vis-a-vis other people. He has grown up a pleasant enough boy, not at all a spoilt monster, but he has very poor social skills and is noticeably anxious around other children. All that reassuring has done is to teach him that he is a delicate plant who needs protecting. And however good-natured the children around him are, they are hardly going to regard him as an equal if he has not learnt to mix with them on equal terms.