Are these normal tantrums or should I be worried?

[afussyphase]

I know 2yo DC have tantrums. DD1 (now 5) had them. But DD2 has them to a whole new level and I'm starting to wonder if they are normal. Some of them are very specific. Here are a few examples:
-- tantrum because she couldn't have an unbroken, round papadam (there was only one left and DH broke it so the two girls could share)
-- similarly with a doughnut: wanted it only if it was fully round and unbroken - but we were sharing one amongst all of us. A small but round piece, from the doughnut cut the other way, was not OK. She decided she'd rather not have it at all (after coming out of her time out). She is not hugely keen on food anyway. But she actually threw a plate on the floor over the non-roundness of the incomplete doughnut. (not in a rush to provide a treat like that again...)
-- tantrum if I want her to use the wrong toothbrush or wrong toothpaste; this morning I insisted, and she spent 10 minutes screaming with her hand in her mouth trying to undo the wrongness of the toothbrush!
-- tantrum if she is not the first to climb into the bed (for storytime), or if she is not the one who gets to turn on the light, or if her sister correctly points out that in face, SHE had her pyjamas on first, etc etc.
-- tantrum if I walk down the stairs, unaware that she wants to come down, and neglect to carry her. This is just the list from the past few days!

ANY little thing can flare up - you just never know. I feel like we either have a LOT of screaming, and/or time outs, or we are all just walking on eggshells. I know some of it is normal. But really: the shapes of foods? The particularity of it ... it makes me wonder.

So: is this extreme tantrum-throwing normal? Edge of normal? What do we do? I feel like we can't give in - she'll be walking all over us with who has to put what foot where first, forever! But rewards (stickers) and praise coupled with time outs don't seem to change how much she cares about these things, and if she feels it so intensely, I just think it'll continue. Any thoughts?

normal for my dd - she did grow out of them v quickly though

I'd say normal. They can get fixated on things like that very easily, I remember that stage well.
She will become more reasonable as she gets bigger!

I had the shape of food thing with dd- to the extent that when ds came along, he was constantly baffled by how closely I questioned him about his preference for fusili or macaroni. "It's just pasta mum!^. Also positioning of food- again subsequent child baffled-"Where would you like your ketchup?" "Er- on the plate, mum?".

She also freaked out if I reversed the car into a parking space when she had decided in her head that we were going in front first.

She's an incredibly calm even tempered 17 year old now if that's at all reassuring!

Completely normal. This too will pass.

Sounds about normal , just like my DD (2 next week) - she also has the "unbroken food" obsession and goes absolutely mental if a well-meaning Grandparent decides to cut up her food for her. Also can scream for 10 mins if I dare to change her brother's nappy and so turn my attention away from her for 30 seconds. Whereas DS (also 2 - twins) is usually pretty placid and rarely has tantrums, but does like to give her the odd slap if she is tantrumming, a whole different problem!

Normal!
My DD was never like this so the first time DS1 did it I just stood there with my jaw on the floor as I'd never seen anything like it!
We've had tantrums about letting the bath water out (and then putting the plug back in ), breaking food just like you describe - he'd rather have no biscuit than half of one! There are too many things to list.
He's very articulate so doesn't have a problem expressing himself verbally but these things can be triggered by anything. He's very independent and wants to do everything himself so that's where quite a few avoidable tantrums have stemmed from.
I read a couple of books: how to talk so children listen and unconditional parenting and have found that labelling his feeling helps and asking him what's upset him, empathising and then making a token attempt to 'fix' things (like trying to put the ice lolly back on the stick) really help him deal with it. It's like he sees I understand and am trying to help so that's good enough. (No idea if this is a good idea and it doesn't always work!)
On the plus side - he's given me some great stories to blackmail him with when he's older.

Thank you!
I am COUNTING THE DAYS. Which feels sad: I really enjoyed DD1 being 2 and I did not so much count the days as relish them (can you see the rose-tinted glasses coming out ...?) But still - I am afraid she'll be a control freak 3, 4, 5 year old and later develop OCD. Over the top, I know, but I am very glad to hear your dd grew out of it.

Have you seen this? www.reasonsmysoniscrying.com/ Helps me to smile - as your girl's perfectly round doughnut insistence does!

Sorry, cross-posted, thanks for so many reassuring replies. I'm going to get the How to talk ... book; have seen it recommended many times on here. I'm going to try the other things you suggest- trying to appear to fix it, etc. She responds a little bit to requests to SAY how she is feeling rather than scream about it, but usually these meltdowns are so intense that I don't think she can really avoid feeling so intensely about them. Vivi, just like yours she really wants to be independent, and she is quite articulate, so we always know pretty much what she wants. Obviously she wants more control over things. But I want to know where the line is between giving in (or appearing to her to be giving in, such that more of the same will work - argh!) and ensuring that we all have a liveable routine!

curlew - yes, calm 17yo is very, very reassuring :)

Just remembered the trauma of broken breadsticks. Oh,God, how could I have forgotten??????

forgot to add my dd is also a very calm teen too.you have that to look forward to op.

Dd can have a tantrum when I have done the thing she ASKED me to do..... Just sayin'.

The tales of calm teenagers are very encouraging, but I'm fooling only myself if I believe it's going to happen with dd - I've seen my niece. She's my dd's favourite person. God give me strength.

Hm. My hopes are high on the calm teenager front. Ironically, DD1 was a difficult baby -- no napping, constant breastfeeding, not wanting to be put down, terrible bedtimes. DD2 was lovely as a baby, smiling all the time, happy after feeds, coming along to lunches and napping happily in the travel cot thingy... and I finally understood when people said about how much they enjoyed their mat leaves. And now the tables have turned! I really hope that DD2's baby disposition is the real one and it will re-emerge before the teenage years, or at least during them. Broken breadsticks indeed. So glad it's not just us...

Normal! The story of the cutted up pear is a stalwart on MN. (Toddler asked for it cut up, mum cut it up - all hell broke loose IIRC)

DS was absolutely terrible for this and also anything happening at all that couldn't be reversed - so think tossing something in a bin as you walk past, DS would FREAK because he wanted to undo what had happened and do it again WITH HIS CONSENT - but I would refuse to start rootling around in a park bin for it - cue HUGE tantrum and they could go on for hours. Once he picked a daisy on a walk, then dropped it, then decided about 20 mins later he had to go back and find it --- urgh that was horrendous, massive screamathon, trying to find it, then trying to persuade him give up on it as we had to go, trying to fob him off with a different daisy (did NOT go well) etc etc etc, it's seared into my memory.

He is now 8 and the most mild-mannered, lovely boy, honestly!

DD also tantrums but they are more rational and short-lived (e.g. because someone else is getting their turn to watch their TV programme when she wants to watch hers). When she sees it's not getting results she stops. (If I had had her first and then DS I think I would have really worried too.)

Oh yeah -- I remember the cutted up pear thread. It was a toddler AIBU, right? and hilarious. We should do another one of those. I would indeed also draw the line at going 20 min back for a particular daisy and certainly at rooting around in a public bin (eewwww). Fortunately we haven't had that particular one. I am extremely glad to hear your DS is now reasonable and lovely. Like I said .. counting the days.

Oh totally normal, DD1 had every single one of these :-). Just be mindful, take things slowly and observe her. Also it helps knowing when DC is tired or cranky as it is in these moments that a broken popadum can matter.

My 3 year old recently threw herself on the pavement screaming because an old lady got on the bus before her as she wanted to get on the bus first. I think children have different temperaments, so these tantrums are "normal" but still it could be that our DDs are a bit on the drama queen side!