6y old very anxious about death - how best to handle

[flatmum]

Just after some ideas of how to respond to this. My ds has just turned 6. He is a middle child and it the most "sensitive" of the three - seems to feel things more deeply. He is generally happy and cheerful but when he does get angry or upset he really gets in a state. Over the last couple of months he has repeatedly made comments about me or his father dying.

One time we were on a family day out and he asked whether he could take a picture of me with it. When I asked him why he said so I can remember you when youy go up to heaven mummy. A few times he has started crying for no reason and when we ask him he says because I don't want you to go up to heaven and die Mummy. He is constantly asking how old we are and how long we have left. Somehow he has it in his head that you die at 100 and he got upset when I turned 40 as it seemed near to 100 to him. The other night he came down from bed after having previously been asleep (normal bedtime, happy when he went to bed) sobbing his heart out saying i don't want you to die Mummy.

Our response so far has been to just reassure him and say dont worry, you dont need to worry about these things for a long time, we arent going anywhere, we will always be there for you etc etc - but he seems to be getting worse and I am wondering if what we are saying is making him more anxious. I don't want to promise him we will never die. Think it stems from when his great grandmother died (at 90) 18 months ago. He was very little but we let them come to the service (not the crematorium) as thought it would be a good "introduction" to death for him and his elder brother as it wasn't a tragic or particulary sad circumstance due to her age. He now keeps saying I don't want you to die like Great Gran and I am wondering if we did the wrong thing - we had to tell them she had died as she came to all their birthdays and family occasions. We told them a typical child version of what happens when you die when they asked about the body is tired and they go to heaven and watch over you but you can't see them and he seemed ok with that. We are not church goers but he does have religious influences from Beavers and school and I leave them to it really as don't want to enforce atheism on them.

Is there a better way to handle this?

A temporary obsession with death is quite common at this age, when they realise what it means (permanent, happens to everyone). I think you're handling it fine - best to be matter of fact and honest about it. Have you read any of the books for children about death - Badger's Parting Gifts, Goodbye Mog etc?
It's a hard topic for parents to talk about, but maybe you need to emphasize more just how old his ggran was, and how you will probably still be around when he is grown-up and has children, and when his children have children.

You know your own child better than anyone but firstly I think its an age thing. He's becoming more aware of life . Secondly I suggest you don't lie to him. Nobody will be here forever!

Everyone dies eventually it's the way the world is. However there is no need to worry him as it shouldn't happen until you get very very old.

I have explained to my ds that as people get old they get tired and their body begins to need more help. Eventually people's body's wear out and they no longer work well, their body's stop working because they have no energy left to keep going. When this happens the person may not be here to touch and talk to but they are always in the stars watching down on us and we will never ever forget them. They can see and hear us.

Ds 6 has had a hard year with his grandad dying and his other two granddads being very ill.

It also depends what you believe in spiritually but I find children can't grasp the idea that people die and go nowhere.

Thanks all, good to hear it is a normal phase. I too would never say they go nowhere as that is just too harsh for them I think. I have said all the things you've suggested repeatedly - like when GG died she had children and grandchildren and great grandchildren - you guys, and I will have that too. He understands it I think but is just worried that something will happen to me in the meantime. I don't let them watch the news or anything like that and they have always been quite sheltered - I am wondering now if I need to expose them to a bit more so he doesnt freak out as much when he realises about things. I think I will get a book for us to read togather as suggested, thank you. I do appreciate that we are lucky that we haven't had to confront death more closely yet than his ggrandmother - really makes me feel for little ones that lose people closer at this age ...

It's part of the human condition that we have to work through this fear sooner or later. You can't take that from him but you can be there for him- and that is precisely what you are doing. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. It is a very normal age for first becoming aware of death.

Ds' first thoughts of death were also at this age but rather more difficult to explain away gently- he found out by accident that his beloved swimming instructress, a truly lovely girl in her early twenties, had been murdered by her boyfriend. I cried with him: there was nothing else I could do, no way I could pretend that this wasn't horribly, horribly wrong. He then had to go and spend time in a house where he was not able to talk about it because of younger relatives who must not be told. I taught him to beat up his bedclothes if he felt he had to take his tensions out, and I gave him a codeword if he felt he had to leave the group and talk to me.

It was a horrible time but he got through it. It hasn't scarred him or damaged him for life, just left an awareness of the fragility of life and the need to be gentle with each other.

It is normal, however, upsetting.
Are you religious?

Mine are quite fixated by death (especially DD1 whose 5) I think partly because there's been a lot of it in her short life.
I answer all her questions honestly and try to sound quite positive about it. I happily answered we'd all die one day (what else can you do?) and said that really life was like a great day out and at the end you need a good rest. I explained no one knows what happens when you die, some people think that's it, some that you go somewhere wonderful and see all the people you love, and some that you get to come back and be someone else. But you don't know until you die and once someones dead they can't come back to tell you.
I remember going through this when I was about 6, I was especially worried about my mum dying and would sneak into her room at night to check she was still breathing. It was scary at the time, but I got over it!

thanks all I was worried he was disturbed about something as he is quite sensitive and his older brother has never mentioned it! Good to hear is is normal at this age. We are not religious.