Is being consistent how you give boundaries and is it too late?

[toffeesponge]

Someone has told me my eight year old doesn't know his boundaries. He doesn't know when to stop when being naughty and told off and it is because I was too soft in the past.

I accept I was too soft when he was younger and won't bore you with why but have been firmer with him for quite a while.

When he started his new school two years ago we were called in as he was misbehaving but we haven't been told of any issues since. I assume the school deal with anything that arises and we will be told if we need to know.

I am feeling I have failed him and it is my fault he misbehaves, not his, but I am trying and would like reassurance it isn't too late.

TBH a lot of what he does - answering back over and over when asked not too - I put down to him being eight years old and copying his older brother but didn't think there was anything wrong with him as such.

Who dared to judge your parenting?

If you are concerned about school, have a quick word with the teacher. That should either reassure you, or let you know what is really going on.

I would say that most parents are too lax at times - but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

The key thing with children is to realise they are individuals, so all act and react differently. For example one mother was horrified when I spoke about so ermines coooking special things, for one of my children. Hers all ate what she gave them. However at various times my children have been either reluctant to eat, or rather not eat and be hungry than eat certain things. Eg. My eldest cannot stand anything mashed, and it makes him feel nauseous to think of trying to eat it.

The next key thing is that children IMHO go through "naughty" phases, when they are suddenly far more challenging and hard work. It isn't because of our parenting but because of: hormone surges, developmental stages, and outside factors (diet, tiredness, stress, friends etc.).

Do not beat yourself up. Reading a few good parenting books can help, as can a good parenting course (where you learn that everyone struggles at times).

But do look at who criticised you, this could be the real harmful relationship in your life.

A head teacher at another school who also said she thought he had learning difficulties, was maybe on the spectrum a bit but she wasn't qualified to say

and a family friend who looked after him for a couple of days during school time and said he doesn't know when to stop when naughty. She used to be a nanny.

I am worried in case I am missing something obvious with spending every day with him but also think he is a normal kid!

It may be more that he isn't recognising the normal social cue people use to communicate that they have had enough.

If that's the case you can help him by telling him explicitly what you can see in their behaviour that he hasn't picked up on, e.g. " minitoffee, I can see that you're still enjoying that tickling game but [friend] is asking you to stop in a serious voice and beginning to look sad. That means he is no longer having fun and you need to stop before he starts to feel angry".

I think there is something in that. He gets quite close to people and used to want to hug all the time. He has suffered with not being able to hear at times, was completely deaf when born, suffered a perforated eardrum and now is at the lower end of normal hearing. I suspect since we were told that he might be better as hears things I wouldn't think he could and may just have delayed hearing as I do.

I do tell him X doesn't want you to do that anymore and he does stop.

If you are genuinely worried, I would go to your GP and request he is referred to a paediatrician for an assessment.
But sometimes children who don't hear well do lack social cues and behave a bit like children with mild ASD. On the other hand I have known a child whose "odd" behaviour was put down to his hearing issues for a while, but then later was diagnosed as ASD.

However if the class teacher has no concerns I wouldn't worry unduly (although if they say it's not ASD and you are worried I wouldn't let that discourage you from seeking an assessment).

What is ASD and wouldn't it have been picked up by now?

ASD is Autism Spectrum Disorder. Children at the higher functioning end of the spectrum are often not diagnosed until they are older. My DD1 was diagnosed aged 12.

However Austism isn't just about reading social cues. It's a pervasive developmental disorder which means it causes difficulties in lots of areas of the child's life, e.g. rigidity of thinking, high need for routine, violent meltdowns, sensory sensitivities, lack of eye contact, etc. Different children have different difficulties but those with a diagnosis generally have lots of them.

I don't think he has any of those difficulties other than he will shout at me and it will take me 3 times of telling him to stop before he does. I can see what I am doing wrong there and will try and different tack as when I do something "softer" he reacts better.

Goldmandras's suggestion is a good one: if you think he struggles with actually understanding when he has to stop, then it might help to spell it out really clearly.

You might also want to try Social Stories. This is a technique used by parents of children with ASD but it doesn't mean it can't be used for anybody else.

A Social Story is basically a way of helping the child to visualise in advance a situation he might struggle with, explain what is going on, reassure him that he will be ok, give him ideas of how to cope and show him how he can get help from others.

For instance, in the case of a tickling games:

"I like playing tickling games with my friend. It's great fun and we like laughing together. But sometimes a tickling game goes on for too long and my friend becomes upset. Then his face grows sad. I am going to learn how to stop before my friend gets upset. I am going to listen carefully to here if he says "stop" and I'm going to look at his face to see if it looks sad. If he tells me to stop or says he doesn't like it I am going to step away and think of another game we can play. That way we can carry on having fun together. Mum and my teachers can help to remind me about this."

(you may want to adjust the language to make it less babyish or more likely to appeal to his individual taste)

Or you could make it into a little cartoon strip for him. The important thing is to keep it positive.

btw, my friend's dd had glue ear as a child which was later sorted by a grommet. She seemed to miss several years of her social development and it took her quite some time to catch up. But she is now a very well adjusted teen with no social problems.

We have a book but as he has taken it with him in his school bag I can't recall the title but I do know it is for children with autism as he had a problem with people's personal space.

We are not getting any support at school but that is being addressed by DH and I.

Thank you. I am going to reread all the great advice on this thread again.