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DD 4yrs keeps lashing out at me

8 replies

poppycock6 · 05/11/2013 22:56

My DD is very strong willed and although she is pretty angelic most of the time, we have noticed recently that her temper tantrums are getting more frequent. Meal times are mostly a nightmare as she hardly touches her food and wants to constantly mess about. When we try to instill some discipline she starts being cheeky blowing raspberries etc and telling us to shut up! Sometimes when I refuse to give in to her demands she kicks and hits me and has a full scale meltdown. Tonight she really hurt me with her fist (she's tiny but strong!) all because I didn't give in to one of her many trivial demands (she wanted me to get a different book at bedtime even though we had a pile of books next to the bed). I gave her a brief kiss, said goodnight and left the bedroom after which she started crying and following me. She knew I was upset and did apologise. I can feel her frustration and anger sometimes and she just gets more and more hysterical. She obviously doesn't understand it herself. Her teacher says she is very well behaved at school. We have an older DD who is 5 and have never had such problems.
Is there anything I can do to help her? I think I am guilty of being a bit soft sometimes as it's easier than dealing with a meltdown but then she pushes me to the limit and I can feel myself about to lose control. DH doesn't know how to handle her either. We do the naughty chair and sometimes send her to her room. Eventually she calms down and it's like butter wouldn't melt until the next! Any advice much appreciated. Thanks for reading.

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TheSinisterTrifle · 06/11/2013 20:16

Okay this is tough but manageable. Take the food away with NO COMMENT or fuss. Do not offer an alternative.

Ignore tantrums by removing her from the cause of the tantrums. If she hits you take her on your knee facing away from you and hold her arms and repeat YOU WILL NOT HIT ME. Repeat, repeat and repeat and then release her. If she hits you again repeat, repeat, repeat.

I am going to get flamed for this but do you 'forgive' her when she says 'sorry Mummy' and let it go? Then don't. She doesn't get her story, go swimming, go to the party etc. I sound like a Victorian school teacher I know but I know this works.

"I think I am a bit guilty of being a bit soft sometimes" you said. What if she hits a child at school because she wants that particular toy?

Let the flaming start. (smile)

jollygreenmama · 07/11/2013 18:18

Hi poppycock and trifle,

I have the same problem with my dd now into 2nd half term at reception. Normally an idyllic child but when tired this week she has had a melt down every night before bedtime. It is so frustrating and upsetting I too get hit & things thrown etc when I won't 'give in'. Tonight she is already in bed fast asleep as she's been waking at 5 - 5.30 since clocks changed. Obviously I feel that tiredness is the reason but this sort of behaviour isn't acceptable and is only thrown at me. Her teacher says she's so good at school so she seems to be trying so hard there that she just can't take it anymore at home. She's been witness to behaviour from other children that she hasn't seen before which she tells me of and is quite scared of.

We have a reward system here of marbles and a jar - good behaviour marbles in, poor behaviour marbles out. She has no marbles in the jar and is rapidly loosing toys, treats and perks (tv).
I'm not sure the system is working at the moment to be honest!!
I don't know about you Poppy but I try to pre-empt this sort of behaviour but don't think thats the way to go either as she just shouldn't behave like it!!

I try to stay calm as am usually a very soft and kind person (so friends say) but I too get pushed Poppy and find that shouting back is the only thing that makes her stop, I have to get so furious which I really don't like. Should we stay calm or is it best to show your disappointment? Do they even get it??

Exhausted and confused Confused

jollygreenmama · 07/11/2013 18:27

Poppycock6 I just goggled 'reception age tantrums and a thread from 2012 came up from here, if I knew how to link it i would but its worth look….

TheSinisterTrifle · 07/11/2013 21:58

As I said in my post. It takes time and a lot of patience. The marble/gold stars did not work for me but dd realised that she did not go swimming/to the party/wear her new dress when she hit me or had a meltdown. That worked.

It was tough dealing with the tantrum when she thought I was going to give in anyway. I was brought up short when a friend said "She is a total brat". I went for my friend with all hackles up and then I sat back and thought, "She is right" and cried for about an hour. She WAS bloody right. When did I lose all the power and became a lackey for a small child and jumped when she said I should?

Like I said it was tough but she is now my little buddy and 'helps' folding socks and hanging out washing and loading the dishwasher. We play and have fun...............but the time taking to get there was awful but we got there.

I will be posting in ten years time though asking for help with teenage tantrums Smile

jollygreenmama · 08/11/2013 13:18

How old is your Dd Trifle?
Thanks for your support, sometimes it's just good to know that you aren't the only parent having trouble.
Ride the storm my mum says :-)

Bettercallsaul1 · 08/11/2013 13:46

You are speaking total sense, Sinister - for persistent bad behaviour, there have to be consequences that bite! It is quite wrong for parents to put up with being hit or kicked by their children on a regular basis. Not to have any proper penalties leads to a total lack of respect for parents from children and an erosion of self esteem in parents.

When did it become normal for children to treat their parents as punching bags?

poppycock6 · 08/11/2013 14:28

Hi. Thanks so much for your comments and advice Trifle and Jolly. Good to hear people's experiences. Trifle, I know you are right and will have to start bringing in consequences. I'm on tender hooks with her often - especially when she's tired as that's when she's at her most explosive. We battled again last night as she wanted to play with a toy at the dinner table. I did win in the end and she actually ate all her meal but it makes me weary as I'm tired most of the time anyway! I just hate battling with her. Need to toughen up!
Thanks again Thanks

OP posts:
TheSinisterTrifle · 09/11/2013 20:43

Poppy

Stick with it. Like I said it was hell but sometimes when she had a meltdown and I was knackered and stressed and felt like screaming, it was quite a relief to NOT take her out to that party etc. She only got more hyper. It was an enforced quiet time for both us as (as she wasn't speaking to me) but we have got there.
I can't hoik up my judgey pants and say we are both perfect as she and I both have our moments but she DOES understand that I mean my threats and I WILL win against her tantrums.

"Me big, you small, me right, you wrong" Grin She is 4.5.

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