How common is it for 4yos to physically hurt parents/others?

[IsItMeOr]

Just that really. 4.8yo DS is prone to physical aggression when he gets angry. So today I am sporting a rather large bite mark on my arm because he didn't like being put in time out, and the two bruises from the pinches he gave me about a week ago (for the same reason) are not quite healed yet.

It's not something that I hear other parents talking about, and I'm unclear whether this is because it doesn't happen, or because it does happen but nobody mentions it.

What's your experience?

There is no point of using the word naughty if it has been over used and the child has switched off. Using different words doesn't mean the child isn't being told off or made to understand violence is not acceptable. We use cause and effect - how would you like to be hit, ie you would feel sad and upset, and not like it. Use of visual aids - books about respecting others feelings and not hitting. Of course punishments are also in use.

In our case my sons hitting was triggered by getting hit at playgroup (witnessed) - so any confrontation with another kid, he would think he was going to get hit, so got there first. Not acceptable, and has been worked on with him, not showing any aggression now (quick turn around - two weeks). So I have had been both sides of this parenting nightmare.

Hi May09bump. Yeah I've been on both sides too and I know how difficult it is to deal with. 2 weeks is a very impressive turn around time. I agree that the word 'naughty' doesn't necessarily have to be used as long as the child has a good sense that hitting is not acceptable. I think it's an unavoidable part of parenting, especially boys, and I feel that there are those out there who don't deal with it firmly enough.

Yes, I think I did avoid dealing with it for a while in the hope that he would grow out of it which I regret now as it's made it harder where perhaps better habits could have been formed earlier on.

Mog we encourage him to tell the person rather than lashing out. I think anger is demonised as this big negative thing whereas actually it's neutral and can even be positive - "I am upset about something which is out of my control". ie, it's always caused by some situation. Of course sometimes the anger is an overreaction, but really, they're only little. Telling the person what the problem is is a start and it might be that they didn't realise and they can make it better.

Because he only does it with me this works well, because I know that if he's telling me something he's angry/upset about, that's him using his control instead of hitting. So I am able to manage it and even if I don't change my mind (which you can't always or even most of the time!) I can empathise, I can offer an alternative solution/idea, I can reaffirm that, yes, we will play minecraft tomorrow but not right now. And sometimes he still kicks off, but because he's stopped to think then he's more controlled about it.

Jorior, yep I agree about people who don't correct kids behavior.

Sometimes I think its also a shock for the parents involved - we don't hit at home, been quite strict and at the same time loving - so a complete shocker for him to react this way. Also, there maybe a delay in finding what plan to correct works for each child, this might also be seen as non-action.

I did a lot unseen by other parents with the school and at home to sort it out as quick as possible. The parents at the gate might be thinking she did / is doing nothing. Thankfully a few parents saw that we were having a hard time and offered / attended "playdates" which helped everyone. Sometimes very true about a community should raise a child. Will definitely pass that one forward.

A hard situation for everyone, hopefully you will find something that works with your DS IsItMeOr . You are definitely not on your own.

For what it’s worth, I have a copy of the “Parent-Child Game” one of the parenting books recommended by our local children’s hospital and it lists some “normal” age ranges for when children develop particular abilities. The normal age range for “controlling the impulse to hit out when frustrated” is given as “18 months to 10 years”

(Which isn't to say you don't need to keep plugging away at it, just that you might be working on it for a while yet – though hopefully not another 5 years!)

Kleinzeit

Feeling a bit glum tonight, as DS bit another child at school again today, and has been sent to see the deputy head because he's had a certain number of incidents. I'm not sure he really has any concept of what that means, but it's upsetting DH and me that it's come to that.