Totally fed up now with my four yr old's tantrums!!!!

[Pansy2013]

Hi
I'm new on here!
I have a four yr old daughter, she's in reception class at primary school! She's well behaved at school, really quiet and shy actually. Like us teacher has noticed how she doesn't yet play with other children, but plays alongside them! We put it down to her not being one of the extrovert, social kids in her class, she's the most quiet one! Nothing new there, since my husband and I are both of a quiet nature! Thing is, my daughter is the complete opposite at home, and she has regular temper tantrums , which she has been having since birth basically! As a tiny baby she never wanted to lie in her cot or pram, she screamed and screamed if I ever put her down, the only way to stop her crying as a baby was to constantly hold her in my arms! Now she's older her tantrums are worse, and I feel like I wish I could work full time simply to avoid having to pick her up from school! Because, I am finding it impossible not to take her to the local play park after school, which is unavoidable on our short walk home! I wouldn't mind taking her to the park if I thought she'd do as she's told and leave after half an hour or so! My daughter has kept me in the park for two hours before! If i say NO we will not be going to the park today she will have an almighty tantrum, which almost, always results in her wetting herself there and then in the park, or street or wherever we are! I don't think she wets herself on purpose; it's like she gets so overwrought with her tantrum that she simply loses control! She certainly does not wet herself at school, she's brill for using the toilet at school! But then again, she would never have a tantrum at school!
My question is how can I get my daughter home from school without having to spend hours in the park, especially now the winter is approaching? I am quite petite so not physically capable of carrying her home kicking and screaming, which my husband has had to do plenty of times before! I can't cope with my daughter; I feel as if I am often walking on eggshells fearful of her erupting! Walking home from school, seeing the other kids from her class with their parents I've noticed more how different my daughter is to other kids her age. The other kids seem much more advanced than my daughter, in their communication skills, social skills and general behaviour!

Any advice would be much appreciated!
Thank You!!!

Welcome Pansy.

maybe try and break the cycle, for example in the morning before school explain to her that you need to come home straightaway as there will be a treat/activity waiting. Just something small, maybe a new tub of playdough, or she can help make biscuits, whatever she enjoys doing.

Or come a different way home, or a different means (scooter or bus)

Make sure you are consistent when Her behaviour is difficult, no empty threats or giving in.

If she is receptive to stickers, you could combine this with a sticker chart.

If you are really struggling the teacher may be able to advise, ask for a brief meeting with the teacher.

We have quite a strong willed six year old and a timer often works for us. She is allowed to set the timer under supervision, and when it goes off she has to do x, y or z. Useful for getting dressed, doing teeth, putting her ds away, in fact most of the things she would otherwise argue about.

That sounds very hard. Just from reading you OP I would suggest that you might need to regain control. It sounds like you are a bit scared of your DD kicking off and trying to keep her happy, but if she tantrums and it works then she will just keep acting that way with you.

Maybe she is slightly behind in her communication skills and that is also why she resorts to kicking and screaming. Remember tiredness/hunger will also trigger this behaviour.

Can you talk to her afterwards/later and try to establish what she is feeling? Sounds like she is having some strong emotions and does not have the words yet, try speaking with her about her 'frustrations'.

Practically I would try this, say you can have 15 mins playing after school and then we will go home for a snack, if she does not stick to this and has a tantrum when it is time to leave, then the next day no park time at all. If she tantrums the next day, then I would add a consequence such as no TV or similar.

Changing this behaviour won't be easy but it will be worth it.

Good luck!

How was today after school op?

I tried a new trick today; cake baking!! Basically I'd baked the cakes prior to picking her up, and left them in the oven, partially cooked! I told my daughter we had to go home and no park as the cakes might burn. She didn't seem to pay any attention to me, and just sped off ahead on her scooter straight for the park as usual! Some of her school friends were already in the park and began calling her to join them, which didn't help much! Anyway, after calling after her not to go through the park gate she waited for me to catch up. Then I fibbed and said that the cakes could be burning and that I didn't want the kitchen to catch fire. she didn't actually have a tantrum, she did cry though, crying all the way home, more of an upset cry than her usual tantrums! Think she wanted the cakes more than a tantrum. Not sure if the same trick will work tomorrow though! Thanks for your advice; I shall try the timer method, sounds like a good idea. I did talk to her about her crying and how mummy needed to get home to turn the oven off etc, and she just turned and said how her scooter had gone the wrong way, like she was blaming the scooter for taking her to the park gates! Oh what a naughty scooter!

Seems to me like you lied to her about the cakes burning and she lied to you about the scooter wheels turning!
Why can't you just tell her that we are not going to the park tonight, you need to be in charge. By all means soften the blow with a treat at home or set a time limit or set particular days when you will go. - Fridays as a reward for a good week maybe but you need to get in control.

Have you considered giving her a snack immediately she comes out of school? My DD was in need of an immediate food boost as they had lunch very early. She then was more amenable. I do agree with Doitnicely though in being consistent with your requirements regarding her behaviour and take action to improve it. I think she may be quiet at school because maybe her language skills are preventing her from joining in and the school will have a behaviour policy she is adhering to.
I would definitely talk to her teacher to see what he/she might have to say about her language ability and maturity. You also need to regain control so sticking to an agreed strategy is important for you and your husband. Don't spend 2 hours in the park with her. She is getting her own way and this is unreasonable so try and get her to agree, in advance, what would be reasonable and stick to it. Maybe treats if she does as she is told? Good luck.

Yes, definitely give her snacks as soon as I collect her from school! Mostly from food items that are left in her lunch bag - she has a habit of only eating 2 items at lunch time, and always leaves her fruit bag, and crisps! So yes, I do put her tantrums down to exhaustion and hunger, and possibly lack of communication skills. I know I need to be firmer, I know all the answers, it's just putting it into practice that I find impossible! Obviously I do not want to let her spend up to 2 hrs in the park. But how would I go about it? So, I've tried telling her, 15 minutes,and as soon as I say time to go I mean it's time to go, end of! In one ear, out the other, so to speak!!! I've tried taking her scooter and opening the park gate, telling her I'm leaving now, but nope, she just begins stomping her feet, screaming uncontrollably and will 9 times out of 10 wet herself! Even a after wetting herself she'll still insist on staying in the park! Short of dragging her home I can't physically remove her from the park! Anyway, I have started saying a firm NO when we approach the park on our walk home (unfortunately there is no other route to avoid the P word), and has resulted in her crying all the way home every day this week. After having a snack and a bit of TV, she normally calms down. Wish she'd just be a bit more like all the kids who I see leaving school with their parents and walking home with no problems! Yes, I am guilty of telling little white leis in order to get out of tantrum brewing situations, but sometimes it's the only thing that seems to work! Yeah, I know she IS getting her own way A LOT. That I am guilty of. I realise here I have created a spoilt little madam, and it is not her fault! Now I have to set some boundaries, but it's not going to be easy I know!

I don't know whether this will be of any help as DS1 is a bit younger than your daughter - so feel free to ignore!

I do feel for you - DS1 is 3 yrs 9 months: he's a difficult child with massive temper tantrums - even down to the wetting himself bit! Like you, I'm petite and can't carry him for more than a very short distance. (I also have DS2 - aged 6 months - in the buggy!) Also, like you, the school run is a huge trigger point (his big sister is in Yr 1).

I find a wrist strap is really helpful. It's not a complete solution to the problem but I don't go anywhere without it! Ok, I quite often have to chase him round a playpark/down the street/round the school grounds before wrestling him to get it onto his wrist - but once it's on he can't run away again.

I think the wrist strap works for us by demonstrating that I'm in charge and he's not. I can't drag him along the road with it (!) but he's much more likely to walk with me once it's on (screaming and crying, yes, but going where we need to go!).

I don't know whether you might feel your DD is too old for a wrist strap. I think DS1 is, really, but I tell him that the wrist strap is for babies and when he stops acting like a baby I'll take it off.

Anyway, good luck. I know what it feels like to be the one stood there day after day with a kicking screaming child when all the other kids are acting like angels! I wish I had the answer!