5yo ds tantrums destroying family life

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We have 4 dc, ds1 9, ds2 6 and dd/ds3 are twins and just turned 5. Ds3 has for the last year, been getting harder & harder to manage. His daily behaviour includes hitting his siblings, stamping his feet, screaming at the top of this lungs, kicking over stuff, throwing things down the stairs and of course refusing to do what he is asked ; brush teeth, put coat on, come to dinner. Mornings and bedtime are the worst but picking them up from school comes a close 3rd. He not only screamed all the way home in the car, he kicked the back of ds2's seat so hard I thought it was going to break. Ds2 was nearly in tears and I went upstairs for a cry when we got back. I put ds3 in the living room (he can't get out) to calm down 3 times before he finally did. Took 25 minutes by which time I was a nervous wreck. Did the same stomping, screaming, refusing to do anything routine for bedtime. In between, he was sweet & kind & helpful. He clearly has attention difficulties, school have commented on transition but no tantrums there! He had a hearing test in sept because he seemed to have some difficulty sometime. The audiologist said his hearing was ok but he has listening problems. So he can't discriminate very well when there's lots of noise. I don't know whether this is what's causing this behaviour but its a factor I guess.

We also find it really hard to get him to focus on a task. Ds1 has attention problems and is being assessed for ASD so familiar with some of this already and ds1 made everyone's lives miserable for a while too. But we can't seem to find strategies that work for ds3. Punishment makes no difference - loses his tv or presents or animals or pudding, he just carries on. Sticker charts he just ignores, though he does like a sticker on his top. The other dc are starting to say they hate him, Dp & I dread bedtime and much of our family time is just dealing with his tantrums. After 2 years of ds1's behaviour we finally feel like we've got somewhere with him and he's a lot happier. Ds3 was pretty bad over the summer but starting school has made him even worse. Tho he's doing very well, he's bright and interested. I have very bad anxiety at times and I can't cope at the moment. I dread every day.

Life sounds dreadful for you OP. I'm no expert but I'm going to say something really obvious - you need some help and you need to be telling people that - GP, health visitor, school, psychologist, SENCO, parents support groups, charities that offer support to families in your situation, your extended family perhaps.

Hopefully someone more helpful will be along soon.

Sounds like you have your hands full. I have 3 children without attention problems and still really struggle so lots of respect for you.

I agree with above, I'd ask for help from people and health workers, GP etc. I think if your ds is causing so much hurt and upset to everyone not only is it ruining your family life it is probably really miserable for him. Not to sound like the voice of doom but if he can be this uncontrollable at 5 years it needs to be sorted before he gets bigger.

There are behavioural psychologists and lots of child help out there if you push for it hard enough. It's bit saying there is anything wrong with ds but that you are being responsible parent to him and the rest of the dc by getting it checked out and getting help. If it turns out there is reason he may get more help at school or need different tactics from you (although what I have no idea).

I wish you luck and sympathise totally.

Hi OP. My DS2 sounds like yours and I hit a wall last week because the incessant anger, rudeness, disrespect and lack of gratitude got to me and I lost the plot. I'm normally quite patient but that evening I shouted and shouted and spent the evening crying once I had calmed down. Seeing how distressed I was had an effect on him and he's been SO much better since. Afterwards a friend I told said that we give kids a lot of feedback about their boundaries but very little about our own boundaries. You mentioned that you went upstairs to have a cry... While you're waiting for some professional help maybe it'd do him good to see the effect his behaviour is having on you all.

Good luck.

Thank you all. Actually writing it all down has helped. I looked up some stuff about auditory sensory processing last nite, I think the noise is a serious problem for him.

He's been awful for a year, he's made me cry in front of him on many an occasion as has ds1. 4 kids is hard enough without their issues and I just haven't coped for a long time. I do lose my temper, as has dp but if we could understand him more I don't think we would. We had a chat last night and we've moved ds3 to the passenger seat next to me with headphones so he can cope better with the journey. It worked pretty well today. Also sent him to bed extra early! It takes so much patience and perseverance and after a day at work plus 3 other kids to deal with I don't always have it. We went through the system with ds1 (still awaiting diagnosis) and there is little help for dc with ASD traits in this area. We never got ds1 to a psychologist, none on the NHS within 60 miles. CAMHS were worse than useless, and ds1 is a great deal worse than ds3! I am wondering about some help on the auditory processing though, it's hard to tell if its going to affect his reading & writing as time goes on. At present, I'd say he's ahead of his twin sister. But ds1's ASD traits worsened at 6 or 7, and ds3 has become a lot worse in the last year. I'm finding it hard to face up to another or my dc having 'issues' haven't really got to grips with helping ds1 yet. I want to curl in a ball and stay in bed.

Poor all of you, sounds very very hard work and utterly exhausting.

Unfortunately you live nowhere near me, I paid for my youngest to have johanssen therapy privately to sort out her auditory problems - worth absolutely every penny and worked miracles.

I will look that up, thank you random. I know there are therapies that would help my eldest, his sensory issues are quite varied but only if we move to London!

Sending you a big hug.

Aww, thanks Jorior! I'm feeling better