Please slap me for being down about seemingly very unsporty 3.9 year old

[EugenesAxe]

My DS is coming up for four (mid Feb) and I've just got a bit down recently about his lack of ability/enthusiasm for many kinds of sporting activities. I shouldn't because I know children have different strengths and actually in some ways (throwing/ catching, climbing, for example) he's doing well. I'm most worried that I'm going to put him off with my negativity, even though I don't directly say anything, I just think he'll pick up on it when I'm trying to encourage him.

He had a scooter on second birthday and has never taken to it, or really any kind of ride on toy. Third birthday he got a balance bike and again is very uninterested (more because we had to think up gift ideas than because we were hopeful that it would be a huge success). He tries out his scooter a bit more now but it generally consists of him pushing once then stopping because he has not miraculously kept going or reached his destination. I tell him he needs to keep pushing and it will help him to essentially walk faster but he just gives up.

He was very comfortable in the water as a baby and resumed weekly swimming lessons aged around 2.8, but struggled with being on his back and with kicking in general. He went on a daily holiday course recently and he was OK but compared to the other children (one of whom I know has no lessons and has only done two of these holiday courses; same age) he couldn't/wouldn't kick his way across the pool and generally floundered about until the teacher pulled him to the side. Today the new term's swimming classes have come out and he's still in the same class he started in three terms or so ago. I noticed his best friend (a girl, one month his junior) has started with the same company and gone straight into an improver class. I hate people that compare and I'm doing it! I think I've just gone so long saying 'he'll get it eventually/ let him set the pace' that I've just got bored of being patient and had a mega-wobble.

His intellectual development is fine; but he has always been a bit 'if I'm not a natural I won't put the effort in' about all activities. I don't know if in the case of the physical things this is the same kind of laziness or something to worry about. He does have mild glue ear but I know children with the condition that fly along on their scooters, so I'm not sure if that will affect him particularly.

I guess I'd like to hear from people with similar experiences and to be given a talking to about my crapness in being slightly disappointed.

I do sympathise, although I am in the 'he'll find it at his own pace' camp. DD (3.7) would glue herself to her scooter if she could, climbs well and can run for a fair distance - doing a lot better than I did for many years!

Drawing, however, eludes her. She'll happily scribble random circles but has absolutely no interest in colouring inside the lines, let alone making distinct shapes or trying to make something look like something else. Most of her peers can colour in reasonably tidily - or try to; many of them have started doing the circle-on-a-triangle sort of semi-representative drawing, which DD has no interest in trying. As you say, you don't want to compare and try so hard not to, but...

I suspect half of my niggles about it are really from the fact that I love drawing myself. If you're a keen cyclist, for instance, there would be something in the back of your mind that says "I can't wait to go on a bike ride with DC' - it's hard when you see other children the same age starting to join in those activities with their parents, and yours doesn't seem to be interested.

There will come a point when the penny drops for both of them - your DS will find an activity he enjoys, which might or might not be swimming/cycling/scooting; my DD will probably start drawing for more than a second and a fierce scribble at a time.

I run each week but am not wildly sporty. It's more to do with having two toddlers though and favouring music as my time off activity - when they are older I'm going to join a local tennis club. DH cycles as his aerobic activity (besides his commute) and is a good golfer.

my ds1 was like this. he is now 14 and still doesnt like sport at all. he can swim.but he is not naturally sporty at all and as he has shot up in height he is rather uncordinated and clumsy. but he is very bright, top sets for everything at school, predicted great grades. he has alwaya been an.old man in a childs body and is mr laid back.

my ds2 is mr sporty, crawled at 5mths, walked at 8/9mths and is always on the go.

ds3 similar to ds2 but prefers cycling, rollerskating etc not team sports but is very active.

ds4 is kind of a mix he is very physical but grts massively stroppy if he cant do something fitst go and got very upset at sports day when he didnt 'win'. he is five and scooters but cant ride a bike yet, he could if he practised but he gets frustrated and gives up. it cam be annoying actually. but they are only little.

i would encourage him, do activities he enjoys and not worry too much!

He is still very little. Both of my boys seemed massively uncoordinated when they were younger, and have improved loads with age.

DS1 is 10 and now mountain bikes and swims with a club. He als odid tae kwon do to quite a high level for a while.

DS2 is 6 and learnt to ride his bike in the summer when he was 5.9. Before that he had no interest, and was uncaring about it. A month after he started riding his bike he was doing 10 mile bike rides.

He was also usless with his scooter when 4, and now scoots along really well, including crouching down while scooting.

Both of my boys at a young age have had the lowest marks on school reports for PE. DS2 still does.

They both also took a while to 'get' swimming.

It comes at a later age for some children. Or he may just not be very sporty at all. But I think he is likely to improve.

I'm sorry but he is only 3 and you're really looking at this in an unnecessarily negative way. At this age who cares if he's making progress? It should be about whether he's enjoying himself and whether you are enjoying things as a family.

My DS is only 3 and can't really swim properly or ride a bike yet. But he's happy and healthy so who cares? He will one day. Or maybe not. I've been a rubbish swimmer my whole life, I can't think of a single way in which that's had a negative impact.

You have to nip this in the bud now or else you will just be torturing yourself forever when he starts school and doesn't read as well as others or his grades aren't perfect in everything or whatever else happens.

My personal despair was children who were incredibly unmusical.

My 12 year old is still incredibly unmusical.

Her nine year old sister has suddenly become really rather good at two instruments. But I'm really glad I learned to chill out around DD1, and enjoy DD2's musical stuff for what it is.

I would like to say that I only worry about it simply because I see many other children managing it - I don't have some internal expectation that he should be able to do it by such an age, even after having this much exposure (although that's more the swimming; I don't force him to scoot every moment - indeed I've pushed him hardly at all for fear of turning him off; just taken it when we've been a in a park with smooth paths etc).

Like I say, generally I hate comparing, I have just had all these other children in my face acting as benchmarks, and it's why I've begun to bother a bit about it. Having said that, there will be a whole swathe of children I don't see because they dislike it so much they don't want to be there. He has made some improvement, it's just been very small and it seems weird for something he says he enjoys ('Hooray! Are with going swimming?' etc.) for him to be behind children that have had so much less exposure. That's all.

Just relax and focus on the stuff he does enjoy doing. It is important to exercise so take him out to parks and take a ball along and play games with him. My son wasn't sporty at that age but at 9 rides his bike on 12 mile trips, rides his scooter all over the place, swims well and has joined a football team so things do change.

I still don't understand - you say he isn't inactive, he's just not 'sporty'. What exactly do you mean by that? Do children this age do sports (to me sports something organised, if you like, with rules)? Or do they just round around the playground? Do you mean he's not playing football or something? All I can see is that he's gone off swimming and doesn't scoot.

I can totally relate to you. I am desperate (probably in a bad way) for my kids to be sporty as I am not - ha! Luckily DH is quite sporty so they probably got a slight advantage in the gene pool....

I have 3 DC (oldest 8 and youngest a baby) and with my oldest I remember feeling how you are feeling so many times and just trying to ignore it! I spent loads of time taking my oldest DD to swimming lessons, soft play, encouraging outdoor activity, etc and sometimes felt it was pointless - as she was slow in progressing with things - she didn't ride a bike without stabilisers until she was 5, didn't swim unaided until she was nearly 5, etc. Like you I watched her peers striving ahead. However I am pleased to say my efforts are now really shown to have paid off. She is not the most sporty child in the world (i.e. sports day and the running races were not her strength put it that way), but she is a superstar swimmer and enjoys riding her bike, doing outdoor activity of all kinds and has been asked to try out for a synchronised swimming performance team.

So my view would be that it is about persistence. My DC2 is coming along really nicely and rode a bike without stabilisers at age 3, is swimming unaided really well at just 5 etc etc (but I almost didn't clock the age as I had become more laid back from seeing that DC1 had caught it up in her own time).

Therefore I will carry on my strategy with all 3 children and believe that exposure and persistence (on my part - in developing their enthusiasm) will pay off eventually!

My DD (oldest) is also an "if I'm not a natural..." and I do think that by almost forcing the issue with sport and encouraging that week in week out persistence even when she was struggling has helped her develop more motivation and determination.

On a slight side note - if he has been in the same class for a number of terms I would ask if they can focus on what he needs to do to get up to the next level. I did that once with DD (I think she was at the same level for 3 terms) and they told her what she needed to do and they helped support her to do it - sometimes I think the teachers need a little push. I hasten to add I've only done that once in her 8 years of lessons!

MrsOakenshield - I mean coordinated I suppose. I don't consider walking to be a sport for example, it's a healthy activity that we enjoy as a family. He can climb deep/high scramble nets, which I would class as a physical skill, so he's not altogether uncoordinated.

I mean being able to work out how to kick one leg up and down alternately (swimming) or push each foot against a pedal alternately (trikes) or push a foot along the floor in order to propel oneself forwards (scooting). He hasn't picked up the mechanism to do these things.

And he hasn't gone off swimming! He loves it! He just seemingly has made very little progress in almost a year's worth of lessons. That's what I'm wondering - am I being unfair and it's still a case of take his time, nothing to worry about, or could it be something else that I need to address? He's very logical about many things, jigsaws and stuff, so I'm just wondering why he hasn't applied that same logic to physical activities like these.

Anyway I'm going to come back later to the thread; thanks to all that have responded with their stories.

But I don't think that's weird at all. Some people are just naturally better at some things than others. There isn't always a direct correlation between enjoyment and ability.

It's great that he loves swimming! Still possible he might never be very good at it and that's fine, isn't it? He might prove to be naturally gifted at something else that other kids struggle at. Keep looking at the big picture.

When I was young I excelled in math with no effort, but I thought it was boring and never really pursued it. I loved dancing and dreamed of being a ballerina, but no matter how hard I tried I was never very good. I think that's pretty common.

If you find yourself getting wound up by other kids then maybe skip the organised classes and just take him on your own?

I think he's still very little. I remember was I was that age I was not interested at all in sports or any structured physical activity.My brothers were good at everything and I was very clumsy and had no stamina and to be truthful I didn't want to try something I knew I would be awful at! But I when I was 7 or 8 my brothers took me to their judo club and that was great. 35 years later I still practice martial arts. Sometimes you just have to relax and let the kids find their own thing.

Some kids just are not sporty. I have one who is very sporty and the other - a son- who is not interested at all. He wouldn't even want to kick a football around in the garden.
Each has their strengths and talents in different areas and i couldn't be prouder of both of them.
What does it matter if a child isn't sporty? I never gave it much though before
OP - are you sporty?

I think it is very important to accept your children for who they are. Give them opportunities and obviously encourage a healthy active lifestyle but you may have to acccept that your son may not enjoy sport in the way you hope, or may not have the co-ordination to be good at it.

My son, a keen armchair sportsman but hopeless on a practical level went through a phase of feeling that he was a disappointment to his sporty father. It wasnt so, but I am sad that he felt that way.

Yeah you're right Artus and no it doesn't matter. I don't really know why these thoughts have crept in... probably a combination of things. It might be quite deep really.

I was thinking that with other things he's not been 'ready' for I've always found that leaving them and checking in again later has suddenly revealed a readiness. For example, having an interest in letters, using a pen and stuff. Perhaps I was just expecting that lightbulb moment with these things to have come along by now. But you are all right; there's no worry that it hasn't.

He's only three- give him a chance. My DS didn't start school or attempt to write until he was 6 years old. He's now on the gifted and talented register.

Why does it matter so much to you? If he's not bothered, why are you? As Artus says, it's about accepting your child for who they are, not who you would like them to be. No matter how much you think you hide it, he will pick up on it unless you address your expectations of him.

On a practical note, my DS ain't sporty in the slightest, but aged 6 has all of a sudden joined football club. And is quite good, or at least enjoys it.

Give your DS time. He may get into sport, he may not. I mean this kindly: you need to work out what's going on for you - as it doesn't seem (to me, as a stranger on t'internet) that this is your problem rather than his.