Am I potentially damaging my toddler DS by ignoring him?

[abigboydidit]

DS is a typical toddler and has regular tantrums. He doesn't do the typical tantrum of throwing himself on the floor but instead will just wail/scream in what can only be described as a very theatrical fake cry and at times shout "I want a cuddle!!!". A typical example was this morning when he wanted the TV on at breakfast. I said no and reminded him that we don't watch TV while we are eating. He immediately started screaming so I just walked away and carried on putting the breakfast things. He started wailing more loudly and protesting and then demanding a cuddle. I continued to ignore him. After a couple of minutes he started to quieten and I offered him a cuddle & gave him his breakfast.

However.. My cousin was staying over and she was horrified. She said she couldn't imagine being so cruel as to ignore a crying child and that by refusing his requests for cuddles I was bordering on emotional abuse. I explained that he wasn't really crying as such and that the wails were expression of anger. We never did controlled crying or anything when he was a baby as I could never bear to hear him cry. But.. My own childhood was fairly traumatic and I need to be honest that I don't have my own experiences of positive parenting to fall back on and instead am just guided by my own instincts.

So - am I wrong to ignore tantrums?

Sounds like you did fine to me...

Your cousin has no children, right?

You did exactly what I would do. And most other parents.

On the odd occasion I have been manipulated enough to interact, the tantrum has lasted much longer and had an adverse effect on behaviour for the rest of the day.

Unless she has perfectly behaved children, smile, nod and ignore.

Thank you. Yes she has no children. And the fact I described her as a cousin and not a friend was deliberate..though I didn't want to cloud your judgement! She knows about my childhood and refuses to believe I can have survived without being damaged somehow. And I don't mean that in a kind, concerned way

Take no notice of her, you did exactly what I do with my 2 1/2 year old DS.

I would cuddle. They can't regulate emotions at that age. I wouldn't give into whatever demand it was (tv/etc) but I would definitely hold and cuddle. I try not to ignore them as I would rather they learnt to contain their emotions safely, and its horrible to be ignored when you are upset (even if the upset is at not watching tv!)

We all do things differently though.

No you did the right thing.. that's the perfect way to handle a tantrum.

Ignore your cousin

I do the same - there's a world of difference between crying and protesting. One difference being the dramatic sound of protest!

Pander and it will increase as it clearly works, ignore and distract, best of all use distraction to avoid if possible, and it should pass (I hope!).

www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/bothersome-behaviors/temper-tantrums/taming-toddler-tantrums

Is a good article I think. It suggests leaving if they are trying to manipulate you - but also talks about frustration-tantrums and helping the child deal with them.

It may take more time but if it helps them overcome it, it will mean less in the future. It's worked with ours. But of course every family is different etc.

Thanks everyone. I do often cuddle but have learned when cuddling escalates things and when it can diffuse the tantrum. I just worry..

You did exactly the right thing. Its amazing how quickly toddlers can calm down when they get zero attention for kicking off.

Wait till your cousin has a child. She'll understand then!!

Sounds just like my ds! I have however decided to never refuse a request for a cuddle. (50 million times a day!)

When he gets out of control he needs me to be his "anchor". I sit by him while he throws himself around, I don't shush him, or try to calm him down. I figure there's some rage in him that needs a release.

It certainly doesn't make the tantrums happen less often, but this is how we deal with it.

But basically, its up to you, the way you parent your boy through these times. It's hard, you try your best, if you're unsure, try a different method next time.

I tried all the mainstream stuff that is suggested for tantrums when ds1 was a toddler, ignoring, naughty step and the like. He was so distressed by it, I used to cuddle him afterwards and let him nurse to calm down.

Then I decided to cut out all the middle stuff (the punishments) and nurse him straight away if he was tantrumming. It worked every time, like a reset button. But he still didn't get whatever it was he was tantrumming over.

I know that not everyone nurses their toddler, but something equivalent (a cuddle) might do the trick. I find it hard to understand how anyone can ignore such distress in a small child.

That's fine. I often just explain that I can't understand when screaming/ crying but if they stop and talk I can listen.

sounds fine to me. When children are tantrumming they have lost control and I think until they manage to calm down a bit, it's a bit pointless trying to interact. You were there in the room with him, so not abandoning him, getting on with things in a calm manner, and once he had calmed himself down you cuddled him.

10/10, I'd say!

mawbroon - tbh, I don't understand how anyone can punish a child for having a tantrum!

A tantrum to me isn't acceptable, hence I wouldn't promote it with something nice like a cuddle/ story/ nursing whilst tantrum happens. Same as I don't bribe.

I ignore tantrum like you as it's not wanted behaviour. Like I said once they have finished I will sit and explain why xyz happened and will then cuddle as stopped and suggest something nice to do together. They get praised all the time with nice behaviour

We have only ever has a few weeks of odd tantrums like this with each child as they have understood from a young age that it doesn't work. There is rarely anything they can't have here, so if they ask for it they generally get it, if they can't we explain why. They know that screaming never gets anything and that the quicker they tell us the quicker they can get/ do what they wanted.

Obviously this is for tantrums, not if they are screaming for another reason where we would obv cuddle straight away

Sounds like what I've always done with mine and they're fine (eldest is 5). I've actually noticed that they seem to have less tantrums than many of their friends, especially when we're out.

My 5yo, and 3yo have only had one tantrum in a shop as the first time they did it, I walked away round the corner (I could still see them but they couldn't see me). They ran after me and had a cuddle when they were calm again.

DS2 is 4 and hasn't had a tantrum in a shop, he remembers what happened to DD1 and that it got her nowhere.

They don't really have them at home much now they're older as I've always ignored it or told them to come and talk to me when they're calm and I've carried on with whatever.

If a toddler is tantruming because they want something they can't have the one important principle is that their behaviour doesn't change your decision.

If you allow your behaviour to be affected by their tantrum they will learnt to use tantrums to get what they want and your life will be a nightmare.

If you stand firm the tantrums will not develop beyond protests and expressions of emotion. They will grow out of them which is good for all concerned.

You clearly get this bit and aren't giving in to your son's demands which is perfect.

The next challenge is how to respond to the tantrum in other ways and your deep knowledge of him as his parent will guide you.

Giving him a cuddle when he's upset or angry isn't pandering to him or encouraging the tantrums because you aren't giving him the thing he's tantruming about, on this occasion the TV.

Even when he knows for sure that he won't get he wants by kicking off he still has to learn to manage his emotions. You can help him to develop those skills be offering physical comfort when you feel his is ready to calm down but needs a bit of help. That's when it's appropriate to cuddle him if he wants it.

If you think a cuddle will help him to feel calmer and end the tantrum you are doing the right thing by giving him one. If, however, the cuddle would just giving him something to rail against, a calm presence without physical contact would probably be better.

You're reflecting carefully on your parenting and it sounds like you're getting the balance right. What you need to do is think through why you're making the decisions you are making and what you feel they will help you to achieve and then you'll be in a better position to explain your actions to others not that you should feel oblige to explain your parenting decisions to anyone ever.

I would hate it if my DH or anyone else I loved ignored me when I was upset or angry. Therefore, we never ignore our DS when he has a tantrum.

We don't give in to his demands either, rather, we explain why he can't do or have whatever it is he wants, and we hold him until he is calm.

Thanks again everyone for replying. The strange thing is that if you try to cuddle him when he's demanded one he totally hits the roof and starts pushing and shouting "no cuddle! Want X (whatever started the tantrum)" but other times he just says "cuddle mummy" and I know that those times he does need a cuddle and that calms him right down. Why don't they come with a manual

just reading through this thread.. I think ignoring is ok, and I do it.... but, if I am going to ignore one of mine, I stay calm, warn them and tell them I am going to ignore them and the reasons why. I don't have tantrums any more.

The situation you described at the beginning of this thread is not going to emotionally damage your child if you explain 'why' you are taking the course of action you are taking. It sounds to me like you are balanced in your parenting and emotionally warm to you little one.

Why don't they come with a manual

I fantasise about being able to plug them into an electronic device that detects and reads out all the faults like you can with car engines!

You clearly know the best way to help your DS calm down and when is not a good time to give him a cuddle.

Stick to what you're doing. When he starts to calm down you can point that out for him so he learns to recognise it for himself and see it as a positive step. Don't try to communicate or explain while he screaming. Children in that heightened state can rarely process language so you'd probably just make matters worse.

Just carry on staying close, remaining calm and being available when he has reached the stage when he can accept help to calm down and then give him lots of cuddles. Later on you could recall the event with him and explain his emotions and the reasons behind your responses to him so he knows that you will always be ready to give him a cuddle when he's calm enough to accept one.

Considering that you don't have a good role model from your own childhood to base your parenting on, I think you're doing an amazing job. You just need to keep reminding yourself of that and don't let others shake your self belief

Does your cousin have children? From her reaction, I guess not as, yes, it does look cruel but she hasn't been regularly exposed to this and doesn't realise that it is what your DC does and that you are trying to turn him into a nice person rather than one who jumps up & down & stamps his feet. I bet if it had been someone who had children and who could remember how tiresome the toddler years could be, they would have said something along the lines of "it's tough when they're behaving like that, isn't it" or some,thing else to show their support.

I'm so glad you raised this issue..DS has similar tantrums - screaming for an absolute age if he just thinks my tone implies the answer might be no! I have also had a rocky upbringing and struggle to know what's normal, but I do know that ignoring is preferable to the screaming back (with words but still unacceptable) that I was doing a few months back (suffering stress anxiety and PTSD) - that Dr Sears article was an eye opener, I DO know the difference between those different types of tantrums and I give help and cuddles to the frustration ones and calmly carry on with the manipulation ones without being too cold, it's so hard though because we too never left him to cry but this is different to a baby crying, it's often a loss of control but also it's often (in our house at least) a wahhhhh I want it and maybe if I protest enough you'll change your mind!! - I never have but the message hasn't quite got through yet! I think shutting a tantrumming child away or being nasty to them is not acceptable but saying calmly 'I will talk to you when you're ready to use a polite voice' is just fine, although DS is particularly emotional and often needs help to calm down (probably as much as he refuses it and wants to carry on screaming but I try at least) - if we are out I simply stand by him and say 'we'll go when you've finished', it seems to work. I think you can trust your instincts to a certain extent but there's some very good advice here too which I will be considering