Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

7 yo ds not being invited to parties

15 replies

flower68 · 01/11/2013 20:04

DS is funny and apparently hugely popular with his classmates but he seems to be being invited to fewer and fewer parties. We had a big football party for 15 of his classmates in July but no-one so far has reciprocated. I know that some mums simply had smaller parties (we did ours very cheaply in the local park) but he has definitely just not been invited to at least one bigger party despite inviting child in question to his. He is very short for his age so I don't know if he is being literally overlooked. I hope if there is an issue with his behaviour some of the mums (who are apparently my friends) would have been straight up with me. It is starting to impact on his confidence and I am starting to feel annoyed with the mums in question. One of the mums mentioned her child's party to me ages in advance and then "forgot" to send an invite so my son missed it. How I am supposed to explain that to him? How would some of these mums feel if it was their son being left out? I know I can't make anyone invite him, and it would be really uncool to push the issue but it feels really unfair. He's 7!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

lljkk · 01/11/2013 20:24

I feel your pain (& your son's) but can tell you now that you'll have to get over it.

DziezkoDisco · 01/11/2013 20:37

Lljkk is right, its horrible but you and he have to accept that he won't be invited to many parties, esp as the older they get the less people they invite.

Be realistic, he needs a few decent friends not to be popular.

Let him know its okay tp be a bit sad not to be invited but he didnt invite everybody in his class to his and not everyone will invites him to theirs.

DeWe · 01/11/2013 22:08

At 7yo ime that is when parties go from being 10-15 people to 1-4.
So on average they're invited to about 1/4 or less of the parties they used to be.
If they have one best friend this can easily reduce to just one, whereas if they play with a lot, they may be invited to a few more.

BoundandRebound · 01/11/2013 22:11

Are you friends with the parents or on their radar - unfortunately at that age in many cases it's who the parents consider rather than the kids

It's not fair or nice but it's often the way it works

SatinSandals · 01/11/2013 22:11

Agree with DeWe.

BatterseaGirl · 01/11/2013 22:11

It's only an issue for your DS if you make it one. IMO it's always the Mums that get upset about non invites and the kids don't really notice (unless it's pointed out to them!).

SatinSandals · 01/11/2013 22:13

I would say it was the opposite. When they are little it is who the parents know, once they get to 7 yrs it is up to the child. If they have 2 close friends they are likely to get 2 parties.

SavoyCabbage · 01/11/2013 22:17

Parties definitely get smaller. My dd just had her seventh birthday and she had four friends whereas last year she had about fifteen.

Glenshee · 01/11/2013 22:36

If your son has a busy life, and has a couple of good friends, this shouldn't matter all that much. There can be many reasons why it is what it is, but the important thing is - does it matter? What makes you think it's a big deal? Is your son upset about it or is this about your feelings?

Notmorelego · 01/11/2013 23:02

I could have written your post myself. My ds is apparently v popular (and quiet) but rarely gets invited to parties. He gets left out of all the big parties. Last year there was one for his entire year group and his invite apparently got lost (he was the only child who didn't get invited - although the teacher did confirm she found an invite on the floor).
This year already there have been three large parties he has been "overlooked" for. One mum even gave the invites out in front of me. I have asked a close friend for an honest opinion as to what's wrong with him and she says nothing.
I know I should just let it go, I know it's not that important - but I totally know how you feel. I think it is the mums that get most upset about it (and seeing all the photos on Facebook never helps). Fortunately, ds doesn't seem to mind and that what I need to remember.

LittleSiouxieSue · 01/11/2013 23:48

My DD was not invited to parties despite having lots of children to hers. I used to wait outside school and other Mums would say "see you at the party on Saturday". Obviously I would say they would not as DD was not invited. Yes, DD did notice. When she was 9 about 20 of her friends were invited to a large party. 2 days before the party, she came home from school and said she had been invited as the girl whose birthday it was had said she could come. She was very excited and wanted to go out immediately and buy a present as the girl had said what she wanted. I decided I had better check out this late invitation as there was nothing in writing. When I phoned the Mum, who I had spoken to on many occasions, she was distant with me and said DD could come if she wanted to. However, she covered the phone up and I heard her say to her DD "We agreed who was coming to your party. How dare you say DD can come to your party, you know I only have 20 party bags". I put the phone down and explained to my DD that her friend had made a mistake and I hastily arranged a treat for my DD to take her mind off it. However DD had to go back into school and it was hard for her to know she wasn't wanted although I didn't share the details of the phone call with her. Yes, lots of children do not get to all the parties but that child had been here on several occasions and she was the last in a long line, over several years, who did not reciprocate and it sucks when you are continually on the non receiving end, as it were.

DH, and I decided enough was enough and we started to investigate boarding school with DDs complete agreement, where, I am pleased to say, she was not left out by people she believed to be friends. I felt I had no option but to extract myself from this group of parents because of this episode and never spoke to them again. Not worth the effort.
I would suggest that you have small parties in future and make them very special. The few lovely children who had invited my DD to their parties shared, I hope, some great birthday celebrations with us and I was pleased a few of them were decent. Just invite the few and give them a real good time as you can spend more on a smaller number. It is a shame that rejection by friends has to be learnt so early in their lives.

BatterseaGirl · 02/11/2013 07:51

You sent her to boarding school because she wasn't invited to parties? Wow!

Jinty64 · 02/11/2013 07:58

Ds3 had a "whole class" party at soft play for his birthday last year. It was what he wanted to do. Prior to that he had been invited to quite a few bigger parties. All but 4 invited children replied and came (and I could have named the ones that would't before I sent out the invites).

Ds has only been invited to one party since. Ds is quiet and well behaved and generally well liked but the parties have moved to being 4 children to the cinema or 6 children to rollerbowl and he is just not one of the chosen. I have been a wee bit miffed when a couple of boys he is quite friendly with (and whose parents i have known for a while) didn't invite him but ds is not really bothered.

The same thing happened with ds's 1&2 but now, a good few years down the line, I can't remember the details so it clearly hasn't been life changing. If I were you I would play it down to Ds. Tell him that not everyone can be invited to every party and that when it's his turn he can choose what he wants to do and who he will invite. If you only invited 15 to your football party some children will have been 'left out' and their parents may have felt like you do.

mummytime · 02/11/2013 08:04

BatterseaGirl - sorry, but when my DD wasn't invited to one party in year 2, I didn't mention anything or react in any way (I just noticed as the year went on). When it came to DD's birthday towards the end of the year, she mentioned that no one had asked her to their parties. Children do notice.

(Similarily when my son was one of about 3 boys in his year not to be invited to a party, he asked both me and the mother of the boy why he wasn't invited).

I have to say I didn't send either of my children to boarding school as a result. DD does have some social issues, but in DS's case I still feel some resentment towards the mother (isolating 3 boys out of 33, because she needed a nice neat cut off at 30).

lljkk · 02/11/2013 14:16

oh well, DS is supposed to be at a party today. He got 400m down the road & turned home. The birthday boy said DS only invited because Birthday mum insisted (all the class party). So DS knows he's not really wanted & can't face going. :(

Don't mean to hijack, but count your blessings OP if you haven't actually had that message yet.

Flip