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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Trying to discipline an 18 month old - am I wasting my time?

31 replies

Playitagainsam · 28/10/2013 21:47

My DD is 18 months and generally is a pretty chilled out little girl (so far!). Quite sensitive and aware of what's going on around her. I rarely have to tell her off but for one thing - she always throws food from her highchair. She's always been quite a fussy eater and for as long as I can remember she's been chucking bits of food or her drinks on the floor. At first I tried ignoring it, she carried on. Then I tried telling her no with a stern face/firm voice and it's made no difference. If anything she seems to enjoy it a bit more! I am guessing this is pretty standard toddler behaviour, and I entirely know that in the grand scheme of things this is not a big problem. But it drives me round the bend!
So my question is, am I completely wasting my time even trying to stop her? Do they have any comprehension of discipline at this age, or do they basically not give a stuff?
Would welcome any advice from more experienced parents and apologies for the trivial nature of the post!

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slightlygoostained · 28/10/2013 21:51

No idea, but as DS is also a great chucker of food, watching with interest. Sometimes it's because he's done now, no more of that thanks. Sometimes he's clearly not done but just can't resist...

fairylightsintheautumn · 28/10/2013 21:53

oh god I remember DS did that for months. I think they are too young for "discipline" as such but I don't think its a bad thing to say "no" firmly and perhaps not return the thrown item straight away. I think they need to be 2ish before they really associate behaviour with ANY kind of consequences.

EugenesAxe · 28/10/2013 21:56

I agree with fairylights - and I would add that at that age distraction and lack of reaction is the best combination for limiting the number of events.

MissOtisRegretsMadam · 28/10/2013 21:57

Try to ignore it.
Like spinning its a natural impulse in young children that they need to get out of their system. It is also linked to development try researching trajectorary schemas... I'm not saying your dd has this schema but it will at least make the drive you round the bend stuff seems intellectual! (grin).

TwattyBojangles · 28/10/2013 21:58

I would agree with above posters that 'discipline' won't really work, at 18 months toddlers are probably too young to understand it. I don't think there's anything wrong with setting standards though, and steering away from behaviour that you will not appreciate in a year.

MissOtisRegretsMadam · 28/10/2013 21:59

I have a 22 month old who spins around every evening and throws and posts everything... I try convince myself it's the early work of a genius!

TwattyBojangles · 28/10/2013 22:00

By steering away I mean distraction, not giving attention to 'bad' behaviour etc

Gintonic · 28/10/2013 22:02

Not wasting your time at all - my DS is 16 months and knows exactly what he is and is not allowed to do. It doesn't always stop him doing it - today he was pressing all the buttons on the washing machine whilst shouting "no"!

I try to be positive, so instead of saying just "don't throw" I say "if you don't want it put it by your plate"

Vijac · 28/10/2013 22:04

I'm not am expert so could be wrong but I think it is worth telling her that food is not for throwing because it makes a mess and has to be cleaned up. That food is for eating. Then if she does it again, take the food away for a minute or end the meal. You can always give another meal later. Throwing food may be a sign that she is full.

slightlygoostained · 28/10/2013 22:05

Actually one thing that sometimes helps is just sitting quite close and putting my hand out when his arm goes back. Sometimes he will then slap whatever it is into my hand instead of on the floor. (Or he'll try to shove it into my mouth. )

Not very practical though!

Poppins27 · 28/10/2013 22:07

I have just read this and think I'm the meanest Mum going now. My Dd has been disciplined since about 18 months old, and is now coming up for 20 months.

She has always been a food thrower, which I'm actually happy to ignore in her high chair. But her trick now is to empty her beaker of milk/water all over my sofa or floors. She has a naughty chair that she has to sit on for 1 minute at a time. At first I thought I was wasting my time until I once said 'that's naughty Dd' to which she responded by taking herself off to the chair for the minute!! I had actually not even intended to mention the time out on this occasion but it definitely made me realise she could understand what was happening.

I'm not saying it has improved her behaviour necessarily but I always end the time out with a hug, tell her what was naught and just think 'start as you meant to go on'.

Original poster

Playitagainsam · 28/10/2013 22:07

Gah!! So I should have stuck with ignoring it all along! I don't think it helps that I am not very tolerant of it at all. So ignoring it doesn't come naturally to me!
Thanks for the responses and MissOtis, I will google that and try to find some kind of positive spin on it! If it means convincing myself that she is a child genius then so be it!

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marriedinwhiteisback · 28/10/2013 22:12

Mine are nearly grown up but I think it's just a phase they go through tbh. I have a feeling it was better with no 2 because she went in the booster seat on the kitchen chair much earlier.

I think the answer is to put newspaper under the high chair and don't them them see it bothers you. They really don't carry on doing it until they are 18.

MissOtisRegretsMadam · 28/10/2013 22:14

Spinning is linked to writing apparently... My ds may frighten me to death looking out the corner of his eye manically whilst spinning frantically but he will have beautiful handwriting...

Original poster

Playitagainsam · 28/10/2013 22:16

Oh I posted before seeing other responses. I am trying to give her boundaries and generally she's really good, I just can't figure out why she pushes this so much.
Whatever I'm doing is obviously not working as all that happened today when I tried to stop her is that she carried on whilst smiling and saying 'no!' whilst I got really irritated that she was totally ignoring me. I got her out of the chair after the third time and she just wandered off to play, so I totally see that she is not understanding consequences.
I just have visions of her still doing this in a year's time!

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capecath · 28/10/2013 22:20

Well not so much discipline rather than training them to do the right thing... Throwing food from highchair was one of the first things we were able to train both our boys out of around 12 months. We told them "no" firmly when they did it and they didn't get it back (it was usually when they'd had enough anyway). Then we'd get them to hand the food to us instead (this is currently where DS2 is at, 14 months). Soon DS1 started handing to us and saying "bin". I think key is that they know once they've lobbed it over the side, they don't get it back, and personally I think this is cue end of meal!

Original poster

Playitagainsam · 28/10/2013 22:22

Out of interest, what would your thoughts be if the 'bad' behaviour was something that was harder to deal with - a friend's daughter of the same age has just started scratching faces - adults and other children. She tries to tell her no but her dd just laughs and runs off. Should the theory be the same in that situation, that not giving attention to bad behaviour means its less likely to happen? Or should it be different depending on the 'severity' of the behaviour you want to avoid?

OP posts:

TwattyBojangles · 28/10/2013 22:47

Play If the behaviour is causing harm to another child then it definitely can't be ignored. I would say remove if you can see that it is about to happen and, if age appropriate, discuss sternly. I might be wrong though.

NorthEasterlyGale · 29/10/2013 07:05

Our 16 months old DS is a champion food chucker. Drives me and DH absolutely nuts and my lounge carpet looks like it belongs in a cheap diner, it's got so much food ground into it (despite a plastic sheet under the highchair and regular cleaning!).

Our plan of attack so far, and we seem to be making some progress, has been as follows:

initially ignore. Didn't really achieve anything.
try saying 'no'. Didn't really achieve anything either!
remove food / remove DS from highchair when he gets bored. Works if I'm on the ball!
if he looks like he's picking something up to throw, ask him to 'leave it on the tray please'. Some success - seems to make him think.
if he picks something up and the arm hovers over the side of the tray, I offer to take whatever it is off him or offer a plate for him to put it on. Also some success with this.
sometimes have breakfast or lunch at a little table and chair I got for him instead of in the highchair - most successful so far as no chucking at all when we do this. However, he doesn't eat as much as he gets distracted and wanders off so requires more top-up snacks later!
if he's really overtired I just let it go as I know it's 'cause he's short on self-control 'cause he's little and tired. Life's too short!

Things do seem to have improved over the last week or so when we've been working on the last four points - have of course cursed myself by saying that and will probably have spaghetti up the walls by the end of today

Good luck!

bronya · 29/10/2013 07:09

We've had this - my DS is 14 months. I've always taken the rule that if he's throwing food for the dog, then he's not hungry any more, so I say 'no' and take the rest away as soon as he does it. If he cries hysterically for more, I give it back, but hold the bowl/plate, and if it happens again then it's gone for good. I also had to stop the dog sitting right next to the highchair. We always lose one bit but he does only do it now when he's had enough.

MiaowTheCat · 29/10/2013 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slightlygoostained · 29/10/2013 14:25

The most frustrating one is when DS nicks some lovely bit of food off MY plate, has one bite and then tosses it away.

rrreow · 29/10/2013 14:31

Can you try and ask her what you'd like her to do?

If you see she's going to chuck something, say "If you're done with that, put it on your tray/in your bowl/on your plate".

Just be consistent, don't react when she doesn't listen (if she chucks something, don't pick it up straightaway, or it will become a game). DS did this at that age and he's just slowly grown out of it. If he does things at mealtimes that are not acceptable (spitting out food/drink, chucking something) I operate a two strikes and you're out policy. I take whatever it is away from him and tell him it's for eating/drinking not for spitting out. He'll invariably want it back, I give it back with a warning, if he does it again then he doesn't get it back at all. He's 2.5 now and being consistent helps him know what to expect and also helps him see the consequences of his own actions.

woodlandwanderwoman · 29/10/2013 14:37

I think 18mo is old enough to understand association and sequences... If not consequences exactly (although this isn't an a post about the difference).

For example... My DS is 18mo and knows if he throws his food on the floor, I take everything away. So now if he doesn't like his food / is full and I haven't heard "Done!" he will throw pieces on the floor to signal to me he is finished. He gets one warning first and totally understands. I am a SAHM and so much of my time is already spent preparing, cooking, feeding, cleaning up, washing up.. That if I had to pick up food as well I think It would push me over the edge!

Same with the bath - if DS stands up, I take him out so now he only stands up when he wants to get out.

Toddlers love sequences so by teaching them that eg you take their food away if they throw it on the floor they should only throw it when they are finished.

nb... I don't starve my DS but he did have to wait before I gave him his food back when he was learning this. He is also an absolute joy to take out to restaurants etc because he behaves the same way there as he does at home.

pileoflaundry · 29/10/2013 16:00

I think that throwing food can be entertaining in itself (different splat noises, can the potato be thrown as far as the beans, what colour can I dye the carpet today), so can see why ignoring might not work.

I agree that the action needs to have a consequence (and not just an annoyed parent), e.g. taking her food away.

Do you let DD choose what she eats, or put it all in front of her? I found that offering things on a plate, and then taking the plate away whilst DD ate her first item of choice, stopped her throwing away the non-favourite items. I also finish all meals with the same phrase. So if DD is making signs that she's finished, including throwing food, I calmly say the phrase and move to pack up. At which point DD will either start eating as fast as possible, or peel up her place mat to help me pack away.

I haven't tried this as my DD is too young to cotton on, but could you keep DD in the high chair whilst you clear up? That way, the more mess there is, the longer the delay before she can play.

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