Son is pointed out as "troublemaker" by other parents :(

[Nena7]

We moved to a new area a year ago, my six year old son started a new school. He is doing well and according to his teacher is always "well beahaved in the class room". In the playground he is part of a group of kids who enjoy "playing it rough" and my boy is a bit "wild" but not worse than anyone else in this group (this is according to the teacher). A few parents have for a while told their children that they are not allowed to play with my son because he "drags them in to trouble". My son is held up as the instigator. These kids have been telling my son "my mum hates you, I am not allowed to go near you" which is quite upsetting and confusing for my son. it is now affecting his whole school experience. The parents are telling other parents how they feel and as a result, more kids are now told to "stay away" from my son. In addition, these kids are now telling other kids to not play with him, affecting his other friendships at school.

We are incredibly upset by this - even if he HAD been the instigator, we feel it's totally inappropriate to go about it this way. If they had an issue with our son's behaviour, they should have talked to us about it! However, since he isn't and it's all unjustified, it makes it even worse! We have no idea where this comes from or why they think that this is the case.

Does anyone have any suggestions what to do or have been in a similar experience?

Straight in to see the teacher...tell him or her WHICH boys have said this and let her know that it is bullying. Your DS is being bullied. It could be these women have picked on him as the newest kid and decided to blame him for the rough play. Either way, let the teacher know it is NOT to be allowed to go on.

Icame - how do you come to the conclusion that this is bullying??
If someone is making trouble then it is only fair that the other parents tell their children not to play with him/her?

I'm asking because the same is happening to my son...

As this is happening at school, you should ask the school to deal with it. I know it's tempting, but it's not a good idea to talk to the parents directly. Do you know for sure that this is coming from the parents and not the children? The school is in a much better position to work out what's really going on and sort it out.
However, if it turns out that it really is a witch hunt by the other parents, I would seriously consider moving schools again.

Tostaky, agree, if someone causes trouble they should be told (although I don't agree with doing it through the children) however my son isn't causing any trouble - and this is according to the school, not me! But he is held responsible for it. I guess this is how a blame culture is born - these kids are not taught to be taken responsibility for their own boisterous behaviour, but blame it on someone else...

Icameonthejitney, Mycathasstaff, thank you, yes, agree best to go through the school and really understand what's happened and then consider what to do (. Although, I am 99.9% certain it is the parents however best to be open at this point I guess...) Thanks again!

You just said he likes playing rough and is the 'wild' one. That sounds like causing trouble to me and I can understand why other parents wouldn't want their kids playing with someone who goes wild.
But they have handled it in the wrong way there s no need to blacklist your son you need to speak to the HT about it.

DS was always one of the 'wild ones' at that age. After being called in to see his teacher (who was actually very sensible), we told him that if he sees his friends behaving badly, he is to walk away.

He asked if that applied to *** - his best friend, and we said it applied to everyone.

Cue ***'s mother calling me, to ask if it was true that we'd told DS to stop playing with her little darling.

So it might just be the misinterpretation of a 6 year old.

I know how worrying it is - but I'm sure it will pass, like many of these phases, although you are absolutely right to deal with it.

Hmmm in defence of the OP's son, lots of 6 year old boys are wild when outdoors, esp if cooped up in a classroom a lot of the day. Mine is - but he's gentle and loved by littler kids, who often run to him as.soon as I drop him off, as well as by his "gang" of "wild guys". We have lived where we do since just before he was born, and he's never had to change schools. I can imagine other parents getting the wrong impression of him if he were launched into a new environment where nobody knew him and over protective pfb type parents were quick to judge...

I assumed the OPs son was innocent as the others because the OP has had no complaints and I know how fast other parents like to grasp onto another child as the cause of trouble....and as the newest in the class, he'd be the perfect target.

According to me this problem should be handled by the teacher first. The teacher says that your child is well-behaved in the class and not that wild on the playground. Each and every child have different nature and behavior. Your child is new in the class and all children are trying to bully him. In due course of time everything will be OK and old children will accept your son as one of them.

I really feel for you and am sorry this has happened. I don't know you or your son but know that telling kids not to play with another kid is not the ideal and certainly doesn't instill tolerance or the ethos of solving problems together. I would be upset too. I think you need to talk to the teacher. It would be tempting to talk to the parents but this is not going to help. If you do not feel satisfied with the feedback from the teacher ask to see the head.

I don't think you can expect the parents to come to you.

We had a horrible situation last year where one mother went in to see the school about her child being picked on by the child everyone knows is the "wild" one. The parents became aware and confronted the mother saying that she ought to have spoken to them and how dare she complain about their child. The poor mother was incredibly upset.

The child is a little horror quite frankly. In reception if DS2 went near to him (they knew each other previously) he would shout "f*k off you f*cker". I also went into school, about it. Fortunately the parents didn't find out about that (although they probably ought to have).

Its for the school to deal with this sort of stuff but if your child is misbehaving or wild then other children will label them as the "naughty" one and parents are likely to tell their child to stay away.

Well whatever you do about the other kids, you need to have a word with your own lad about hus behaviour. he doesn't need to be "wild" and if people are avoiding him he needs to calm it a bit.

Happened to me. Ds1. Only with 2 other mums. My son was not the instigator, in fact out if the 3 of them , he was the least. But the damage was done. In later years it all came out, and I smirked, but it didn't help much.
As a year , ALL the boys were a bit rough. And the school tried hard for the whole if the first year, before it went away.
There is nothing that can do about the rumours. Try and rise above. But tell your son, no rough play, at all. Not a single thing. Ever again.
Then after a few weeks of very calm, invite 1 or 2 boys round for tea.
Problem solved.
Before long they'll be talking about what a nice boy your son is.

"Always let the school deal with these kind of problems. Never talk to the other parents."

Applies here.

Sorry OP, but if my DC were having trouble with a child at school I would never approach the other parent - it usually leads to trouble IME.

Wild and rough aren't the same. Nobody should be deliberately hurting anybody, but if they can't tear about wildly out in the playground what is the playground even for? Do some parents want playground games to be teacher led, or want the kids to sit nicely and chat in soft voices? Or perhaps they'd prefer to hand 'round games consoles or stick the TV on, or ban outdoor unstructured activity in favour of more formal lessons?

There is nothing wrong, and a lot right, with a bit of a wild rush about at playtime, when you're 6! If the OP's son is wild, not rough, it doesn't mean he's swearing it means he's letting off steam through non aggressive physical play at an appropriate time, which is to be encouraged not tutted over!

See the teacher or the head and ask them to talkvto other parents (not specifically about your child) about what is normal playground play, and about the fact parents actively ordering their children to socially exclude another non aggressive child.during the school day is much more damaging and unpleasant behavior with further reaching consequences than age appropriate, time and place appropriate, wild play outdoors at time!

Hang on this child apparently likes "playing it rough"

The comments have come via a small child to another small child and then on to the parent. It is unlikely that the comments are a verbatim account of what the other parents said. Far more likely that child A comes home and says "child B pushed me in the playground mummy" and the parent says "just stay away from child B darling and play with someone else". Hardly bullying.

I've certain had that conversation with mine on various occasions.

Ah Ok, now I've re-read and see both terms in the OP.

Nena as you understand it is he wild and boisterous. (Like an overgrown and excitable but friendly puppy) or is he being rough and a bit aggressive?

Either way handle it through the school, its got out of control if the other kids are telling him their mums hate him and he's becoming isolated.

Let us know what happens?

MRTumbles.... Thank you for your wise words. This is exactly what I feel.

I probably haven't explained myself very well, or used the correct wording. It's what you say MRT, he is "wild" if you like, they often play stone age people in the bushes, climb trees, roll in the grass, you get the picture. Not aggressive, not domineering. My son is not THE wild one, there is a GROUP of them, with a few quite aggessive kids if you ask me, but I won't go there... Occasionally, when all of them "play fight" it IS rough (but not aggressive) but my son is then not any worse than anyone else (according to school staff). To be honest, I don't think this comes from the children to begin with, I think it comes from the other parents - how or why it started I don't know. The mother I suspect it's coming from in the first place, her son I know for definite is not well behaved in or outside the class room, disruptive and is often in the "reflection room". My son has never been there, For some reason, which I feel is totally unfounded, she has taken a dislike to my son, which has now rubbed off on the kids and other parents. Is this really just because we are "new in the village" ?? He often plays with other kids at school , not part of this group, and there is no problem,, he is a very liked, very happy, normal kid.

Did you see the teacher?

ICameOn... thank you, no, half term. Will speak to her first week back to see what could be done.