4 year old behaviour - I'm losing it a little today

[GetYourSocksOff]

DS's behaviour has been pretty rubbish since Dd was born 18months ago.

I've read up on strategies, I'm generally consistent, DH keeps suggesting that there's 'something wrong' but it seems unlikely as he is also able to control his behaviour and he was fantastic before DD arrived (he was nearly 3).

But at the moment I am utterly worn down by it. I am crying as I type, today I feel like a shit parent, I've just shouted and generally let go of all the strategies I've been trying to follow. I give him plenty of love, we have one on one time, he responds well to this and behaviour is definitely worse when DD is around. He's also not impressing them at school at the moment and it was the same at nursery. Again, this is only since DD.

I'm just so sad and don't really know where to go with him. I love him so much but I am so tired. DD is also a strong willed little thing but I feel that I am managing her whereas I don't feel that DS's behaviour is improving at all.

How much whiny/annoying/naughty behaviour is normal at this stage? Any ideas/shared experiences would be very welcome because I feel very low about it all day.

I don't know the answer to your question but I have also flipped today with ds who's 6. The utter relentlessness of being a mum to him and my 4month old dd has got to me. Dh is trying to help but to be honest he's just getting in the way.

I've cried screamed, thrown things out and generally behaved pretty badly if I'm honest.

We are only human op. It happens.

cupcake and ghost.

Cupcake you're right, we are only human. I think a part of it in my case is a kind of grief for the gorgeous little man I used to have, as if I've 'broken' him in some way by having DD. I really did shout this morning, we're in a semi and I'm actually embarrassed to see my neighbours, on top of feeling so very sad about reaching that point with my boy.

Ghost I'll go and have a look at the book!

DD is napping now and we're cuddled up on the sofa watching a film. It's strange and sad that he really does seem to love his sister and yet he is like a different child when it's just the two of us.

As a mother to a 4yo I completely sympathise, it can be do tough!

Are you able to find the time for some dedicated 1-2-1 activities with him? Both your DH and yourself. I mean, out of the house away from your younger child, just you and him doing something he likes? He is probably misbehaving to get you attention, negative attention is as good as positive attention in their eyes, and he probably feels he is competing for his position in the family unit.

Sending you a hug OP. A lot of boys in particular go through a difficult behavioural phase around 4yo - testosterone surge - and coupled with having his nose pushed out of joint by a new sibling he has a couple of reasons for pushing the boundaries. It's so hard but keep trying to stick to your rules and push your values, and he will get through this phase soon enough and start to calm down. Your strategies may not always work right now and feel like they are falling on deaf ears, but your values and what is right and wrong will still trickle in and hopefully pave the way for an easier few years once he has matured a little. Ds1 is now 5yo and we also have dd2 12mo - ds1 was certainly harder to manage a year ago but is largely a co-operative and well-behaved boy now. I've also seen the same with many of his peers at school, many of whom were causing havoc and hitting a lot less than a year ago. They do seem to start to calm down around 5yo, can be reasoned with more and interact better with peers.

I can recommend a book called Calmer Easier Happier Parenting, which is very good and lots of helpful tips and coping strategies. Try to do something just for ds1, if possible - I take my ds1 to swimming lessons which are a nightmare as I have to hang onto wriggly dd2 the entire time and football classes which he loves, and which are all 'about him'. Actually most of what we do out of school time is for ds1, and I spend time with just dd2 when he is at school. All the best - don't feel bad for losing it. Try to stick to your guns and accept that occasionally more often than you'd like you will want to run screaming from the house x

It is hard. Here are some things that have kept me sane. Plenty of walks - being in the house together with everyone upset is a bad idea.

Explore different activities for your son, has helped mine refocus - going the farm, swimming and indoor climbing (they have little clubs from age 4). Some of them you can sit and have a coffee - so have a break too.

As to punishment - I have found taking away important stuff for a longer period is working for me. e.g. lego removed for 1 day didn't work, but for two days he missed it and felt the consequence of his actions.

Everyone try and get as much sleep as possible - hard to deal with this stress if overtired (easy said than done I know - but has helped here).

Can he also be more involved with your daughters care - big brother jobs, so he realizes she is not competition, but someone to care for ??

We forget as parents that we are only human and make mistakes - go easy on the guilt :)