newborn, toddler, hormones , sleep deprivation ahhhhhhhhhh

[rockyroadahead]

ds 3years next month has always been very good at doing what he is told and has always got quite exited when asked to help out around the house e.g washing , cooking washing up ect ,
However since dd was born ,only 3 weeks , he wont do as he is asked ,tidy up time has turned into a full blown war , and when I ask him to help me do stuff he just says no which is strange as he has always seemed to really enjoy it !
Don't even get me started on bed and nap time has become are a real drama especially if he hears dd crying .(although he has always been a terrible sleeper ) I feel as though I am starting to resent him for this as the newborn actually doesn't sleep too badly and after all the work we have put in with his bed and nap routine pre - dd it all seems to have gone down the pan and I don't know how to get it back ?
I am assuming this i s all due to massive life change with dd arriving, his age as he is nearly 3 now and also he goes to pre school so I think he is picking up bad behaviour from the bigger kids as I find he is a lot more difficult when he comes home from school ,
I have been trying to use all my parenting puzzle techniques eg choices and consequences and rewards but I am struggling to stay calm as exhaustion and hormones seem to be taking over and I don't feel I am doing a very good job of coping with baby and toddler in the way I had planned to and strategized in the 9 months I was pregnant and feel very much as though I have lost my way on the discipline front.... !

guidance is very much needed. I so want to make sure ds feels secure and included but think I may actually be doing the opposite at the moment .

Oh this is a really tough time, esp with sleep deprivation in the mix. Maybe hold off on the requests for help and try to make a few minutes each day to do something fun with him instead? He may feel that you are all about discipline and cuddling your dd now and he's missing the fun times you had one-to-one beforehand.
Best of luck.

It's so tough isn't it. My DS was the same age and was just the same.

Interestingly, his behaviour outside of home worsened with DD's arrival too.

We're 18 months on (and a lot of guilt, tears, shouting, guilt, etc etc) and I'm beginning to realise that while things are much harder work, DS's life is enriched by having his little sister around. I interpret his worsened behaviour as a negative/jealous reaction to DD but when it's just me and him now - I desperately missed that time - he keeps asking where she is and wants to get back to her. They have some truly lovely moments together. DD doesn't have many words yet but she signs a lot and often strokes his hair or points while trying to say his name and does her sign for 'love' (like a hug against her chest).

I can't pretend we're finding it easy yet and his behaviour is still much worse when around DD... BUT... some of his kindest, most thoughtful moments have been around her too. I'm also gradually beginning to understand what drives the behaviour and which approaches work best for him.

Re bedtime - we tried to keep things as consistent as possible. I would make sure DD was fed and tucked up in bed (even when she was tiny and downstairs in her moses basket and we knew she wouldn't be there for long), then leave DH in charge of soothing! I would take DS up for his story and chat which gave him some time alone with me and some sense of continuity. It was quite hard to do, but because I knew DD was fed and with DH I would just shut the door and ignore any crying for those 10 minutes and eventually DS did too. He did go through a stage of coming to the top of the stairs but either me or DH would just go and give him a big cuddle and put him straight back to bed. There are many, many things I'd like to go back and do differently, but that's the one thing I think we got right! Is your DH around in the evening?

naps - Would going for a drive help? DS only napped in the car by that stage anyway, but for him it was the move from cot to bed which had messed up naptime so nothing new there!

That's quite long! I know just how you feel though. It will get easier, I promise. Try to look after yourself too, I forgot that bit and got quite ill which didn't help.

I had a similar situation with my dd1 when my dd2 was born. Dd2 is now 5 months and we seem to be over the worst with dd1. She was 2 and a half when her sister was born and for a few months was very challenging, although she dotes on the baby. She was incredibly argumentative and negative about everything, tbh she just seemed really angry and very sad, poor thing. I found it helped to acknowledge her feelings and that it isn't always easy being a big sister, and also doing lots of special things with her while the baby napped. It is really hard to stay patient when you're so tired though, so you have my sympathy. I hope it gets easier soon. Give yourself a break though, it isn't easy adapting to looking after two little ones but it does get better.

sock and moonshine all you have said sounds very similar ... ds absolutely loves his little sis he is great with her, he wont stop kissing and cuddling her , helps me bath her , rocks her car seat when she is crying and will go and get one of her or his toys for her to play with (with me checking said toy 1st ) . has introduced her to all of his school friends and teachers with a big proud beaming smile on his face , but his general behaviour is just so touch and go ...

like you said he is just very negative and angry and will just refuse to do things he previously enjoyed or would ask to do ! I feel as though he is trying to regain some control .
I find his behaviour is actually a lot worse when DP is around he will not stop talking , constantly interrupting and doing things he knws he shouldn't he has also started calling us by our names instead of calling us mummy and daddy.

I am struggling to stay calm and feel as though I am starting to resent him for his bedtime antics I got up at 4am this morning to feed dd and ds must have heard and got up , dd fed and went straight back to sleep and ds wouldn't go back to bed started screaming waking up dd and we all had to get up at around 5am ...

I am struggling to get that 121 time with him as I am breastfeeding and I didn't BF DS so this is new to me ,and we are still getting ti grips BFing round the clock at 1st as milk wouldn't come in
I find from around 6/7pm is her awake time she just feeds and feeds so have been letting dp put ds to bed so I can be boobie ready also he is working really long hours at the moment so he also misses ds like mad and enjoys putting him to bed.

jkk .. Its not so much that i am asking for his help as continuing to enforce the household rules that I have put in place from when he cud stand ! my thinking was that it is important to stay consistent with these things.. and he has always loved doing these things and will usually asks to help me which i have encouraged i am only talking popping some clothes in the washing machine , tidying up his toys, playing in the washing up bowl and making mess , i am including baking and drawing in this list also .. its not so much that he is not helping (as it is usually more that he makes a mess and has fun than helping ) its that he has always been very Very enthusiastic to help and he is now totally disinterested.

i am finding it sooo hard to b consistent because we just don't know if what we are doing is right or making it worse . we have been using rewards and consequences but finding he is rarely getting his rewards and getting so many consequences it is leaving him with hardly anything pleasurable in the day and having to actually cancel plans .

last night he actually tidied some of his toys away (very half heartedly ) and me and dp piled on the praise so thick we nearly threw a party as there is little for us to praise at the moment ...

How are things going now rockyroad? I have a 2 1/2 year old DD, and a 6 week old, and could have easily written your first post. DD1 had always been a really easy, well behaved child - no sign of any 'terrible twos' like behaviour... however, since her sister arrived, she has become really tricky. Having tantrums, refusing to listen to me when we're out, blatantly walking in the opposite direction, sitting down on the pavement/station/bike lane when I try to get her to move... sigh. I'm really struggling to keep my patience, and have more than once had to drag her along the pavement whilst she screams just to get her out of harms way/out of the bike lane etc. The numbers of packets of sweets/treats we get through is ridiculous as it's the only way I can get her back in her buggy, or to do pretty much anything. I understand that her world has changed and she's feeling unsettled... but how do you reassure a toddler who is having a meltdown? (esp. when it is baltic out and you're tired, and are trying to get somewhere).

Aaarghh!!!! Feel so guilty when I have to man handle her back into her buggy/force her to get dressed etc, but not sure how else to get anything done as if I go at her pace I'd spend the whole day in the house as she runs around in her pjs. Running away is her new fave game... and is severely testing my patience.