Tips for building up DS's self-esteem

[chicaguapa]

DS(9) has low self-esteem. I don't know why as he's a lovely, kind-hearted boy and is well-liked by his peers. But we went to speak to his teacher yesterday and she told us she thinks he has low self-esteem and it's affecting him socially and working hard at school (because he thinks he’s stupid – he’s not as he’s working at level 3a/4c in y4 but he still thinks he’s stupid). I can see where she’s coming from and agree to an extent. I do think on the whole that he feels good about himself, and we do reinforce that at home, but he’s very sensitive and takes a lot to heart which then sets him off into a spiral.

Do you think this is a developmental phase or something more?

DH, DD(12) & I all have good self-esteem so he hasn’t learnt it from us. But DD knocks him back all the time. I can see that he seeks her approval and recognition but unfortunately DD is somewhat lacking in empathy and doesn’t know when to be quiet. I mentioned this to her yesterday and explained that he needs some positive comments from us as he doesn’t have high self-esteem and she responded that she could see why as he’s not very likable. Family says that this is typical behaviour from an older sibling and that we’re not to expect more from her. I’m not sure if this is true or not. (So as not to drip feed DD has AS traits.)

But it’s not about DD, it’s about DS and how we help him to feel better about himself and deal with the knocks you get in life. So do you have any tips or techniques please, beyond the usual telling him that you’re proud of him and pointing out all his good points? Happy to read a book too to add to all my other parenting books. Thanks.

How about an extra curricular activity of some kind. Something that DD doesn't do . Something he can do that's just for him. Karate, art classes, cooking? I guess anything really has the potential to boost his confidence in an area that is separate from school. My DH has a small karate club and has noticed that some the more reserved and less confident children really grow in confidence as their skills improve.

Its good that you are aware of the effect his older sibling can have in terms of her negative comments. I grew up with an older sister who really knocked my confidence in a similar way to how you describe. I think it can stem from a bit of sibling rivalry and it quite normal as you say. However I do think that my low self esteem as an adult may have something to do with that. Its might be a good idea to try and stick up for him and not let her keep doing it if that's possible?

I am quite sure that having a hobby and something that I was good at, that my siblings didn't do, would have helped my confidence growing up.

My sister did it to me and tbh it never damaged me. It merely made me perhaps teach DS to stick up for himself verbally more often? In the face of an unwarranted criticism he could learn some stock phrases such as "Think you could do a better job?" and "Who made you the expert then?"

He'll learn that he's worth more in the long run.

I can see it may not be easy but if your dd 'knocks him back all the time' then I think you need to work on her too. A certain amount of negative feedback from a sibling is par for the course but constant put downs would make most people feel crap.

Thanks for the replies.

DS does a couple of after school clubs without DD but I think something like karate would be good. I have heard that martial arts is good for building confidence so it sounds like a good idea.

DS does stand up for himself but it means they're constantly arguing, which is wearing. We do pick DD up on it and tell her 'if you can't think of something nice to say, say nothing'. She just doesn't understand that it's confidence bashing and I suppose doesn't see it as being part of her role to help with his self esteem. Which I guess it's not, but it's not her role to chip away at it either.

But we need to teach him to not be affected by it, as it won't be just DD who'll do it. He'll meet people in life who'll try and take him down and he has to find a way of improving his self esteem so he can rise above it and not let him affect him.