Well I think I fairly bollocksed that up

[MumJokes]

Daughter is 7 and a half.

Last term she had a 'boyfriend' who she never told me about. Just 6yr olds playing pretend I suppose. I gave her lots of chances to tell me about him ifshe wanted to but she never did and I didn't give it much thought.

Then I decided I should have said something, just casually. I don't want the template to be that she keeps boyfriends a secret from me. I don't really know. It's not something I expected to be giving much thought to at her age.

Then something a mum said to me recently about her own 7yr old having a new girlfriend made me think about it. This other mum was very casual and down to earth about it - didn't dismiss her sons feelings but didn't take it as more than children playing. I admired her take on it and decided to try and emulate it.

I just casually asked my daughter about it and she went from 0 - 60, screamed that I was embarrassing her and asked me to stop talking about it. Then she collapsed into tears.

We had a good long hug and a chat and she said that boyfriends were supposed to be secret from mums and that I embarrassed her by talking about it.

I'm confused and upset. I obviously got it wrong. I meant to be supportiv and progressive and calm and sensible. Why can't I be one of those tv mums whose children ask for advice and tell things to?

What do you think? Please give me some pointers.

Where did she get the idea from that boyfriends should be a secret?

That's not something I would want my daughters thinking, and I have actually told my 4 year old that you always tell your mummy secrets, because its still a secret even if mummy knows.

You are doing it right - you gave her chances to come to talk to you. TBH I'd be more concerned who told her that boyfriends are supposed to be secrets. I'd be climbing the walls at that one as a rule of thumb for when she's older. If she likes a boyfriend enough, she should want to tell other people, including her mum, about him, not hide him.

I think you are WAY over thinking this, you don't really think 7 year old sit down and ask their mums for boyfriend advice do you?

I would be very worried about the idea that boyfriends are suppose to be secret from mums.

I agree that there should be no such thing as a secret from mum. i have often said this in the past to all my children. I also reiterated it when we chatted today.

My own parents dealt with the whole boyfriend thing dreadfully. They told me it was silly and embarrassing and a load of nonsense. Meanwhile my brothers were encouraged to play the field.

I had wanted so very badly to get it right with my daughter. I am so deflated that I have got it wrong so far.

I don't think I am over thinking it. I agree with the posters who think that 'secret boyfriends' are a dangerous idea.

I'm not suggesting secrets are a good thing at all, my response was more about how personally you seem to be taking this and I don't think you should give yourself such a hard time.

Hmm my dd is 8 in January and tells me about her boyfriends and crushes with no shame what so ever. I think wannabe's advice is very good if you explain telling mummy secrets still means its a secret.

I think you may be slightly projecting though OP because of how your parents were and making this out to be a bigger deal then it is. That age their boyfriends are whoever they play with most days until they find another one to play with. My dd likes playing football with the boys because it means she gets the most boyfriends

Yes, I absolutely agree that boyfriends at that age mean whoever they happen to be playing with that day, which doesn't make me any less baffled as to why my daughter had such a huge reaction to me saying something about it.

I remember this stage.

Honestly, I think the idea of 'secret boyfriends' is something that they grow out of. Playground - up until about 12, they won't tell you/might have this reaction. I think it's just how kids rationalize, and learn to understand gender dynamics changing.

For so long, boys were 'icky' and now they are not, and she doesn't understand why. As a young teen, first kisses and stuff will change the dynamic again - again creating more 'secrecy'.

Not that its a secret - just reluctance to tell your mum stuff you don't fully understand in your own head yet.

By the time it is real boyfriends, say 15+, they have learnt the emotional intelligence to understand what it actually means to be in a relationship. Then you as the parent get to meet the lucky fella!

Honestly don't worry. You did nothing wrong. Just keep showing your daughter healthy relationship examples, and she will be fine.