is this normal? 7m old screaming every time I leave the room :(

[emeraldgirl1]

I posted about separation anxiety last week as an acquaintance and a family member were both having a bit of a go about it, implyiny (well, actually saying in fact) that I was making DD develop separation anxiety (I can't put her down with other babies or hand her over to other people without her crying; they both though it was me deciding to do this rather than being led by DD who cries every time I try)

Well, it is getting worse :(

I am shattered. But I can't even hand her over to DH or my mum for a break.

My neck is completely shot from having to hold her the entire time.

This morning I tried to have a shower while my mum read her a story (for 3 mins) and she screamed the place down after 1 minute, tears and snot pouring down her face. She was very tired and she is teething but it was dreadful.

I don't know what I am going to do; I need to get work done and have been trying to arrange a lovely au pair to come in and let DD get used to her so that she can take her out etc for a couple of hours in the day, but DD cries every time I have tried to hand her over for a cuddle.

She is so smiley and interested in everyone, waves at strangers etc.

But the separation anxiety (am assuming this is what it is) seems ot be at a ridiculous level.

I can't even go to the loo without her crying, I have to park her in her pushchair outside the (open) door and talk to her the entire time.

Is this normal?

Have I made it worse by indulging it, by holding her so much?

I just can't let her cry (scream) when someone else takes her, it isn't fair on her or on the person holding her.

Should I be trying to put her down more in the day?

I try to leave the room for eg 30 seconds at a time (to go and get a load of laundry etc) and at best she is staring at the door frantically when I get back, at worst she is crying again.

I don't know what to do.

Sorry for rambling post, am a bit all at sea. She is sleeping badly too (always has but we had a rare window of improvement last week, I got my hopes up and now we are back to bad sleep again).

I feel like I never get a break and am starting to get grumpy with DD (which I don't want to do!!!) even though I know it isn't something she is 'doing to me' IYSWIM.

In the evenings she won't even let DH feed her, I used to get 5 mins to myself while he fed her with bottle but now she just screams blue murder and won't feed. It is much worse when she is tired.

I suffered horrendously with exactly the same thing from my youngest when she was around 8 months old. Looking back, I probably didn't do myself any favours as I constantly held he or carried her on my hips everywhere I went. They grow accustomed to this very quickly and that's where the problems begin.

The same thing almost happened to me when I had my second child. At the time I was advised by someone at a parent support group to ignore her when she cries and to walk out of the room, no matter what. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and it left me in tears most of the time. But after just a week of doing this she began to cry less and less. Once she knew that wailing and screaming wouldn't get my attention she almost stopped completely. I won't pretend that it was easy because it certainly wasn't. Sometimes I had to leave to cry herself to sleep - that was the hardest part.

I really feel for you and you must be feeling absolutely exhausted. I think maybe leaving the room the 30 seconds is not enough. Try putting her into a secure play pen and leaving the room for a few minutes. when she stops, take her out and hold her. She'll begin to understand that crying has no affect on your attention. It worked for me but I can't guarantee it will work for you. Just give it a try if you can bear the heartache. It could end up saving your sanity in the long run.

Good luck x

I do think it's normal! I have 3 Ds's, and when DS1 was a baby, like you, I had to take him everywhere including the toilet, or if I was just popping somewhere really quickly. In fact, I remember his lip used to quiver if I went to fetch my shoes, even if I was taking him with me. It was a complete pain for a few months (sorry) and eventually that phase passed. (probably replaced by another annoying phase but I've erased lots from my memory)

Then DS2 wasn't too bad, he did still cry but I could get away with nipping to answer the door or fetch something without him screaming. It also didn't last as long, with DS1 it seemed to go on for a very long time.

DS3 (who is now 4) was just as bad as DS1!! In fact, probably worse. I couldn't even put him down even if I was in the same room as him sometimes. It was exhausting.

But basically I think you can't bring it on yourself!! I think a lot of it is down to their personality rather than creating a situation. I behaved the same with all 3 of mine and one was ok and the other two terrible. FWIW, my DS1 and 3 are now the most chilled kids!

Thanks so much!!

Mavis, I'm sure you're right that she has got used to me carrying her everywhere... I'm going to make a big effort to cut that down. Have actually just bought a playpen so will give that a good go and hope for some improvement. Re letting her cry... I just don't know. I'm probably being PFB. But I just have dreadful fears of her being somehow affected by it, not trusting me and getting even worse...

Finger f fudge, that's so heartening to hear about your boys being chilled now... Honestly I would take all the clinging if I could be sure she'd be chilled and confident at the end of it. Weirdly I think she is quite a confident little thing, she seizes upon everything she does with real gusto, can't get nough of new experiences, loves looking at strangers and beaming at them whn they notice her... Her crying when I walk away is just so strange given that I think she is in many ways very sure of the world around her.

Just wanted to agree with other posters that it is normal. One of my friend's dd was the same at that age and right up to about 15 months but she's fine now. Just a phase. My ds was the opposite, happy to be left with anyone; but then from around 18 months he got clingy and shy so you never can tell!

It's totally normal. And good. Children not getting anxious is more of a concern, (although the age that separation anxiety hits can vary.)

My dc3 had hideous separation anxiety from about 5 months to 2 1/2. She was the ultimate velcro baby. Fortunately I was a SAHM so I didn't have to leave her. At 4 she is pretty much the most outgoing, socially confident pre-schooler that I know.

Thanks everyone!
Am attempting less holding today already, popped her in her high chair while I got her breakfast rather than carrying her on my hip (and knackering my neck in the process)
But I think I'm just going to tough out the rest... I just want her to feel secure and for me that means however much Velcro she wants to attach to me! I have been very insecure in my life and I know my mum was of the school of making babies independent asap, not a big one for cuddles etc. Who knows if that's where my insecurities started but I instinctively feel that DD needs that attachment.
If it's within the realm of normal I'll just carry on... and get some physio every now and then I guess ;)

My dd was very clingy at that age, but she's a lot better now at 11 months. I really believe that you cannot spoil a baby by giving them too much affection/attachment. In fact it's been shown that attachment parenting can aid, rather that hinder, independence. I found it helped if I was very upbeat and cheerful when coming back in to the room, if she had gotten upset. So if she was crying because I'd left the room, I come back in with a big cheery 'heeeellllllooooooo!' It wasn't easy faking the happiness when I just wanted to scream It seemed to work.

It's totally age-appropriate and in fact an excellent sign, developmentally. It means that she's developed a strong bond with you - as she gets bigger and more emotionally capable the number of people she can bond with will grow. Going with what she needs (note: needs, not wants - you cannot "spoil" a baby because it doesn't know it's separate from you) is the best way to get through it quickly. You are quite right that trying to force the issue by making her do without you could well be counter-productive. Trust your instincts - they're there for a reason!

You could get a back-carry sling - I am a childminder and when I have a baby who needs a lot of cuddles and attachment I pop them in the Ergo on my back and they're usually quite happy. The phase passes pretty quickly.

It is also worth noting, though, that this phase - up to about 9 months or whenever they get mobile - is a stage of huge frustration for babies. They have all these fierce urges - to move, to eat, to communicate - and there's a massive amount going on in their brains and they can't actually do ANY of the things they are desperate to do. No wonder they get cross - I would too.

Is she getting teeth as well, or coming down with something? That tends to amplify the clinginess too.

Try and hang on to the two facts: this is totally normal (no matter how difficult for you!) and that the way to create a confident secure child is NOT to push them towards independence before time.

Go with your instincts. There will come a time when you can expect her to be more independent, you might even push her towards it. Let's say when she is three, and lets say she's refusing to go to sleep by herself. You might decide that you will leave her to cry for a bit before going back to reassure her - she is three now and can deal with it, she has a mature concept of time and space, she understands you will come back, and she needs to be shown and taught that actually she CAN go to sleep by herself. You'll know when she is ready for each little push to more independence

7 months old though - a different proposition!

Parenting is about constantly adjusting your expectations of them, making sure they are appropriate for the age, that means neither insisting they become independent too soon nor babying them later on. Its a learning process as sometimes they need to take a step back and you need to cut them more slack for a while e.g. when my daughter started school and was tired, I let her get away with a bit more moany behaviour than I might normally do.

PS its very difficult if those around you are pushing you to act against your instincts to resist them. Its hard enough having a clingy baby without having to argue your case with your relatives all the time too.

I totally agree with the pp.

Bumpsadaisie that is such good advice! Thank you!

I am luckily not under pressure from immediate family but friends are doing all the 'rod for your back' stuff...

The panicked look on DD's face when I am gone for a moment is just not something I am prepared to muck around with, it is her whole little world and I don't want to scare her. I think I just need to know that it will get better one day...

I am really heartened by the fact that she is so great at beaming at everyone from her own safe distance, I am hoping this must mean I am getting something right in helping her realise that people are interesting and fun. I took her to a baby class today and she was most interested in all the other babies and carers... tried putting her onto the communal mat for one part of the class, in amongst the other babies, and she cried immediately!!!

V glad to hear it's all normal developmentally, just a relief not to feel that DD is some kind of pariah because she wont be handed around... and that I am the worst over-protective mother in the world!

It's very normal at that age. Both mine have been like that, although a little later, around 9mo. Ds1 was worse - he howled when I went to the toilet too. It's rubbish when you are sat on the toilet thinking "why can't I pee quicker?"! Dd2 will be 1yo tomorrow and she has also been clingy and had some separation anxiety, but not quite as bad. I'm not sure if it is that she often has ds1 to watch and play with, when he is not at school, or because she is a second child and I haven't been able to rush to her as much.

First up, ignore what other people say. There is nothing wrong with picking up your baby when they cry. It's a baby, not a fourteen year old who should be able to cope without their mother for a bit. To a baby, Mummy is the centre of their world - at that age, everything can be woefully wrong if Mummy isn't visible. If you really need to nip this separation anxiety in the bud though, if you work for example, then you may have to bite the bullet and do less picking up and try to ignore the upset that you'll feel at hearing her cry. Babies cry like it is the end of the world, even if they are only slightly irritated by something. So don't hear her howls and believe that you are damaging her for good. She will be fine, and in time she'll get used to the fact that you can come and go but most importantly will always come back. It is a phase, it may last a couple of months or so but it will pass. All the best!

Meant to say, she is that clingy with you too because you're also doing a great job - you make her feel safe and loved and cared for. So take heart in the fact that your little girl adores you and be encouraged!

It's normal.
Every child is different. Some are quite, some cry a lot.
Either way, it is totally normal.
Don't worry. :)

My DS is 6.5 months and has been howling every time I leave the room for a few weeks now, it got so bad at one point that he would cry if I turned my back on him. So far, he's still happy to play and be cuddled by DH (although if he sees me leave the room he'll have a little whine) as well as my parents where we visit frequently. However he's suddenly started to get very aware of his surroundings and strangers and will freak out if we're at someone's house we don't go often.
I'm hoping it doesn't get much worse as at the moment he immediately stops crying when he sees me again and only needs cuddling if he's worked himself in to a state if I've dared to be in the toilet more than 30 seconds!!

I think its about that age they suddenly realise you are desperate and it's a big thing for them. Did is 8mo (and habit) until recently she loved interacting with others when still being held by me, she's now starting to happily go to those she 'knows' like grandparents etc.
They do get over it pretty quick, and as others have said its a good sign of secure attachment at that age.

Separate not desperate!!

At that age they don't understand object permanence. When you leave the room, they don't understand that you still exist. The heart wrenching, awful sobbing is because they think you've literally gone.

It's a good, normal and healthy phase and some babies go through it more than others.

I'm a firm believer in listening to your instincts. If it feels wrong to walk away, it's because it probably is. You won't teach anything other than you aren't coming back when they ask (and let's face it they can't get up and follow let alone understand why their only method of communication is suddenly failing) and that's not any lesson I wanted to give out to my dc at the same age. I knew through instinct that my job when it was happening was to show my dc that I would always come back, I was a constant and I positively and gently encouraged moves to independence when they were ready for it. You can sense when this happens. You slowly move into another bit of the room but keep narrating what you're doing. You make a big show of moving back to them. Eventually you find you can be in the next room and still doing the artificially jolly "mummy's still here, you can hear me, I'm coming back ta dah!" bit and they learn the lesson gently with no fear and no tears.

You can also play lots of games like hide and seek and peek a boo to reinforce this stage of development. They learn v quickly that not seeing something doesn't mean that it doesn't exist and more importantly that their primary caregiver is a constant and reliable presence.

I carried both of mine in a sling (easy on the joints that way and hands free) and dd had v little in terms of anxiety. She was v independent and confident. DS had terrible, awful, gut wrenching anxiety from 5 months and we worked together through it and now at 2yo, he's becoming a sociable, happy, independent and trusting soul. He just needed to gently approach separation. I think personality determines a lot of how they go through this stage of development but the key thing to remember is that it's normal.

Do NOT feel pushed into leaving your baby. You will not spoil them by guiding them through new developmental phases.

Have you tried the peekaboo type games? My DS is 6.5 mo and I vary between hiding behind his highchair and popping out, to hiding under a blanket/muslin. The idea is that he learns I'm still there even if he can't see me. And the look of surprise on his little face when I "appear" is priceless

Sorry Stumps I just realised I said the same as you

Agree with everyone but the first poster - this is a phase, and the only thing you'll teach a child this young by leaving them to cry is that their mother is not always there for them.

That said, can you work on very small spurts with you and your mother or other caregiver to get her used to at least a few other 'trusted' people? We've also focussed on finding a few key things that DS finds SO interesting that they make him temporarily forget that his mother has gone to the loo/kitchen/is stuck on mumsnet - for him, the best distractions are a toy that plays nursery rhymes when buttons are pressed and the company of other babies, who fascinate him! DS doesn't love his jumperoo, by my friends with clingy babies swear that theirs give them at least 10-15 minutes break at a time!

I agree with everyone also, except the first poster who recommends leaving her to cry.

Babies need you, it's annoying when you can't even turn around, but they need you. They don't know anything about time, or two minutes, or a few seconds. They need you to be there, and if that means you have to be there, so be it.

My baby was in my arms for a whole year, and I wore her for that entire time in a sling and on a hippy chick. I never put her down, and whenever I did, I was massaging her or changing her nappy, or bathing her. She was within my arms reach for a year.

I had no life, I admit, and would put her down only to have a shower. I would sing at the top of my voice as she couldn't see me. And still her screaming meant that very often I was dashing out dripping wet with conditioner in my hair still in order to soothe her, and take her up.

Babies have their own personalities and sometimes it's all give and no take for the first year, but that is the way of it. If you leave her to cry, she'll just shut down and learn that the world won't look after her needs.

Fwiw my baby is now the most confident child, and is a joy and a pleasure to be with.

I feel that I gave her a solid sense of security and she draws on that reserve. What more can a baby ask for?

I rarely have to support her emotionally now, and everyone who meets her says she's the most self contained, friendly, outgoing girl.

I think you have to give and give to a baby, and they'll give back when they can.

Don't put her down and leave her. That's cruelty, and it will mean you'll have to give more in the end as she'll not be secure her whole life.

Yes it's a pita having a babe draped over you for a year, but really, it's your job to launch your children as best you can, and if your babe needs to be held for a year, hold her. You reap what you sow.

Best of luck, and remember you are not alone, and we've all been through it, and have wonderful confident children as a result (and a sense of having done the right thing).

Thanks everyone!
I feel I could probably handle the inability to put her down if I wasn't so sleep deprived!!
But am going to continue as I am doing, lots of peekaboo etc and big smiles and waves when I come out of the loo etc!!
She is teething and has an upset tummy (not sure if those things are linked?) so it is worse because of that I expect.
She is such a little bundle, I adore her and feel we are creating a wonderful and special bond that is unlike any other relationship... I just want to let her know that I am always there when she needs me and hope that she eventually becomes a confident little girl. It can be hard to see the wood for the trees at the moment... Other friends have much 'easier' babies and I do feel run ragged...

Totally agree with everyone telling you to go with it. When my dd was the same age, I could never put her on a mat with other babies, she never wanted to be passed to anyone else and I totally felt the pressure of everyone thinking we'd somehow made her that way. But that's just her personality, and I went with my instincts to go to her whenever she needed me, not to force her to go to other people when she didn't want to. At 18 months she's fascinated by other people and will smile and wave, but still doesn't want to go to people she doesn't know. But that's ok! She and I have a great relationship and she now also has fantastic bonds with other family members. I am able to work full time and leave her with grandparents and she's totally happy because she trusts that I will always come back.
So keep doing what you're doing, she needs you more than ever right now and being there for her will set the foundations of trust for the times when you might need to leave her. She's not manipulating you as some might tell you, she's far too young to be capable of that. It's a pain but she'll get bigger and more confident and one day you'll even miss the times she clung to you like a little limpet!