3yo DS ignoring me and answering back...

[slothlike]

As the title says, my 3yo DS is going through what I dearly hope is a phase of a) answering back when I tell him off, and b) just plain ignoring me when I ask him not to do something.

Examples:

I was walking him home from nursery today; he lags behind slightly, I look back and to see him ankle-deep in a puddle. I tell him off; he KNOWS he is only allowed in puddles in his wellies. Instead of acting chastened, he says “Well, actually mummy I was ONLY standing near the edge”. No he wasn’t! Right in the middle! Ankle deep!

Then at home, I’m washing his hands at the kitchen sink; he picks up the slightly dirty washing up sponge – not a huge deal but I’d rather he didn’t touch it so I say, “Oh, don't touch that sponge please DS, it’s a bit dirty”. He ignores me. I say it twice more, with increasing volume and an increasingly sharp tone. He ignores me. I then snap and shout at him, he ends up in tears and I feel like shit, and then through his tears he manages to say “Well, mummy, I ONLY wanted to touch the sponge.”

Someone please tell me this is normal and give me tips on how to handle. I only have to hear the word ‘well’ now and my blood pressure starts to rise. It is doing my head in and I am parenting badly.

Um. Really, going off on one because of being in a puddle and touching a sponge...a bit OTT.

I think I've already acknowledged that I am reacting badly. Hence my posting on here.

(Also, re. the puddle, I reacted ok to that one. Just an example of the kind of behaviour that is building up to me eventually losing my cool).

Honestly, if these are the type of behaviours that you are chastising then it's possible you are over criticising and he is starting to tune you out. Puddle jumping and sponge touching would certainly not be something I would be scolding my 3 yr old for. I'm a firm believer that if you save the scolding for genuinely bad behaviour eg hitting deliberate destructive behaviour etc. then it maintains the shock factor and this is more effective. In short what I'm saying is - pick your battles

That kind of behaviour is the sort of thing I still do and I am 46. It's the sign of an inquisitive mind. Interested in experiences and textures. Just leave him to explore a bit and stop hassling him.

He sounds like a very bright, fun little boy. I would try and relax a bit if I were you. Him testing the boundaries is totally, totally normal and healthy. Mother of a 3yo here too and tbh I find my DS delightful and frustrating in almost equal measure but as a PP said, you have to pick your battles.

Thanks for the replies. The thing is, I DO generally try and be a laid-back, not-too-many-rules kind of parent. I know I must come across as the opposite in this thread, but I really do. I am generally fine with him getting mucky and being explorative and I often encourage it.

The puddles rule is set because without it he literally submerges himself in them, splashes manically, and then gets sodden and freezing and once fell (admittedly only mildly) ill as a result. Quite often when it rains I take him on special puddle walks in his wellies and waterproof trousers and coat specifically so he can go crazy. He is well aware of the no-puddles-in-his-normal-shoes rule and it was the fact that he knowingly broke it that bothered me, more than the wet feet themselves.

Again, with the sponge thing, I was not at all cross that he touched the sponge, and in retrospect I shouldn't have asked him not to hold it in the first place. It was his repeatedly ignoring me that actually bothered me, though.

And if the rule-breaking and ignoring were infrequent it probably would, again, not bother me. But just lately it seems to be ALL THE TIME. I am finding this stage particularly difficult to handle effectively, and, as with the sponge thing, sometimes end up worsening the situation by overreacting

I don't want to be a crazy over-disciplinarian, but I do want to ensure that he listens to the rules I do set, and listens to me when I ask him not to do something. But at 3 I can understand that this is likely expecting too much.

...Sorry! Bit of an essay. MN is good for offloading

I have to say though that reading these responses has managed to change my mindset remarkably quickly, and I think I'll be able to deal with things much better now. Think I just needed reminding that this behavior is normal, and his pushing boundaries is not in itself a sign that I am doing something wrong!

Him pushing boundaries is all part and parcel. I recently posted pretty similar about my DD, who is 4 and thinking I was too strict. Reacting in a similar way to you.

I've found NOT reacting but calmly talking to DD works a lot better than raising my voice after a couple of requests to stop doing something the reason? DD would get upset and that would result in both of us being upset. Me shouting to calm things down?

Think of the last statement and think of that could work, to raise your voice to calm a situation down. What's the point of 2 people being stressed?

More patience, more peace!

Bless you, not so long ago I was where you are now, wanting to do the best by them by having clear boundaries and getting into stress (for me) and distress for the wee one. The best advice I got was pick your battles! Once I set the bar a little lower it all went smoothly. Sounds like you're getting there!

Just to add I know how infuriating the selective hearing and answering back can be. We all want the well behaved child but exploring his environment and having a little mess is exactly what he needs to be doing. Sounds like you're both doing a great job. You'll both be happier when you start to recognise that.

Btw you are NOT parenting badly!