Parents evening - what is the teacher trying to tell us?

[scotspine]

my DH and I are just back from parent's evening. DD is in year 1. She has had no problems with school and is doing all ok in her work and she's a bright child but her teacher told us though that she has noticed a difference in her behaviour between how she was in reception and now in year 1 (distracted, less inclined to be first to volunteer to answer teracher etc.). She then said it might be the move from reception to year 1 but remarked this it was quite similar a change to what she would expect to see in a child whose parents were separating. I'm feeling like I've been punched in the stomach as is other half. Has anyone else had this feedback before and what did they do with it? She is a smiley, happy, lively child with us. A bit at a loss as to whether it really is our arguments (yes, we argue, but not stupid amounts/in front of the children) or is it something else?

Are you separating or does the teacher have this wrong?

Not that we're planning on! My DH is self employed and has been very busy the last couple of months so admittedly we haven't spent as much 'family time' all 4 of us together and I've missed him - but he has always had to work weekends so it isn't anything hugely different that i can really pinpoint and say, "yes, that changed so that might have had an impact".

What a stupid thing for the teacher to say. Was she probing? What did you say?

Gosh i think she was really over-stepping the mark there.

I wonder what your DD has told her.

I think a sensitive question along the lines of how are things at home would have been more appropriate.

Might your DD have told the teacher you were separating? That's the only time I would mention something so personal at a parents' evening - but I would explain myself.
Maybe you have a duff and insensitive teacher!

it felt a bit awkward! She went through her work but was building up to what felt like the bomb dropping! She said that she had worked with DD for phonics in reception and that having her in class in year 1 was like teaching a different child! She said that she's often tired in class and isn't as full of enthusiasm as she was before the summer and never the first to volunteer to participate. We said that there were times at home that she'd be in bed at the usual time but there's the odd occasion when she is still lying awake in bed, singing at 9pm! She also suggested that it might be the transition between reception and year 1 - but then her comment about it was behaviour she sees from families that are separating that kicked us! Felt very uncomfortable after she said that (it felt a bit like the awkwardness when I asked someone who looked 7 months pregnant if they knew what they were having for them to say that they weren't pregnant - I didn't know where to look then either - or what to say to make it better). I am now feeling tremendously guilty that it might be me/DH that has caused this change. But then again, it's maybe that she enjoyed the freedom to do 'what she wanted' in reception and in year 1, it's a bit more restricted/conformist and she's reacted to that. Aaargghhh!!!

I agree teacher was over stepping the mark being so personal.
I would turn it back around on them your DD is perfectly fine at home, nothing has changed within the family so what has changed at school? Could your DD be bored therefore she's switched off a bit.

Some kids find Reception exciting, it's a whole new world maybe your DD has just settled down.

She's maybe put 2 and 2 together and got 7. Maybe DD has said something that has been miscontrued -but did anyone else's child struggle with the transition from reception to year 1? Don't get me wrong, we have arguments, we make up (which tend not to be in front of the children) - we don't think we have enough time together - both as a family and as a couple - we're not some perfect family. But we are happy with our lot. Most of the time!

Teacher has overstepped by a long way.
So now teacher knows you aren't seperating, ask her what the other reasons might be, or more importantly, irrespective of why, what is she going to actually DO about it?

Or could it be that she has an idiot for a teacher this year as shes fine at home with us?????

I have taught Y1 and I would say that at least 50% struggle with the transition esp in the first half term. It is far more structured and far more is expected both academically and behaviourally.

I am utterly gobsmacked at how rude and unprofessional the teacher was. Maybe your DD's diminished enthusiasm is due to the change of teacher.

I think a lot of children struggle with the transition to year 1. All mine have come home complaining that they don't get to play anymore, and feeling quite put out by that!

I think that's a very personal thing to say unless she had a reason but it doesn't sound like she did.

My DD2 has just moved into Y2 (and been fine) but last year she really struggled with the move from reception to Y1 and took a good term to get going. As PP says there is a big difference in the structure and being expected to sit and concentrate for longer. DD got frustrated if things took her long than her friends until she got used to it.

It's maybe that she preferred her reception teacher and was more motivated by her. Her teacher is nice enough and I genuinely believe that she was well meaning - but we are gutted by the thought that our behaviour might have caused a 'change' in DD's character. It just doesn't ring true. She's a happy, outgoing, confident child.
I'm now a bit annoyed that we're now being made to doubt our ability to bring up our children in a safe and happy home!

Thank you for all your replies on here, I really appreciate the feedback. She is one of the youngest in her class and the comments which suggest that other little ones struggle in the transition is very reassuring. This half term holiday cannot come quick enough though! We have a whole week of pure family time, which we're all looking forward to!

DT1 was always the 1st to answer in reception. Towards the end of that year he quietened down a bit. The teachers seemed to think it may be because he was in his gang and didn't want to be teacher's pet all the time. It had dawned on him that he didn't have to be the font of all knowledge. Also that he had 'let them know he was clever' so didnt have to work so hard. Year 1 has been the same. He's stamped his mark on the new teacher and is now realxing.

I suspect your dd has said something further for her to extrapolate so far.
Does she have friends whose parents are separating? I know somone who at parents' evening was offered sympathy on their recent separation.
Turned out their ds' friend's parents were going through a nasty split, and her ds, to show empathy had made up the same-including describing in great detail to the form fights, arguements, visits to dad etc. He was a bit older (about year 3/4) but the teacher was totally taken in. Luckily parents thought this was very funny.

It's also possible she does think you're splitting. Could something have been said during an arguement perhaps that she overheard? "I would be better to walk out now," was something one of my friends heard at school and came to school in floods of tears because she thought her dad was leaving. He wasn't, but she was on tenderhooks for weeks.

The other thing that comes to mind on the description of her, is perhaps formmates' comments "you always want to do everything." "Why do you always have to know the answer?" Could be as far as bullying, but more likely a couple of cross comments about her always volunteering (or perhaps always being picked) has made her want to be less visible. It doesn't even have to have been a deliberately nasty comment, if she's a bit sensitive, a small remark may have been picked up on.

I would have a talk with her. I don't think year 1 is too young to tell her what the teacher says within limits.
Tell her how much the teacher thinks she's wonderful, then ask.
"Miss X says you don't seem to want to answer questions in class much. Is there any reason for it?"
She may not give the actual answer then, but she may come out with it later.

But also if she's not seeing your dh much (and is used to) it does effect them. Dh had three months working where he had to commute leaving before the dc got up, and coming home after bedtime. It effected all my dc in terms of behaviour, both at home and at school, dd1's teacher said she could tell within a week when dh had stopped commuting-she was much quieter (and she's quiet anyway) when he was away.