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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Feeling very low - 4yo daughter excluded

12 replies

mamaeff · 21/10/2013 20:08

Hi,
Just a rant really. I'm not sure what advice there is to give/get. But my 4 year old seems to have no friends at all. It seems everyone in her class dislikes her/avoids her. There's a ringleader amongst them who is really mean to my dd and it might just be her influence, but perhaps not. I don't know what to do. The teacher says there's nothing obviously going on at school, and that my dd is perfectly nice etc.
Today my dd was made so unwelcome at "the ringleader's" party that we had to take her home after fifteen minutes. It makes my heart bleed. What can I do?

OP posts:

TEErickOrTEEreat · 21/10/2013 20:15

If there is a child being mean, the teacher needs to do something now.

mikkii · 21/10/2013 20:19

When my (older) DS was having a hard time at school, I arranged for one of the popular boys to come over to play. He had a good time, hem while he and DS aren't inseparable, things seem to have improved.

I wish your DD was at our school, as DD1 is known for being the child who goes and rescues the lonely left out one.

Wish I could help more.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 21/10/2013 20:23

Is your dd upset by this? Does she seem bothered by it?

Original poster

mamaeff · 21/10/2013 20:32

Yes, she is upset by it. But she's also quite tough so she doesn't generally complain. But it's obvious when there's a gathering or a club or something that she's cautious about joining in and then when they're all unfriendly (like today) she is obviously upset.

One thing is the ringleader is very girly and my DD is a tomboy. I don't know if this is part of it, but it may be.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 21/10/2013 20:47

How did the ringleader's mum react at the party? I hope you explained why you felt the need to take your dd home?

Original poster

mamaeff · 22/10/2013 11:20

Actually that's the embarrassing thing. The mother is completely oblivious (or pretends to be). I was too feeble to tell her her child is a complete b...
so I just said something about her being a little unwell. Perhaps I should talk to her? She's a bit weird.

OP posts:

Goandplay · 22/10/2013 11:27

My DS had a similar issue at school. I approached one of the mums and asked if he did anything to annoy her DS as mine wasn't involved and she said (as I would expect most mums to ) no her child could be boisterous sometimes and to ignore him but from then on that group of boys seemed to include him more.
I chatted to lots of mums in the playground so they got to know who my DS was that seemed to help because I think at this age parents can encourage friendships.
It is hard. As a mum I always notice if a particular child seems left out and encourage my dcs to involve them.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/10/2013 11:38

Have you tried inviting some of the girls from your dd's class round to play, one at a time? That way she could get to know them on her own turf, where she would feel more secure - and you could do some things to make the playdate (horrible word, sorry) really amazing - baking cakes with them, lots of sparkly crafts etc - so they have lots of fun together and that encourages the friendships.

ErrolTheDragon · 22/10/2013 11:49

you could do some things to make the playdate (horrible word, sorry) really amazing - baking cakes with them, lots of sparkly crafts etc

or if your DD has less stereotypical tastes, the activities which your DD loves but which the visitor may find novel - I found little friends would adore bug hunts or kitchen chemistry.

Its very early days - friendship groups come and go, and 'queen bee' types sometimes find that the others rebel.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/10/2013 12:12

Yes, Errol - excellent options. For some reason, the two options I gave were the only two activities for children that sprang to mind (and I have dses, and would have done cake baking with them and their friends, and craft activities with sparkliness coming up to christmas, so wasn't being deliberately sexist).

The home-made volcano, with baking soda and vinegar to make it erupt was really popular when my kids were small - with both genders.

capecath · 22/10/2013 13:55

What is it that makes you think she has no friends at all? Also what are the others doing to be mean to her, like at the party? Could you ask her teachers who she plays with, or to specifically observe for you? They'd probably be able to get a better idea being around her more while she is playing.

capecath · 22/10/2013 14:03

I actually think if your child is the tough, independent one who loves more tomboy plays rather than follow-the-leader you're actually in a better position! I think kids tend to gravitate towards people who are more like them or who they want to be, so better to stay away from ringleader. My DS1 is very social and energetic, but the crowd can get a little too boistrous for him at times and he tends to gravitate towards the quieter ones.

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