My little boy (nearly 2) is very difficult and I'm not coping

[xnashax]

My son is nearly 2 but Is very forward for his age, his behavior is out of control, he punches kicks headbutts,screams all day long sometimes for no particular reason,he destroys everything in my home even though he has my full attention 24/7.
I have tried everything, time out/naughy corner etc, smacking his leg, taking toys away, talking it through with him, giving him his own space to take out his anger in etc...I have given every method time and tried again and agin with each and nothing works
We've bourght hundreds of pounds worth of toys he doesn't touch, I try sitting with him everyday drawing, painting, jigsaws, books etc and he's not interested for more than 5 seconds he just wants to go outside
As a result we go out eveyday even when I've been vomitting and ill we've had to go out because he refuses to stay in the house and smashes things in anger and attacks me and throws things at me, he's not interested in telly or films (he'll watch a bit of cbeebies)
He's throws food and drink all over the house and if put him in a highchair refuses to eat and throws it on the floor and is so stubborn he'd starve rather than be strapped in!, he will not leave my side and always has to be sitting on me and climbing on me, he dictates everything and its becoming impossible to cook and clean or even wash with him around because he will start getting things out of the cupboard or start throwing thing at me etc. He gets up all throughout the night countless times and then gets up at 7/8 I get no time to myself or with my partener, who helps as much as he can but works 6 days a week 9am till 6pm and doesn't get back until 7.30pm, he is working and still doing most of the cleaning and sometimes the cooking he's exhausted and its put a massive strain on our relashionship he is very understanding and wonderful and I feel awful for him as he does so much and my son is not even his child but weve been together since my son was 6 months and I've known him many years, I feel like a failure I have set a routine for my son and have always tried to stick to it I have been patient with him but I'm sick of shouting and end up pleading with him to behave or reduced to tears, I am mentally and physically exhaustesd and have become so depressed I dread waking up everyday and sometimes sob at night just thinking it,

I cannot work, take up a hobby and have long given up on freinds as he is just such hard work, I feel alone constantly, and the constant stress Is making me ill with chronic migrains, high anxiety and deep depression
We cannot afford childcare and it'll be another year before he is intitle to any nursery time and I'm realy not shure what to do next as I am not coping and have even thourght about ringing social services a few times as I feel I am failing, my son is always bathed and fed etc but i have given up on cutting/washing my hair regularly etc and always look a mess I can't even brush my teeth with him shouting and trying to take the toothbrush so I just give up most days,
My Family are unable to help and my mum tells me I have post natal depression and I'm the problem but I don't see my family often they very rarely look after my son and have never been to my home or seen his behavior around me. My partener firmly disagrees with this also but it makes me feel I have no support what so ever, I am depressed because my situation seems hopeless and noone can help me everyday is a battle and I realy don't knoe what to do next :( x

Sorry I don't know what to suggest. bumping until someone else comes along. Our DD (17m) sounds similar & we also can't afford nursery, I work & DH is full time student, so I really sympathise.

That sounds utterly overwhelming!

Can you go to the GP and ask what help you might be able to get so you can find your feet again - either help if you have got depression (which would be in no way whatsoever your fault!), or help dealing with your DS's behaviour? The GP might be able to refer you on to somewhere like Homestart.

You also sound like you really need a break! Would your family be willing to look after your DS for the odd afternoon? How much can your DP relieve you so you get some time for yourself?

Just sending you my love and support. It's smart of you to reach out here - I'm sure someone who has been through the same will have some words of wisdom.

Have you tried your local sure start centre? They will be able to give you some advice and some of them run free parenting classes, also you could attend some play sessions with your little boy to get you out of the house (some of them do outdoor ones too). Group activities really do toddlers the world of good in my experience.

It might be worth a visit to the GP too, if you are concerned that there might be an underlying issue with his behaviour.

There will be lots if other people to give you much better advice on here. hang in there.

Is your HV any use? Could you chat to her and see what support is available in your area?

Poor you, you must be absolutely shattered

I agree, go to your GP/Health Visitor and ask for help

Is there a SureStart centre anywhere near?

I hope you get some support OP, good luck x

Have you spoken to your local sure start? I used to work in one, and we had a budget for free nursery places for mums who were struggling. They didn't have to be 3. That was a few years ago so not sure if they still do it but they should have something they can do to support you.

They will also have someone there who can help with managing the behaviour day to day, and just general support.

They should also be able to refer you to Home start, who are volunteers who come round and can help with cleaning, looking after children, and are just some company.

Things will get better for you. But seriously, go to sure start. They are brilliant. Tell them how much you are struggling, they are there to help people in your situation. x

www.home-start.org.uk/ you can self refer to some home start services. Give them a call? Sounds like you are having a hard time. What area are you? to keep you going today.

Thankyou all so much for your kind words and advice, it has been very helpful thankyou for taking the time to read my post I didn't think anyone would be interested in me woffling on!
Its very hard, just being a parent isn't easy, and as I'm a young mum of 20 some people are very judgemental especially if your child is badly behaved they automatically assume it must be your lax parenting, I will deffinately try contacting the home start group, I have literally had no other advice realy, other than joining this site and it has made me realise that noone can do what I do and cope alone and that its ok to get help
My partener is up for promotion and hopefully (fingers crossed) if he gets it he'll get an extra 1/2 days off a week ,I also have an online buisness I've started wich has started to take off and it has been impossible to keep up with, but with the imformation about early childcare funding hopefully ill get some time to keep up, thankyou very much again for everyones messages it has honestly been a huge help to me xxx

Make an appointment to see your GP and the HV.

2 year olds are really hard work and I really struggled with my DD Being Two. The MN mantra "this too shall pass" is right, you will come out the other side of this but while you're in the thick of it, do get some support.

I found this book very helpful at that stage (borrowed it from the library then bought my own copy!)

Will you update once you've seen the GP & HV?

Hang in there! The bit between 18 months and 2 is really testing. Lots of toddlers get very frustrated as they struggle to express themselves. Once his language gets better, it will get easier.

This is not a reflection on you as a parent or your age - it happens to all of us.

When DS was the same age I booked onto a course called "Time out for parents" it's a national programme run by volunteer organisations and sometimes churches. It was beneficial in 2 ways - it gave me ideas to try with DS and it also gave me a break from him as there was a crèche onsite.

Good luck

I am speaking from a place of ignorance as a don't have a toddler but to me this sounds like more than just the terrible twos.... Autism and other developmental disorders often emerge at around 2 years old. Talk to your health visitor or GP and ask for a referral to a child psychologist other service.

Please don't think this is your parenting - I'm in my thirties and DD was a lot like this at that age - 18-24 months were the worst time for her tantrums, hitting, biting etc. Apart from a couple of bad periods, 2-2.5 have been easier, she seems a bit more in control of feelings. I strongly encourage you to find a way to get a break - you say you can't work due to childcare but even if you break even it sounds like it would be good for both of you. Unfortunately dd still doesn't sleep through so no advice I can give on that side I'm afraid - we have resorted to co sleeping which I'm not happy about but at least I get more sleep these days. I also have to go to extremes to get dd tired - just remembered as well a stage where we couldn't stay inside for more than an hour without her kicking off getting really naughty and bored - so lots of unnecessary walks to the shops etc. Just trying to get it through that some kids are harder work than others, please don't blame yourself. Sounds like you are doing a really good job and responding to your toddlers needs best you can.

You might want to read through this old thread toowww.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/a1765025-Has-parenting-affected-your-mental-health
Might make you feel less alone

Poor you. You sound totally at the end of your tether and from what you've described I can understand why (although it does sound quite normal. My youngest is 6 now and I remember some days when I just used to sit and cry through the sheer relentlessness of it all. Sometimes I'd walk to the end of the driveway just to get away for 30 seconds).

I do think you sound depressed. It took me 18 months of being depressed before I actually felt so bad I went to the Gp. You see, I was great at painting a face on. Some days were ok, so I thought I was ok. I really wasn't.

Go to your Gp. The advice of a surestart centre is great. My childminder often has mindee's who are paid for by the council while their parents have a break and a bit of support. These are normal, everyday parents like you and us. Ask for help OP and I'm sure they'll be some.

We're all behind you. It WILL get better. xx

I think time away from him would be of course helpful I used to feel guilty for wanting a break like I was a bad mother dumping him or something but now I know I have to have some time to myself and social time ,
I can see how it might look like just the terrible 2's and of course every child has their moments and goes through it but my son is constantly agressive mainly towards me but I can't realy explain what its like unless you experience it, he in incredibly bright he started crawling at just 5 months and walked by 10, his speech at 2 is at the same level as my neices who have just turned 3 , he can dress himself (when he can be bothered lol) he just has this constant attitude and aggressive nature and we cannot work out why or what I'm doing wrong :( he has a strop I'd his shoelace is slighty undone or he drop one chip etc and I don't fix it he's very pricise with things x

Please go and see the people at your nearest Sure Start Centre. They're there to help & all the people I've met (through work links) are there cos they want to help people in your situation.

I also think you should see your gp about depression. If you're not looking after yourself you're not going to be able to handle your challenges well and get the right results.

I find it hard. I'm in my mid 30's have a nice boy but also i feel i suffer cos my husband works long hours - and I work 4 days a week, which actually gives me the break I need! Your situation is much much harder, so please do not feel bad.

we cannot work out why or what I'm doing wrong

Don't assume you are doing anything wrong.

It's really hard to read a post like your OP and tell whether what is being described is simply terrible twos or the result of a developmental disorder. A child with severe autism can sound like one who simply needs some firm boundaries.

It sounds to me like your son's behaviour is quite extreme and is dominating your lives. That rings alarm bells to me.

Go to you GP and ask for a referral to a paediatrician who can get an assessment started if they agree with you after observing him.

Don't let your GP tell you anything like he must be fine because he makes eye contact. They often dismiss children who later end up with a diagnosis.

In the meantime write a diary of a few typical days in your household. Detail in it every incident, every tantrum, everything you try to do to manage the situation and how he responds. That will paint a much better picture for professionals than you just describing it.

If he is assessed and they are happy that his development is normal your HV should be able to refer you for a place on a positive parenting course which should help you feel more confident about giving him firm, predictable boundaries so that things calm down and become more manageable for you at home.

If he does have some developmental issues there is a specialist course you can attend called Triple P which will help you with managing meltdowns, etc.

You could look on the SEN forums about how parents of children with ADHD and ASD cope. I'm not saying he has these conditions but he is obviously showing similar behaviours and there might be information on, for example, helping him with his concentration levels.

While some parents have it harder than others it doesn't sound to me like what your going through is normal. I have a toddler and she has her days but it's nothing like what you discribe. I'm not saying your alone but you are dealing with a very challenging situation and it's not a bad thing to need help.

Do you have much in the way of routine? If he likes things 'just so' then that could work in your favour, especially with bed times and when you do things during the day.

You do sound depressed, so firstly go and chat to you GP about that as ADs/talking to someone should help. Coping with a high energy/demanding toddler would be a nightmare for anyone with depression.

On the advice front I would say be consistent with him or the behaviour is only going to get worse. I know it is hard but you need to remember that you are the parent here and he is just a baby still, he needs your help in understanding his feelings and shouting and timeout will not help in the long run.

Try to make sure he gets lots of undivided attention (i am not pointing fingers, but we are all bad these days for multi-tasking with a laptop or phone, or having the TV on - my toddler will be good as gold but as soon as I talk to daddy when he gets in the door she knows my attention is elsewhere!), if he wants to go out then make sure you have two or three toddler friendly places to take him, local park (or three try to vary it), sure start, library, indoor softplay etc. Try to have some idea what you are doing each day so the week doesn't seem so long.

With my eldest I would do gym/class/something in the morning then park/playground in the afternoon (whatever the weather), that kept her happy - there is nothing worse than hanging around the house with a moaning toddler.

Make sure you are up and dressed before him, with a bag packed with snacks etc so once breakfast is done you can go out for an hour or two. Then come home and have lunch, if he is able involve him in lunch, ask him to choose which bread or what filing. Is he old enough to sit at the table, he might prefer that to highchair/booster? If he throws it just remove the plate/food until he is ready to sit nicely, or he might not be hungry.

Don't expect toys, tv etc to entertain him, he is too young (some kids will play on their own but plenty won't). 5 mins (or less) on a jigsaw/colouring is normal at this age. If anything I would say put away half the toys right now and rotate them so they seem new again in a month or two. He might be overwhelmed with too many toys around him.

Also you didn't mention if he naps, some of the bad behaviour/not sleeping could be that he is overtired, also a break in the day is good for both of you, and gives you a bit of time to get the dinner on or even just sit down with a cup of tea and relax for and hour or two. At not yet two you should have another good year of afternoon naps I would say.

Lastly I hope you do not feel I am getting at you, I am just trying to offer some practical advice. I do sympathise and yes looking after toddlers is really really hard (I also have no family support so I know it is tough to never get a break). I hope you can get some help for your anxiety/depression and start to take a bit of control in the situation. I also hope I have given some useful advice. Good luck.

Also he does sound very bright, but that doesn't mean he is any more emotionally developed, he is not even two - so make sure you have age appropriate expectations for him or you will both end up frustrated.

If he is good at language make sure you label his feelings of frustration (the shoe lace became untied), disappointment (the chip fell on the floor) etc so that he can learn to process them.

www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents

Sure Start centre?