What do you do when your children ignore you?

[BerstieSpotts]

Because DS does, all the time. I tell/ask him to do something and he just stares at me and doesn't do it, or carries on with his conversation or whatever he was doing before as though it's not important enough for him to even acknowledge. It's not that he didn't hear me, because it happens when I have his full attention. It's just pointless things. "Come on then, get your shoes on" "Mummy look at this fish on my picture".

The other day I asked him to stop waving a pizza slice over my important work documents and he just looked at me and didn't move. Or he says Why. Why. Why. Fucking hell, just do it. He knows exactly why I don't want pizza grease all over my work stuff. I don't mind him asking why if he genuinely didn't know.

He is five if that makes a difference. I just sort of end up repeating it louder until I am shouting he does it. Or sort of steer him in the right direction. But mostly I ask/tell him, he doesn't do it, I stand there at a loss going "WTF am I supposed to do now?"

I'm sure this is in How To Talk, which I must re-read, but just wanted to know what other actual people do, not a book.

That's really frustrating!!

Stuff that works for us:

Short sentences / words. "Shoes! Now!"

Positive statements / tell them what you want rather than what you don't want. "Milk is for drinking" "Pizza is for eating"

We're not quite at that age yet, but if he asks why, turn the question around on him. Ask him why (genuinely, not in a sarcastic way) as hopefully it'll make him stop & think.

Also: consequences. If he doesn't listen, always have a consequence that is less desirable than him doing what you want him to do and always follow through on it. "The pizza is for eating, please move away from my papers or I will take it off you". This might not work first time, but after a few times of asking/consequence the message will start to sink in that there will be a consequence and that it's easier to do what you ask. Also, I like to say thank you after DS has done something I have asked him to or smile at him, or stroke his head etc, positive reinforcement and stuff.

Hmm, I do all of those things. I find that the different ways of wording it he ignores as well and then I feel stupid standing there saying "Shoes, now!" and he doesn't even move I tell a lie, I don't always end up shouting, usually I will either reword, give him a gentle nudge, remind him to focus and put the drawing down (which he only picked up after I asked him anyway) or qualify in some way like "Come on, we have to go!" for the shoes one or ask him what he's actually doing.

Sometimes this works, others he just carries on ignoring me and that's when I feel at a loss.

Although maybe I'm being a little hard on him, perhaps he's just being five. Maybe I should carry on as I am but be a bit quicker to say "If you don't..." or "When you have... then we can"

I would probably say "when you've got your shoes on, then I will look at your fish picture. No, I'm not going to forget. When you've done what I need you to do, I will do what you'd like me to do. Yes, I definitely will, no I won't forget, but the more time you spend dilly-dallying, the less time I will have to look... Oh really well done, you've done it".
God, sounds awfully smug, but I've had to do it a LOT.
Re: the looking right through - I don't know. Probably a TOTALLY different tone of voice so that what you're requesting doesn't blend into the general conversation?

I do that monologue too problem is he keeps insisting I look at the fish NOW, just quickly, it won't take a minute, loooooooooooooooooook! and it turns into a battle about that instead of being about the shoes.

I definitely said the pizza thing in an alarmed voice, not my normal voice - I wonder if he's tuning out the shouting because I do it too much

Agree with Rooble.

I spend a lot of time saying "DS please can you go and X". If I get ignored, I ask again. If still ignored, I say that if he won't help me, then I won't be able to help him later when he needs anything. If still ignored, when he says "Mum can you get me a drink please", I say "Yes, once you have done the thing I asked you to do, I will do the thing you've asked me to do".

We also talk a lot about how families help eachother.

Very frustrating, and progress can seem very slow.....!

Oh, and if it's dilly dallying over getting shoes on to somewhere for him, like football, then I just say that it's up to him whether he arrives on time or not. It's no skin off my nose.

Just read your last post. Ignore the insisting. Calmly say "once you've put your shoes on (or whatever) I will look at your fish". Then WALK AWAY. Don't nag, just walk away. Once his shoes are on, look at the fish, but don't do it before!

oh, sounds like my life ;) but its both DS, 5 and DD9. a few things

1. I wrote up a list of house rules - sounds ridiculous but I was wits end, even put a few cute pictures on it, and pinned in on the ktichne notice board. the logic of this is, at least its there so I don't have to spell it out (altho of course DS can't read, but...)
2. shout at them till they listen.
3. offer points for good bevaiour and out them on the board, e.g. DD is going to earn them for actually brushing ehr teeth before schoo.
4. shout (see 2)
5. try very basic 5yr old logic on him, e.g. how would you like it if mummy spilled baked beans on your best teddy bear? / say it slowly and give him time to comprehend...
6. shout
7. take a deep breath and realise (on a good day) that this is what makes parenting bloody hard work wonderful

A shoe race (for example) can be quite effective, either against you or a sibling or both.

If you have a smart phone, there's a 'Quick Kids' app which is basically a timer - if they achieve the activity in the target time (set by you) they are rewarded with fireworks and a virtual token. Maybe a treat when they get x tokens?

OK. Am reassured to know I am doing all the right things. Perhaps he is just being 5 and I am just being impatient!

That app sounds RIGHT up his street, perhaps too much so... I'll check it out :)

I turn to the wall and say "wall " Makes them laugh, but also they know it's like me saying "final warning."

Three things worked for me:

(1) Short positive instructions – instead of “stop waving the pizza around” I’d use “take your pizza over there” or “put your pizza on the plate” (with count-to-three and consequence as below if that doesn’t work immediately)
(2) “When-then” – “WHEN you have your shoes on THEN we can go to the park”
(3) “Count-to-three and consequence” – “I’m going to count to three; put the pizza down on your plate or it’s a time-out – one – two –three”. I had a bunch of little consequences planned out so I didn't have to think too hard; steady counting (think one-banana-two-banana-three), never slowed down and never ever said two-and-a-half ; if he’s doing it on three that meant I'd won, and if he wasn't doing it on three then I always did the consequence!

Good luck, plenty of other good ideas on this thread too!

Ooh I like the wall one. Very succinct