3 year old always asks if a particular career is going to be at nursery...do I worry?

[YukonHo]

Hi,

My 3 y/o has been at nursery for around a year. He wasn't hugely keen at first but now runs in and loves it...unless one carer is there. He asks who will be there every morning nd when I mention this name he says 'oh' in a negative way but is fine when I mention any of the other careers he likes will be there too.

This person seems (to me) friendly and sweet with him, I know he cuddles up with her at times but yet when I ask him how things are with her he tells me he doesn't like her. He is not like this about anyone else we know. Should I be withdrawing him from this nursery or is it just a 'thing' for him? (Perhaps she told him off once ina way he disliked etc) I am worried she is bullying or abusing him and I am not responding to his trying to show me...which I am aware might sound a little extreme, but it bothers me that he is so obviously concerned as to whether she is there or not.

Oh gosh, don't want to read and run but I have no idea.
Can you steer some conversations over the next few days with your DS - ask about the different carers, who does what - try to figure out what happened or why he doesn't like her?

Hope someone with better ideas comes along soon!

Thanks ljny, I have tried that once or twice and he mentioned she told him off, or rather when I asked, 'did she tell you off' he said yes...so I'm unsure if he is just saying yes because I asked. I also asked 'did she hurt you or scare you' and he said no. He seems disinclined to talk about it tbh.

I also don't want to ask too much as that in itself may make him wary of her iyswim?

Could you talk to the nursery manager in confidence? I found it v helpful when my dcs went. Ds didn't like one of the staff & together we got the problem sorted quickly.

Hi I'm a nursey teacher and tbh u should b open about it with manager, I had a similar experience on other side a child was afraid of me :'(.... I was at that time 6 months pregnant....it turns out he thought the baby was going to pop out like an alien :-!.....after him and I discussed it all we were fine.....it could b that simple but as a parent never ignore what ur dc are saying, ur gut is what to go on x

I mentioned it to the nursery manager, she said she had no reason to suspect this carer was anything but lovely to ds but perhaps she had told him off and he had taken it badly.

Wifey, bless your mindee and his alien fears. :)

Hmmm, you see my gut is telling me withdraw him on days she is in, because he can't be reacting to nothing...but this would mean him only attending one day a week and he loves his friends there and the other carers. He actively WANTS to go. ( he also goes to preschool one day a week and is dissapointed when it's 'school' day not nursery day.

Do you get the chance to talk to other parents and have a chat about favourite carers and see what comes up?

Just wanted to mention; it's really unwise to ask directly ' did she hurt you' 'did she scare you'
It could easily put the idea in your child head. Any disclosure of mistreatment must come entirely from your child. I'd give him regular opportunities to talk about nursery; what he likes and doesn't like. Talk about feelings, but in a general way. You could tell him a story about a child being happy, sad, excited, scared etc, and talk about good and bad feelings and that when we are hurt or scared we tell our mummies and they try to help. By giving opportunities to talk, he is very likely to disclose any mistreatment. But it's very unwise to ask ' did she hurt you' or such, cause little children are so impressionable.

My niece took a dislike to one of her nursery staff; asked every day if she's be there. Said she didn't like her. But the most she ever disclosed was that she didn't let her have her juice cup during story time..!!! I'm certain that children have the same capacity to dislike others for no particular reason, just as adults do.
Having said all that; I'd go with you gut instinct. If your going to be worried about it every day, then move him. I can understand how worrying it must be, I hope the situation gets better soon.

It sounds normal to me. All three of my dc had a favourite person at preschool, and a least favourite. And although the staff hardly changed over that time, the favourite and least favourite were different-in one dc their favourite was another's least favourite.

I know if you ploughed down with mine why they liked/disliked it was very simple things "they read funny stories", "they wear a scary clip in their hair" "they always say "wash your hands" when I go to the toilet even when I have", "she let me have an extra biscuit last year"...

And now at school, they have the same likes and dislikes of teachers-and sometimes they love a teacher and a friend hates having them (or vica versa), just in the same way adults like or dislike people they come into contact.

Unless you have other evidence you're not revealing I think it's unlikely she is bullying or abusing him. Saying "oh" in a negative way doesn't really sound that bad. If he started begging you not to send him, or getting upset at the mention of nursery, then I'd worry.