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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 4yr old wants to wear a pink fairies costume to a party...but i don't think HE should!!!

31 replies

mrsforgetful · 19/02/2004 22:34

it started off as wanting to be a fairy and i said he could still wear wings and be a 'boy' fairy- as it was the wings he wanted to wear- then the person who was lending the wings sent round a pink ballet costume and yesterday he had it on all day. we hid it today. now i am very 'liberal' in my thinking- but as he will be 5 in may- he is i think past the 'ah! isn't he sweet' phase. needless to say my DH is adamant that he will not wear it....but i am having real tears from him over this- he even came up to me today pleading THAT WE LET HIM WEAR IT. wHAT DO I DO?? with ds2 we had the 'female' phase at 3- i didn't expect to get it with ds3 as he is 'such a boy!' howver to see him practising ballet moves learnt off angelina ballerina was a picture!

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twiglett · 19/02/2004 22:36

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misdee · 19/02/2004 22:37

oh let him wear it and get in touch with his feminine side. i think mieows ds has a fancy for thinsg pink too.

twiglett · 19/02/2004 22:37

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nutcracker · 19/02/2004 22:46

Have to say, i persuaded my dd (also 4) not to go to a fancy dress party as the Hulk last weekend.
If she had insisted then i would of let her, but was happier when she decided to go in her Sleeping Beauty dress

BadHair · 19/02/2004 23:28

I'd let him wear it. Ds1 (3) spotted a pink heart cushion last week and insisted on having it. No amount of hinting that he might like the yellow star or even the red heart would deter him, and he insisted on hugging it to his chest and cooing to it all the way back to the car (through a busy town and a park).
You might get some funny looks but IMO 4 is too young to get het up about it.

bobthebaby · 20/02/2004 00:53

I was with my ds at a new playgroup yesterday and the lady who was in charge put all the little girls in dress up fairy skirts, she then teasingly said to the one little toddler boy "do you want a fairy skirt?" in a really sarcastic way. His mum then said she didn't want him to grow up a "poof."

I commented that none of my homosexual friends dressed up as fairies to my knowledge and I didn't think the two things were related. We had a good chat after that about when children realise that boys and girls are different, which was a good outcome, as I was new and they could have turned on me.

My ds then went around clutching a doll for the remainder of the session so I am glad that I challenged gender stereotypes early on.

In my usual rambling style this is my way of saying I think he should be allowed to wear it. He has set his heart on it. He is too young to understand the reasons why people might not consider it appropriate, and all his friends are too young to think it odd.

tigermoth · 20/02/2004 07:20

Let him wear it but do take a spare costume to the party too - if not, at least a change into ordinary clothes - or both! Whenver my ds's ( 4 and 9) go to fancy dress parties, they often decide to either change out of their fancy dress back into civvies, or adapt their fancy dress in some way, it depends on what everyone else is wearing and what they are all doing. It's like those christmas cracker hats - lovely idea but the reality of wearing them soon loses its appeal.

I know my oldest is 5 years older than your ds, but when I dressed him as a hobbit( an idea he was very keen on and had chosen) he only lasted for 5 minutes in it. Most of the boys had picked cool action heroes, dressing like the actors in Men in Black or the Matrix. My barefoot and long cloaked ds pleaded with me to bring up some normal clothes from home - I went back to get some and found him in tears when I returned. He couldn't wait to get out of his costume.

If your ds is happy in his costume, that's lovely, but just keep some spare clothes by for emergencies.

Just another thought - I know you say he likes the pink ballet costume, but if he goes back to saying it's the wings he really likes, could he go as a flying insect?

Just realised how appropriate my nickname is here

Marina · 20/02/2004 10:37

Let him wear it, Mrs Forgetful. We had this last September and as Tigermoth suggested, we also took along a monster costume to deal with the inevitable scorn from some of the other little boys. He still finds ballet fascinating - shame they are both a bit young for Billy Elliott.
I'd be proud of his individuality - you probably do have years ahead of him wanting to dress as a hand grenade or whatever. I'm rather sad our fairy days are gone...

dot1 · 20/02/2004 10:39

I agree - it's such a shame that peer pressure will inevitably and eventually make our ds's laugh at all things pink..! Pink is currently our 2 year old ds's favourite colour - everything has to be coloured in pink and we're just about to move house and let him choose his own duvet set colour (he's going into a 'big bed' for the first time!) and of course it has to be pink..! Nice to see him enjoying what he wants to for the next couple of years before convention 'gets' him..!

Original poster

mrsforgetful · 20/02/2004 12:53

I think the idea to allow him to wear it but take the spare clothes is a good one- and as the party is a fairy/pixie theme- he may not be the only boy in pink!!!

It is a shame that there is this stigma attatched to 'pink'.....i cheated when they were little as i used 'peach &blue' clothes together.

I've see ladybird costumes- but he will have none of it!

This morning i felt that lovely 'glow' that you get when your kids do something 'cute' and you feel so happy. I went in the front room and he was sat up in the window sill- i said he should get down incase he fell- he said "but i want everyone to see me" ...he was wearing the fairy costume!!!!

It's not so much the ballet he's into- it's the dress- so 'boy ballet' clothes wouldn't do!!!

Also one of you mentioned nursery...i have never had any probs with them dressing up in anything at nursery...last year his class all dresseed in majorette clothes and shook pompoms to music- it was so sweet....and i agree that wearing pink and wings does not indicate sexuality!!!! At the end of the day- if he were at school and they had a fairy costume and he chose to wear it i would be VERY angry if a teacher told him to take it off...so i feel i am contradicting myself!!!

He's planning what he calls 'sparkles' for his face (glitter) and wants a 'crownk'....which we eventually discovered is a 'halo' (so at least he doesn't want a tiara!! !!!!
for his feet i will get some real white ballet slippers- but not with ribbons up the leg....unless ofcourse he says he wants ribbons!!!

I think what makes this 'harder' is that my other 2 are autistic and have nevr enjoyed costumes (ds1 has never worn a mask) so to have a child throwing himself into the party spirit is alien to me!

Finally in 15 or so years time when he's asked to play a dame in the local panto production- who will 'worry' that HE is wearing HER clothes....it's daft that such fuss occurs in childhood if a boy wants girls clothes....yet later in life it 'can' be acceptable!!

God ! I'm ranting now!!!

OP posts:

SofiaAmes · 20/02/2004 22:09

oooh let him wear it and take LOTS of photos and THEN when he's 16 and being particularly difficult, threaten to show the photos around if he doesn't behave! Really, I don't think it's a sign of anything and if you make too big a deal of it you are more likely to do some damage than if you just let him wear it. Chances are the other 4 year olds won't even notice that it's a "girly" costume.
My ds was prancing around in a pink ballerina costume (left by my stepdaughter) a few weeks ago. My poor dh was mortified as he is a very very very working class northerner who grew up in the worst part of town and just can't imagine the idea of a child not getting totally done for a costume like that. I grew up in hippy california where kids were encouraged to break the sexual stereotypes. Personally I wouldn't be caught dead in a tutu.

LadyCodworth · 20/02/2004 22:10

I would say dont wear it.
I remember the teasing that you could get and I think its a mistake, yes boys should do what they want to but hey peoole arent like that

Please dont

hercules · 20/02/2004 22:13

I'm sooo glad to read this as ds went through this type of stage when he was 4 of dressing up as a girl complete with makeup and used to get reallu stressed if I said no I had never heard of it before and didnt know whether to let him get on with it or stop him totally. Anyway I did let him get on with it and he just forgot about it in the end.
lol at the memories though

hoxtonchick · 20/02/2004 22:52

I'm looking at a photo right now of my nephew at his 4th birthday party last week dressed as a Barbie Princess (if it was ds I'd post it somewhere, but don't want to put up dn's photo without asking his parents). He looked lovely! None of the kids noticed. Go for it!

josiejump · 20/02/2004 23:09

My ds went to a pink and purple party wearing a beautiful cerise dress and matching hat. Was perfectly happy ( despite his Dads shame!) although he did disrobe some way through the party as the dress was restricting his boisterous moves. Personally, I think it's great that they can dress up and feel no inhibitions, and also I'm really pleased that he doesn't give a toss about what his mates think and long may that continue!

zebra · 21/02/2004 02:08

Friends had the same problem with their 4yo boy!

They solved it by finding him a gray tunic, with chain mail over it, purple tights and funny shoes undernearth, and letting him carry a toy sword around and pretend it was a wand! Boy was happy, still considered himself a fairy, although he looked like a little knight to the other party guests (which included 6yo children), and no excrutiating photos or taunts to emerge in 3-4 years time.

I let DS wear a frilly dress when he wants to, but he only likes to put it on for a few minutes to compete for attention with his 2yo sister in her pretty frocks. DH has no problems with it; he himself while totally masculine likes sometimes wearing flowery things just to unsettle other people & their preconceptions.

katierocket · 21/02/2004 06:58

he's so young - let him wear it.

tigermoth · 21/02/2004 07:27

The 4 year olds I know would IMO pick upon the fact that a boy was wearing a pink and frilly outfit. I can't say if they would tease him about it, but they would definitely see it as girly or different. 2 or 3 year olds, no. But 4 year olds, especially if they are at school, yes.

LadyCodworth · 21/02/2004 09:04

phew thank god Iam not the only one Tm

roisin · 21/02/2004 10:16

Both my two boys have always loved pink sparkly things. DS2 (4 at the time) would have happily chosen a bridesmaid's dress when we were looking at wedding outfits, and ds1 has always loved pink frilly things, the barbie aisle, etc. He is currently reading 'pink sparkly books' (which are horrid) and he is 6.5.

HOWEVER what is acceptable in a 'liberal' home, may not be appropriate for an outside 'public' gathering. I remember ds1 wanting to wear one of these fairy outfits to a party, and he was probably about 4, and on reflection decided to say no. Children can be very cruel, and at this age - especially if the party children are at school with him during the week - I think it could prove a disastrous social move.

Blu · 21/02/2004 13:08

Why couldn't your daughter be Hulk, Nutcracker?

This is SO depressing! Reluctantly I have to agree that the poor lad may be making himself vulnerable to peer pressure...what can we do to halt this increasing polarisation of gender stereotypes? (It's MUCH stronger now than when I was a kid, when there wasn't the choice of affordable 'fashionable' clothes etc). Sorry, too doomy for a SAturday morning, ignore me!

Can he be a sprite or elf? (with wings)

tamum · 21/02/2004 13:15

Blu, I completely agree, and also wanted to mention (completely off-topic, sorry!) that I noticed these rainbow windchimes in Baker Ross, and wondered if bear might like them?

Blu · 21/02/2004 13:25

tamum, you SWEETHEART. Did you see my reply to you on the ELC paint thread? I am waiting for bears' rainbow to arrive..I think bear will have to have his own thread soon! Anyway, I'm going to put in an order for the chimes too, as I am told it is bear's birthday soon. (sorry everyone else, we were chatting at the back!)

LadyCodworth · 21/02/2004 13:26

Mrs F I can lend you a mike from MOnster inc outfit, thunderbirds( hat shrunk a little), fireman or a turtle costume

tamum · 21/02/2004 13:35

Yes, I'm sorry Blu, I did see your reply, and the rainbow lights sound lovely. I just thought of your ds when I saw those on Baker Ross, esp. as it will combine his enthusiasm for rainbows with his art
(oo, maybe we should have Bear/Rainbow as a new topic!)
xx

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