Violent tantrums

[Blueuggboots]

My DS is 2 yrs and 8 months.
He hits out a lot when told "no" but has recently started being really violent when he has a tantrum - throwing himself around, head butting, hitting, throwing toys and objects.
I've moved house (with him) after a marriage breakdown. I have kept his routine the same and he has the same childcare as before. He has his own room and plenty of attention as previous.
His key worker at preschool had a word with me this morning because he's hit children at preschool today, which he has never done before.
I put him in time out when he hits and explain that it is not nice and that it hurts. He becomes very distressed but I do stick to time out.
He eats well and sleeps well. He's still napping although that is becoming a trigger point for violent outbursts too.
Any suggestions would be gratefully received.

no suggestions because you're trying all the things we're trying too. DS is the same age and doing the same. I think there's little surges of testosterone happening, he's asserting his independence plus any reaction is good to a toddler. I'm noticing DS is getting 'hitty' when he's missing a connection and needs more positive attention. I'm trying to name the feeling and just keep reassuring him it's ok to feel X but it's not ok to hit

other MNers have mentioned this book which I've yet to try. I'm hoping it's just a phase

I think, pick your battle wisely. If something he is asking is dangerous then, no, he needs to understand that there is a boundary he can not cross. Otherwise, instead of saying no, try explaining and present an alternative without using a word NO, "I see you want so and so, but how about trying xyz? It might be much nicer?" If he is asking for a sweet, and your answer is no, then why not try, "Ok, if you can tidy your toys, then you will get a special treat". Get him to work for what he wants.

Sometimes saying no for the sake of no, or having a good parenting ethos, just ends up saying no to everything, and the kid gets really peed off because they can't have anything!!!