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When do tantrums begin?

11 replies

stargirl1701 · 13/10/2013 22:45

I was under the impression that children began having tantrums around 2. Is that correct? DD is 13 months and yesterday appeared to have a tantrum. Is that likely? I am seeing a tantrum but missing something vital?

We were walking back from the park and I carried her over the road. She wanted down to walk so I put her on the grass. She kept trying to go back to the road so I kept saying no and guiding her to the grass. She lay on the grass and screamed. She did a similar thing today but in the house. Just lay on the floor and screamed after something displeased her (no idea what is was this time).

DH and I are rather bemused. I take it we just ignore it. Any advice?

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letsgetreadytoramble · 13/10/2013 22:55

I have no advice I'm afraid but just to say that my 14 month old DS has just started doing the exact same thing - I was surprised too, I thought they started a bit later. They're just 'mini' tantrums though, so I cuddle him (if he'll let me) and then quickly distract him with something else. He has about 50 a day, which is fun, usually because he wants to eat something inedible which has to be removed from his iron fist, or because he wants to go somewhere recklessly unsafe.

stargirl1701 · 13/10/2013 22:58

Oh, 50 a day! Wow! That's got to be incredibly hard.

I have tried to cuddle her but she signs no and shakes her head. I tried distraction today but she just kept signing no. Should I walk away? She seems so little Hmm I really thought this all happened later - like next year!!

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letsgetreadytoramble · 13/10/2013 23:06

Well, 50 a day is maybe a slight exaggeration Smile but it's certainly a lot and has started quite suddenly too. My DH and I are having slight disagreements over how to handle it - DH thinks I should leave DS to cry and to get over it himself but I think he's too little to do that - he's frustrated and is trying to let me know that by getting cross, which is why I try for a cuddle, tell him I understand that he feels cross and then distract him with anything that comes to hand. I guess that's maybe why your little one signs no? She is starting to have cross feelings and isn't sure how to let you know. The part I find hard is that I can now tell what will spark a mini tantrum with him, so I don't know whether to go ahead with it (ie. take the remote control off him) or just to pick my battles. My DH says it's important that DS understands that I'm the one in charge of the situation, to prevent the tantrums becoming a bigger problem.

stargirl1701 · 13/10/2013 23:10

Verbalising the emotion is a great piece of advice. I will try that. I really feel she is too little to walk into another room.

Thank you! Grin

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letsgetreadytoramble · 13/10/2013 23:13

Yes, I think you're right, they're still so young that they just need cuddles and understanding, and reassurance. Hopefully it's just a phase!

BackforGood · 13/10/2013 23:25

Oh yes.
ds started at around 14months.

At the time, I naively thought that meant he would stop having them at a younger age too Grin

Oh, how wrong can you be!

NaturalBaby · 13/10/2013 23:30

Ds is nearly 3 and has been having tantrums since around this age.

He now has one at least every hour - time for breakfast, time to go out, time to come home, lunchtime, me doing the dishes, time to get big brother from school, time to go home again..... he is a very determined, independent little chap!
I mostly ignore as it's now turned into a power struggle thing, so as soon as he's distracted he picks himself up off the floor and carries on with a big smile as if nothing was wrong 2 seconds ago.

stargirl1701 · 14/10/2013 08:28

Ok. So, it's normal. Grin

I would be happy to 'ignore' a 2/3 year old (I think!) but not a 1 year old. I'm going to verbalise the emotion to her and offer cuddles and distractions. DD's teenage years are going to be a joy, aren't they?! Grin

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HKat · 14/10/2013 08:36

Dd is 17m and has been doing this for the last couple of months...We call it a 'sit down protest' as she does just that sits immediately down wherever she is and cries/shouts if we try to get her to do something she doesn't want to, or stop doing something she shouldn't! Only one full on face plant so far though...

BerstieSpotts · 14/10/2013 09:03

Oh no it's definitely normal around the age of 1 :)

Tantrums aren't naughtiness at this age, though, it's just when they get really overwhelmed by their emotions. It's the first time their brains are really developing enough to experience them (I'm sure babies must have emotions but I think they are far more simple and probably more baseline: fear/pain and happiness)

Basically, you wouldn't expect them to have control over their emotions at the age of 1 (or at 2, or really very much at 3 either) and IMO ignoring them doesn't actually help them learn how to control their emotions or react in an acceptable way, so it's not really helpful.

What is important of course is to not let the tantrum change how you would have reacted, so if you've already said no, not to backtrack and change your mind. But equally if the situation is (for example) you've said they can have one biscuit and they're kicking off because they want two, I wouldn't take away the first biscuit.

It can help to try and "reduce the WTFness of being a toddler" (to steal a wise MNer's words!) by warning them in advance what is happening next, in a way that they understand. Never say "in five minutes" but use events, e.g. "We will play one more game and then it's time for bed" or "After going on this swing it's time to go home". When she gets a bit older you can give her more control by saying she has time for 3 more things at the park but she can choose. Oh, you can also use this for safety stuff like "When we get to the big road you have to go into the pushchair".

Also try and be aware of concepts/instructions she doesn't understand, like "Share" "calm down" etc - to use the sharing example, at their age the concept of playing with something that somebody else is using at the same time is utterly incomprehensible. Plus when adults barge into their argument saying "Share nicely" it doesn't help, because they don't innately know what the word sharing means - you have to teach them and show them. I find that the concept of turn taking is FAR easier to explain/model for this age group and more of an age appropriate expectation too. Start off with an item/toy which the actual playing part is short but only one person can physically play with at a time, like a ball or a slide. You sort of hold one child back at the top while letting the first go down, saying "Tommy's turn" then when Tommy has finished you let Jessica go, saying "Jessica's turn" and repeat, prompting them to line up and wait, get out of the way at the bottom etc. With a ball you use this as they kick/roll it to each other. They get the idea. Once they understand turns, then it's easier if another child is playing with something they want, you just say "It's Tommy's turn now. Your turn later."

I think verbalising the emotion and also allowing her to experience things like frustration, sadness etc in a safe environment help - don't always rush to fix everything for her or help if she's struggling (e.g. to build a tower) - use words to encourage and say "Never mind, try again!" and when she is sad about something, just hold her. It's really good and healthy for her to learn that there's nothing wrong with feeling sad/angry/frustrated, but that it's not okay to express these by hitting or screaming or whatever.

MiaowTheCat · 14/10/2013 10:40

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