I'm too strict - help!

[kingbeat23]

I have a 4.5 DD who is mostly happy, funny, charming and expressive. She hits most of her development markers on or above her age range and is fully communicative.

We have both had a 6 week programme with a child psychologist when she was 18mo as she headbanged when she tantrumed which went well. Time out resulted in complete melt downs and escalated the situation. Reward charts and calm talking helped.

She's recently started reception and likes it. Doesn't really like the fact that it's every day but still goes without a fuss. She also does breakfast club and childminder 3 mornings/afternoons a week on the days I work.

The main issue at the moment is her crying over everything. She cries when she gets told no, if she gets told to stop doing something, if she falls over. The latest one on the walk home from the childminders was due to me not attending the coffee morning at the school (I was working).

I saw the dr today who asked me how I'm coping etc as DD was playing up a little in her surgery and when she got told to sit down, she cried and threw herself on the floor.

Oops, I've run out of space. This is really long. Sorry.

So anyway, I spoke to DM who thinks I'm too strict on DD and it's been mentioned by my DNs before too. I don't know what to do or how to change or even where I'm being too strict!

Please help me if you've managed so far!

It sounds like she may be tired because of starting school. She also sounds like a normal 4yo who wants her own way and crys when she doesn't!
If your worried about being too strict the why not ask your DM and dn what specifically they mean about being too strict and ask for examples.
But in the mean time take into account she is pretty tired from a long and demanding school day and be firm but fair when she crys and plays up.
And you have the strategies you learnt when she was younger, maybe try some of them again as they worked before.

My first guess is that she's learned it off someone else in reception! If she's normally pretty happy, then I wouldn't worry too much. It's probably just something she's trying out - if it doesn't get lots of extra attention, it'll stop.

Thank you for the reply. I think I will talk to DM tomorrow. I have a parents evening tomorrow (yes, 4 weeks into the year) and her teacher wants to talk to me about her emotional development (she singled me out to tell me today in the playground at drop off).

And breathe and relax and try not to beat myself up.

I can't really work out what it is you're doing that is too strict OP?

My ds was very emotional and tantrummy when he first started school. I had totally underestimated how tired he was going to be by it all. What helped was earlier nights, keeping weekends as quiet as possible, lots of cuddles and being firm about the important stuff but cutting him some slack on more minor bad behaviour.

I think this is the worst bit tbh - the initial novelty of school has worn off and the tiredness has accumulated. I found it got much better after half term.

If your DD wants something, stop and consider if it's feasible, before agreeing/disagreeing.

If there's a valid reason why she can't have/do it, then, no, you're not too strict.

As others have said, she will be very tired, having just started reception. Make sure she's eating well, and having plenty of sleep.

Maybe she's just exhausted from keeping it all together at school. Both of my older children were unusually weepy and tantrumy in the term they started school. There liked school and had no difficulties, it was just stressful being in an unfamiliar environment. They needed to come home and just sit in front of the telly for an hour to regain their composure. And lots of hugs.

I know she's only little but could you give her a little "space" all this charts and being on track with her developing markers, she's probably tired and crying is the only way she has to say she wants a rest from it.

If you become less strict this will get worse. My dd isn't like this all the time (4) but the crying to get her own way sounds so familiar! The only young that has worked is bring really firm, saying no and then 'you don't need to cry, nothing is wrong!'. I feel like an evil cow not indulging the crying big it got just ridiculous. I have been known to impose sanctions if she continues bawling too as it is , essentially a tantrum.

I would listen to the teacher. It could be she has spotted something. Fish what's see your GP and get referred to a paediatrician.

I can't see anything in your post that sounds as if you are too strict. But Grandmothers can be over indulgent sometimes, often in contrast to their own past parenting.

I am a firm believer that children go through a "naughty" stage when they start school. Usually due to over tiredness, and trying out things they have observed others do.

My dds are a bit like that.
Dd1 is 11 and still cries if she's caught out and told off!
Dd2 is 2 and is a moaner too.
I often found after school it was tiredness and hunger so had some success with taking a snack for her to eat on the way home.
Is she getting plenty of sleep?

Does she get love? Praise? Cuddles? Small treats?

I think school is such a step forward, children may need to 'step back' a bit at home.

Maybe development markers aren't that important - or even appropriate. As an adult I feel I am constantly going two steps forward, one step back.

I think the OP is just telling us that there are no concerns about her child's development, not that she's pushing her constantly to achieve the next goal as soon as possible

OP I am wondering what you mean by strict.

If you mean that your child has clear and consistent boundaries and knows exactly where she stands you are doing exactly the right thing. There are times when it's appropriate to relax the rules a little but you need to be careful because the child can then decide to push a lot harder to force the boundary to move once it is back to normal.

If you mean that you use excessive punishment, then yes, that would be damaging and upsetting to her but there is nothing in your posts to suggest that this is the case.

Your DD has just started school and is probably physically, mentally and emotionally overwhelmed by the intensity of the experience. She cries because that is her way of processing the emotions she is feeling and communicating to you that she's finding things hard at the moment. Listen to the message she is sending you.

If you can respond by cutting down the time she is out of the house this would probably help. If that isn't realistic can you try to make the time at home a little more nurturing for a while to help her recharge her batteries ready for the next day?

Also remember that you are her safe person. She was upset that you weren't at the coffee morning but she couldn't let those feelings out in school. She's allowed to be upset that the other children had their parents there and she didn't. This is something she will need to learn to cope with and she will as she gets older. In the meantime it should be OK for her to express those emotions to you, you apologise and explain and then you find something positive to focus on instead.

Don't change your parenting style unless you are very sure, deep down that it really needs changing. To do so would just rock your DD's world even more and cause her even more stress. Add more cuddles and quiet times perhaps but don't move the boundaries unless you are very sure that they are in the wrong place at the moment.

Yes I absolutely meant that she has no underlying issues when I was talking about development milestones/markers and used it in this post as it was something the GP used too.

By too strict I mean that my mother said this in a general "I think you're too strict on her sometimes" and my nephew said in the car "you're very strict auntie kingbeat, not like my mummy" and also thinking that this might be an underlying cause for the crying.

Drop off today was challenging. She thought all the parents would leave the children in the playground (like one if the reception teachers had said) but when she saw other parents going in, she wanted me to come in too and then kept on trying to leave. I had to leave her crying I knew she would be ok in a few minutes but still not like her. She told them she was tired. She's been having naps in the day there too (stopped napping at 18mo) she went to sleep at 6.45 last night. She's always been a terrible sleeper and only started going through the night at the beginning of this year.

Thanks so much for your posts I'm listening to all of it.

I'm not sure that being strict is a bad thing if it means that your child has a predictable secure environment where she knows what is expected of her. This is what children need. I can't imagine how being strict could be making your DD tearful. It's more likely to have the opposite effect.

It sounds to me like your DD is just finding school very hard work at the moment. My DD2 is ten but has Asperger's and so is quite like a five year old in her emotional maturity. She responds in a similar way to your DD when she's been in a socially demanding and sensory stimulating environment all day. She copes while she's there and then falls to pieces when she gets home and relaxes.

If the only reason you're considering changing your approach is the possibly ill thought out judgments of your DM and another child, I'd say you should stick to the parenting style that works for you.

If you feel there aspects of your parenting you should reflect on then looking at them in the mirror of MN could be helpful but, in the end, you need to look at other reasons for your DD's tears and tiredness, not just to your own parenting.

I think it's a mix of a couple of people's comments that have made me look at my parenting style. Her reception teacher wanted to talk to me at her parents evening chat about her emotional development and had made remarks to her childminder about falling asleep in class. The GP wondering why she wouldn't listen to me and sit still in her room.

I sometimes catch myself saying don't do this or that to her and think "shut up woman, leave the kid alone" maybe at that point I should step back and do something else and recognise I am being tough on her.

Try having the same expectations of her behaviour but use positive language. Tell her what you do want her to do rather that not to do things. Say "please sit still" instead of "stop wriggling" etc.

Delayed emotional development and falling asleep in class are unlikely to be cause by you being tough or too much of a disciplinarian. Could it be that the GP was thinking of her development rather than your parenting when asking why she wasn't doing as you asked?

Yeah I think it probably was. I had an awful night trying to get her to sleep last night. 8.30 pm

Taking everyones advice on this thread and just trying to take it each day at a time.

Time out/punishment in that form doesn't work for DD. When I used to do that it used to escalate it to another level. Now I let her cry and shout as much as she wants but I let her know it is not acceptable for her to do it in communal areas (living room etc) and that it's ok to be angry and when she wants to talk to me I'll be there with a cuddle and not shouting works a bit better.

My very lovely friend who is a gp will readily admit to not having a clue about what was normal child behaviour before she had her own. My health visitor was visibly horrified at my dd's behaviour when she protested loudly about having her jabs done. My dd is an exceptionally well behaved and happy child who just happened to kick off because she was having a crap day, what with strangers stabbing her with needles and the like. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that "experts" and people who see you infrequently will often not really have a clue about your child and your parenting style.

I think you're doing fine and you've just got a child who takes a while to adjust and protests loudly while doing so.

Carry on as you are, offering cuddles, letting her express herself and offering age appropriate explanations of what as expected of her.

There's never a bad time to reflect on your own parenting, we should all do it often, but it's also OK to conclude that you're doing the right things and that there are other influences on your child's behaviour too.

Thank you so much for your replies. I know I should have a bit more faith in myself but when you get people in respected positions querying you and your parenting. Having your responses has really helped me. Thank you.

My 4 year old has phases of ramdom crying also. My take on it with her is that it's actually a form of mini strop and for attention. So that makes me much harsher than you.....

I've also found out that she's been wetting herself and not yelling anyone as she thought she would get in trouble. She's prone to UTI as well. She has a spare change of clothes at school but didn't want to change as she thought she'd be in trouble for that too. Poor sod had nappy rash (well chafing, but you know what I mean!)

Explained it all to her, slipped a note to give to her teacher about it as I won't see them until Tuesday morning (breakfast club and childminder) and hoping for better tomorrow. Only a little bit of playing up tonight. 7.30 bedtime.

She sounds as if she needs a lot of reassurance at present. She may well also be wetting herself because she is too nervous to ask to go to the toilet.
I would probably phone the school during the day, maybe get the teacher to phone you at lunchtime? Do they have email?

And to think I was feeling all PFC about calling/emailing! I've slipped a note in her bag to give to her teacher today with my number on but I might call the school today too!