really tired of 4.8 year old ignoring us

[rhetorician]

that's it really; selective hearing to beat the band. We are constantly nagging, cajoling etc just to get her to listen to the most basic requests. Most times I end up asking her about 10 times to do something. She has just started school, and is perfectly able to follow requests (e.g. at swimming lessons), just not mine. She is a bit 'unusual' e.g. it doesn't occur to her that it isn't ok to stab her corn on the cob with a pencil etc despite years of explaining rules in simple terms. She is perfectly bright. Sometimes she is so absorbed in something that she doesn't hear, but mostly she just chooses not to.

But I don't feel in control of her a lot of the time. Ideas? We already have reward chart which works well.

What sort of things exactly is she ignoring?

I am not sure you ever feel 'in control' of a child, no one likes to be told what to do. Are you giving endless instructions and directions, why not try leaving her to find out a few things for herself, obviously unless there is real danger involved, let her find her own pace.

My DS is 12 and I am still exasperated that he can't get his school bag ready on time, but if he is late and gets a detention he will have to learn the hard way.

mostly they are things that she doesn't want to stop doing , playing outside, or making a big mess. Compliant she isn't, but doesn't seem to have much sense of natural consequences, e.g. doesn't accept responsibility for her actions (which sounds a bit grand for an under 5, but you know what I mean!)

Sounds quite normal to me but two things that might be helpful. Get her hearing checked ask your HV for an audiology referral it's important as she has started school that she really can hear properly. If that's normal then it's behaviour and what I did was request twice and then assume she has heard and carry on regardless. An example would be if she doesn't put on her shoes pretend you haven't noticed and expect her to walk outside in her socks, if she complains act innocent and say "but I asked you nicely" bright kids catch on very quickly and it reduces the stress for everyone.

I think her hearing is fine - she perks up notably if you randomly insert 'maltesers' into your statement. Twice sounds like good strategy - some of it is habitual (and I can hear how naggy I sound even to myself, let alone to her) and some of it is attention seeking

The issue with selective hearing, is that for as long as you're happy to repeat things for her, she won't pay attention first, or even second, time.

I like the example above about asking her to put her shoes on only once, and then taking her out in her socks if she isn't ready. She'll catch on, particularly if the consequences aren't very nice.

Also, I found getting eye contact vital to the message going in.

I wonder if maybe she is particularly intelligent? What has happened is that you have repeated things so often that she has learned to ignore it. She possibly never needed to be told in the first place but because she doesn't appear to respond you asking again falls on ears that have been shut down.

I went on a course once and there was a technique where you didn't simply tell your child what to do, you got their attention, told them but stood by them until they did it. The simple fact of you standing there, silently, has the effect of their actions being noticed. It particularly helps with things like TV, where they are really absorbed and can't help themselves.

More than likely you are right on both counts, if you suspect attention seeking then praising when she does respond promptly will probably get you further than nagging when she doesn't. Sounds easier than it is good luck.

she is very articulate about it - "I'm ignoring you now Mummy". Little so and so. Getting her to make eye contact when she doesn't want to do something is very hard!

Sounds like my ds. He switches off by choice i think.

DS1 is like this, but he's a bit older (almost 8yo)

When he is very absorbed in something, I start by saying "I'm going to ask you something and I would like you reply so that I know you have heard"

It's a bit long winded, but gets not bad results.

I often remove the choice if she fails to respond or answer, 'do you want x?' No reply, 'no, then'. Cue wailing and wild back pedalling. I think passedgo and others are right! she doesn't have to listen because she knows I will say it again and again

I would recommend the website ahaparenting - it's by a child psychologist - and it really helps you think about/see the parent/child relationship differently. It's quite suprising following the advice on it- you actually see your child change before your eyes.

Also don't forget to praise her when she does do good listening. I had this with both mine at the same age - life is too interesting to listen to Mummy, and she will repeat it anyway so "meh". So a reward system, stickers, marbles in a jar, whatever may also back up a change of approach.

Also try the "Two minutes until you need to get your shoes on/turn the television off/stop playing". She will be forewarned that she is to be interrupted IYSWIM and it is easier to take.

ha ha, this morning she asked me 'how many times have you asked me to do x so far?' fishfingers I do the warnings, and sometimes use a timer which does help. It's mostly (1) transitions between things (2) less interesting stuff, e.g. getting dressed v feeding her dolls breakfast