I need bedtime help - your best tips needed

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

how do you get your kids in bed??? I am at my wits bloody end. have seriously had enough. It's just a horrible horrible escalation. I start with promises of rewards. some element of their behaviour means they're not going to get the rewards. next stage withdrawal of story. I am SO clear, crystal clear. "if you are not in the bathroom by the time I count to 5 you will not get a story" I say it twice just to make sure. but no. dd2 doesn't comply and utterly crumples when I declare story withdrawal. downward spiral continues. dd1 gets upset because I'm angry. cue fake crying (probably cos dd2 is getting all the attention by virtue of being such a bloody pita)I get crosser, but fake being calm, and talk to dd1, tell her I'm not cross with her but I will be if she doesn;t get quiet and go to sleep. transpires dd2 has hidden dd1's favourite teddy. confesses it might be in the toy cooker in the ugly fake plastic kitchen thing downstairs. I find it. This devastates dd2 because - apparently - it wasn;t in the cooker (she was making that up) it was in the fridge. and I, apparently, must have looked in the fridge. (the cooker is the orange door, the fridge is the green one, at least now I know) that bit's making me laugh now but it didn't at the time. apart from pouring a stiff g and t how do we get out of this? I think I suffer from mirena-related rage. dd2 knows all the buttons to press to wind me up and sometimes I really really can't cope with it. I've had enough of spending an hour of my day like this.

dont know if its more difficult with more then one child as only have the one dd who is 2.5mths but we established a rotine from day one, so its probley not that helpful, but we do is like this

1. dinner a 5ish, while dd eating put away all noisy/active toys. after dinner she only allowed quite time toys eg puzzles,drawing Etc.

2. 6 - 6.20 bathtime after bath straight into pj's.

3. Cuddles story, potty asks for bed at about 6.30 - 6.45 put to bed with her books to look at and she will sleep to between 7ish the following day.

i know this sound quite harsh but it working for us and dd know what to expect.

Two points only to make:

You wrote "I say it twice just to make sure" - why?

I used to do this to (actually, everything got said 3 times, 3 chances, count to 3 etc) until it was pointed out to me by experienced mum of 4 boys that all I was doing was teaching my child that he can ignore me 2 times!!!!! And its true - by giving an instruction/threat/whatever more than once, you are letting them ignore you, and teaching him only to pay attention to you when you have said something over and over again.

So, I changed to "if you do x again, you will go to your room" - only had to do that once - worked a dream (DS is 2.2 yrs).

2. also, about withdrawal of story, i read somewhere that the "punishment" should be immediate, whereas the threat of not having a story if you don't get into the bath is not immediate. perhaps you could say "get in the bath or you go immediately to bed" or whatever else is appropriate in your house

hope this helps

oh, you do actually have to carried out the consequence immediately upon infraction (so, in my case, when he threw his food on the floor, i took him immediately to his room with no further warning) - otherwise, you are back at empty threats again

mine were fine age 2 and a half. just now they are at digging their heels in age. koala - good point about saying stuff twice; and good point about immediacy - although this was pretty immediate - they were only going to the bathroom to brush their teeth, so story (or not!) was a matter of minutes away (or not...). I explained to dd2 that these things are up to her; that if mummy says do x or y will happen/not happen then it is entirely down to her whether y happens or not. I think I maybe need to be a bit less flexible. dd's favourite phrase is "can i just...." it drives us up the bloody wall - I think we need a few days of complete zero tolerance. calm zero tolerance.

DS is going through a bad patch here, constantly getting up and asking for things mostly. DD still small enough to stick and cot and ignore. What has helped - starting early - early bath, then we go back downstairs and watch TV, DD gets her milk and a story of sorts, DS might get one book. Then we go back up for teeth/story/bed. I am much less rushed then through each stage and have time to walk off and ignore (computer is conveniently close by!) I also threaten removal of story at any stage if there is too much mucking about. When DS finally gets into bed (having checked he has teddy/drink/cloth) he gets a story to look at in bed. He always gets up regardless, so I have taken to asking "Is it important?" And then after about 20min I say I'm going down for my tea and I don't want to see them again. By that stage they're usually tired out! I think it is also partly summertime - they are much less keen to go to bed when it is sunny out and this long drawn out bedtime process winds them down.

We also have smiley chart for general behaviour but bedtime is just one of many - I was pondering merits of specific smiley chart for bedtime and a specific reward.

DD is 4.7 is OK at going these days, but gets up about 10.30-11.30 and there goes the rest of my evening. She normally comes down and says she needs a drink (there is one right by her bed) and she "needs me" (never dh) and she is "scared" or "lonely". We used to go through what you do, the woman, but the threat and follow-up worked really well (She had to go without baby for a week). My only advice is persevere, and if anyone has any ideas to keep mine asleep all night I would be grateful

Mirena rage?! That must be why I get so cranky these days.

Can the mirena really affect moods that strongly?

Reece - I don;t know is the answer to that. I have had a number of stresses recently so difficult to tie it to one particular cause. But I do wonder. It feels very phyical, very hormonal, if that makes sense. It's not like feeling an emotion, it's much more like something physiological going on. I'm very reluctant to remove it becuase it's such a great form of contraception. If my doc could whip it out for a couple of weeks, just so that I could see whether it does affect me, that would be great, but if it doesn't and I want one back in again, I think she'll be v. cross! There have been threads on here about mirenas and negative effects - but just so difficult to know.

Won't it be great when the male pill gets a licence!

I have to confess to being a mean gina ford mummy from day one and it works like a dream (so far...). Can I advocate, along with the other suggestions immediate punishment and an hurried drawn out routine, 2 things that have worked for people I know. First is a chart that tells them in pictures what happens next and ask them to tell you. This makes them feel in control and proud that they can tell you what to do next (love the reverse psychology here). Also,perhaps while having story time, give them a warm drink (if they won't drink milk then something not too sugary or with loads of E no.s) as the physiological process of warming up then cooling off again is great for inducing a wave of tiredness-old fashioned but effective!

Good luck,I'm sure you'll find a way that suits you

sorry - should have been 'unhurried'