Could someone clarify the 'put the food in front of them & ignore' thing please?

[notwoo]

My DD (4.5) is a bit of a fussy madam. She isn't too bad with meat / fish & 2 veg type meals but professes to dislike anything 'mixed' or with mince e.g. spag bol, casseroles, shepherd's pie etc.

I have been cooking 1 meal for the family (have got younger DS who eats anything and everything for now) and including at least 1 thing on her plate that she likes e.g veg, rice, cheese etc.

But if she leaves the bulk of her meal surely she's not getting a balanced diet. I know the theory is that she will be hungry enough to eat again at the next meal but she is pretty stubborn!

I can get her to try new things and have at least a couple of spoonfuls of things she says she doesn't like (she even sometime says she likes it then but rarely has any more) but I'm not comfortable with the amount of cajoling and or bribery we have been resorting to.

Any ideas?

Not directly answering your question but just one idea. I was exactly like your dd, didn't like anything "mixed" like spag bol. Looking back, I now believe it's because I didn't like onions (it took till my 20s before I liked them) and my mum used loads in any mince based dishes. It might be worth making a batch without onion? of course this may not be the case for your dd at all but worth a try...?

if she eats all the food groups but just not mixed up together I wouldn't worry about her diet tbh, as long as she is having protein carbs and veg she'll be fine. it's just a pain for you to have to prepare things that aren't mixed the whole time...

She doesn't like onions - I don't put many in and try to chop them up small & don't even mind if she picks bigger pieces out but I suppose I could be kind and make something without!

Yes - that's the problem. I do resent (maybe that's not the right word - sounds a bit harsh but ykwim) having to either make 2 meals or just eat plain food all the time.

Keep trying!
She might not like some things now, but keep introducing them every now and again. She might just come round to it.
She's old enough to be involved with some food prep, so get her to join in, tasting the food as she goes along. Take her food shopping and ask her to choose the meal for 1 day.
Having other kids around who enjoy most foods really helps. Sitting together to eat helps too. Kids mostly learn by example.
Praise her for trying new foods. We say 'well done for trying it even if you don't like it right now'.
Give her a smaller portion. She may feel overwhelmed if her plate looks like a mountain of food. She can always have more if she cleans her plate.
Cut down on any snacks and treats in between meals and don't fill up on drinks before or during the meal.
Praise what she does eat and appear not fussed about what she doesn't.
Not all kids are food orientated. If she's healthy then she probably eats enough.
She probably knows what's expected of her at the dinner table. Take the pressure off her by not mentioning the food issues.
Oh, and never prepare different meals for fussy eaters. This will ruin all your good work and send you down a slippery slope.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

My 2 yo DS has opposite preferences to your DD. He doesn't like any meat and two veg meals but if I bung it in a casserole or curry he loves it!
I just serve up whatever I am cooking and leave him to it. If he eats his food great, if not the I still offer whatever pudding I was planning on (usually fruit,yoghurt, fruit pie but sometimes cake)but nothing else. If it is a brand new meal he's never tried before then I offer an alternative. If he messes about with his food he gets a warning if he carries on he has his food taken away. I try and offer food I know he will eat four days a week and then other food for the rest of the time. He has on occasion gone to bed not having eaten since snack time at 3 but after about 8 months of this he is just starting to eat something from a roast dinner so I think the end is in sight.

You're right to be uncomfortable with using cajoling and bribery. The longer that goes on the harder you are going to find it to get her to eat a balanced diet. That goes ten times more if she is stubborn. You really don't want to get into a battle of wills because you can guarantee she will win.

Try to think of her diet as the food she ingests in a month, not a meal. Children naturally go through times where they eat more of one food group or another anyway so even a month isn't guaranteed to be balanced for a good eater, never mind a picky child.

You need to thin of the pressure you're putting on her as making it harder for her to eat. You're giving her a pressure to resist, a reason to fight back. Combine that with raised anxiety about pressure to eat reducing her appetite and it's clear that you need to back off.

If you're really concerned about whether she is getting all the essential nutrients keep a diary of what she eats (don't let her see it). After a month you can analyse it and see if you think anything essential is missing. in fact I bet there is an app or website somewhere that will do it for you.

If you're still concerned as for a referral to a dietician who can do a more reliable analysis of her diet.

You'll probably be surprised at how good her diet is and how much more she is getting than you realised.

If you resent making two separate meals don't do it. You need to be able to relax and, if you've made something specially for her, you'll be even more stressed if she leaves it.

Make your normal family meals as you have been doing. Sit together, allow her to serve herself and talk about everything but the food. Serve a healthy dessert unconditionally and again don't comment.

It may take some time for things to improve but at least you won't be making matters worse

Does she like cheesy mash? I hide cauliflower cheese in cheesy mash for DP. He's 22 and we've lived together for a year and he hasn't realised. It's all the same colour and texture after a rigorous mashing and it's very nice

Ds1 is older, but was fussy when younger.

Lots of praise for just trying really has worked. If he decided he didn't want it, no more pressure. And offer again and again, later in the month.

Ask for help and input with meal ideas too 'Would you prefer pepper or tomato with this?' (Ds would say neither, but he knows he has to try a teeny bit so chooses peppers, for example)

It helps if mine are ravenous when it comes to meals. So, no snacks or if you must just very light things or veg sticks/fruit as far away from dinner as you can.

My DD is close in age to yours.

With younger children (like my DS, 23 mths) there is not much point trying to insist that they eat something they don't want to eat.

But with kids the age of our DDs you can and probably should insist that they try at least a bit of what you are offering them.

Last night we had sausage mash and greens. DD says she doesn't like sausage and mash (but ate all the greens up). We insisted she ate two bits of sausage and four scoops of potato too before pudding. They hardly need to eat anything at this age and I think a pile of greens, four spoons of potato, two bits of sausage and a yoghurt with fruit and honey was fine in terms of size and balance.

We always insist she tries all of her food so now DD knows we are not going to change our mind and pretty much just gets on with eating the required number of scoops! When she says she doesn't like things, it's never a really strong dislike. If I gave her something and she was, say, sobbing because she didn't like it, I probably wouldn't insist she had x number of spoons. I think there is a difference between "not being that fond" of a food and not being bothered to eat it, and finding something so horrid you can't bear the thought of eating it (I don't think people should be forced to eat in the latter case).

Could you offer your DD smaller portions? My DD seems to manage much better if she just has a little bowl of spag bol etc. rather than the huge plateful that I am always inclined to give her!

I couldn't stand anything 'mixed' when I was young either, I can still remember gagging whilst trying to eat stuff like that. My mum did end up making mostly things in separate piles, and i'm reallt glad she did. If the rest of the family want bolognese etc could you give her just the spaghetti, then cold stuff that doesn't need preparing, like some cheese and tomato, to make sure she gets all the food groups?

My DS2 is just 4 and also quite fussy. He likes lumps of meat, and carbs, but not so keen on veg. Mainly it's as Bumpsadaisie says - he's not that fond and can't be bothered to eat it.

I also use a fair amount of cajoling and bribery to get him to try foods and to eat a few mouthfuls of his vegetables. Once I've finished my food, he can come and sit on my lap and I will feed him some of the veg. (I'm not wild about babying him like this, but he does fierce 4yo independence in most things so I live with it.) He is improving.

I don't make separate food for him, although I do try to avoid meals that he really dislikes, same as I would for anyone else. And we do insist on him trying the bits he says he doesn't like. He knows that we always do this, and accepts it. He does the same thing of sometimes saying that something he's tried is really yummy, but then not eating any more of it. I think once he's got past the initial hunger, he just can't be bothered.

Thanks for that - all very sensible & useful. Will try smaller portions and try to deconstruct meals a bit if possible like DIY suggests.

I think bumpsidaisie has hit the nail on the head with there being a difference between food she hates and food she's not fond of and I do think it's good manners and behaviour to at least try what you've been given and I was struggling to square this with the 'ignoring' approach (which I totally understand the reasoning behind).

I find the 'can't be bothered to eat' thing baffling as it's one of my favourite hobbies!

re the mince - what my mum used to do was just squeeze a handful of mince together, fry it on both sides, and voila a hamburger. I would eat this as it wasn't mixed. So your dd could have this with plain spag and maybe some carrots on the side when the family is having spag bol?

I take a no nonsense approach with my 2 ds's.
Don't they say that you have to eat something 10 times before getting used to it. That's in relation to weaning. But it still applies. To new foods introduced. If you've never had broccoli before, or a curry. You need to keep trying it. Then you learn to like it.

Oblomov - aren't there any foods that you don't like? any at all? I've tried olives at least ten times as I wish I liked them, sadly each time they still taste disgusting to me. I don't agree that you get used to anything after ten tries.

ds1-lettuce
ds2- eggs. But this week he has asked to try them and had egg and soldiers this week.
I don't like cockles, mussels etc. Brussell sprouts.
Dh hates tuna.

I didn't mean you can like everything. But generally we have to try many times.
And I was refering generally to an Op who has a fussy child. So not just one or two foods.

Definitely agree too that once the initial hunger has worn off they can't be bothered. It reminds me that the first thing DD ate last night when she was hungry was actually a piece of sausage (which she "doesn't like"!).

After that though I think she just gets bored and full quite quickly.