Feeding my toddler has become my obsession - he wont eat

[AlCookie]

I think i have created major feeding issues for my toddler. I have posted my problem many times about my 18 month old not eating...but i think i m the reason it all happened. He has been tiny baby so over a period i have developed an obsession to feeding him. I fed him any way i could - distracting with toys, in front of the tv, shouting, force feeding (i know i m a horrible mother...)

Well...now i am at a stage where nothing works. All the 'strategies' fail n he just wont eat. He will just say no when i offer him anything.

I have to let go..let him feed himself but i get overtly concerned that he hasnt had anything (literally nothing these days since about 2 weeks). Eventually sometime in the day i start resorting to one of my stupid methods in the hope that he will eat. Once in a while i m successful, but mostly its either a battle or a throw up. I get so angry after that which of course later i regret.

He will eat fruits but nothing else. Probably because i never interfered with fruits n he has always eaten then himself.

So here is my situation and i need suggestions on how to overcome the huge mistake i have made. Oh n yes...he wont drink milk either. He was exclusively breastfed n never really liked milk. When i feed him, i manage to sneak yogurt n cheese n bla but now that me feeding him does not seem like an option...i dont know how to make sure he gets the nutrition he needs. I m very depressed n sort of alone...mu husband is quite busy with work n mostly not there to help apart from dinner.

I try to believe that he wont starve himself but its too tough for me to let go. Today morning - i gave him a piece of toast with butter, a boiled egg and a sippy cup with milk. (Egg was a regular for him, bread sometimes, milk is always a problem). He only had 1/3 egg. No milk, no bread. Should i have given him his fruits after that? If i give him the fruits, he knows he will get the fruits n then there is no question of starving or not starving. If i want him to learn to eat proper food as well, then should i not give him fruits unless he eats even slightly satisfactory? Or should i give him fruits irrespective? Fruits have been a major part of his diet always n i know he will eat it. But i cant understand how to make him want to eat his regular food.....

Please please help. I know i have complicated matters for myself but i m really sorry n i want to get out of it. I was trying the strategy where i feed him breakfast n rest of the day i leave it to him. But now me feeding him anything is not working. I am afraid he will lose weight, or some long term impact.

Toddlers tummies are tiny, they need small meals, think the size of your fist. It appears they eat nothing but it's enough.

The best thing you can do is relax. They pick up on anxiety and use it in a power play. Don't make it a focus. And of course look at it over a week not day by day. Don't override his regulation and appetite by trying to force him to eat through distraction or whatever. If he's hungry he will eat.

Weight fluctuations are normal. Some days they eat others they don't, activity levels vary. Go by your Ds not by the weight or chart.

Also taste comes into play more at this age they appear to go off a lot of foods. Stop panicking , offer one meal he eats it or he doesn't, no alternatives no snacks immediately after.

Here's a small practical suggestion related to the fruit eating. Dd is a fruit monster and when she is being stressed about eating I will often just pop a couple of small bits of fruit, some grapes or something on the plate with her other food. I know she will eat these and it just helps to get her going sometimes. So if I were you I would actually include the fruit with his meal.

Also try small and often. I think a third of an egg and a bit of fruit is fine for breakfast. Try then offering the rest of the egg or the toast with no pressure an hour or so later. If he doesn't eat it that's fine but dd often goes for half her breakfast first thing and then polishes of the rest a little later.

Bless you. You really do need to relax. Its especially hard with your first (I assume he is your first?) as you don't have the experience to take a longer view. All kids of 18mths - 4 ish can be very fussy about food and sometimes hardly eat a thing. Especially when teething etc.

Just put things in front of him. If he is that hungry he will eat! If he doesn't eat much of an egg at breakfast (for example) try something else (eg a nana or an oat bar or something). If teeth are bothering him he might just want yoghurt or something like that.

If he doesn't want to eat anything then fine, just leave him be, and remember to take a snack and drink with you in case he is hungry later.

Tell yourself that you will do a week without badgering him to eat or hanging around him. Just give him a bit of space to get on with it.

Children really don't need to eat very much. And he won't be this fussy when he is older, they grow out of it. And you haven't created a situation that is set in stone forever, children are very adaptable and you can always take a decision to change your approach.

Good luck. You sound like a lovely mum who just needs to chill out a bit!

You are the one with the problem here. He is eating what he wants to eat from what is put in front of him. He's making choices. You're getting far more stressed than he is.

It isn't your job to make sure he gets the nutrition he needs. That's his job. Your job is to make sure it is available to him.

He won't change his eating habits because you change your behaviour for one morning, or even one day. This has to be a whole new long term approach to food and things will change very gradually.

If you know he will eat fruit then let him eat it. Think how you behave around him eating fruit and force yourself to take that approach around other food too. Offer them both together and offer no response whatsoever to which he chooses.

You know you're not helping by trying to pressurise him, sneak things in, etc. In fact you'll just make the whole thing more of an issue. He's going to be fully aware of what you're doing and every strategy will be met with a new way to refuse sooner or later.

You cannot win this battle so stop fighting. It is not too tough for you to let go if you realise that not letting go is doing harm.

You know what you need to do. If you can't do it alone get a friend to join you for a few meals but make it a friend who will have the right approach, not someone who things they will get him to eat instead.

Unless he is very underweight you are not going to hurt him by letting him get hungry so it's fine to limit the fruit to a reasonable amount and leave him to choose whether to take the other foods on offer too. Just don't get involved when he's eating.

Goldmandra - love that para : It isn't your job to make sure he gets the nutrition he needs. That's his job. Your job is to make sure it is available to him.
That says it all really!
OP - my DD was older at about 3 when she stopped eating almost overnight. I knew why - there were stressful things going on - but it really was hard to deal with. She would eat about six foods and that was all. It took a long time for things to settle but now as a teenager she has a huge appetite, eats a wide variety of foods, and enjoys cooking. It does get better, honestly!

There is a big difference between not eating and eating small amounts. Be careful what you say in front of him.

I say this as my screwed up mother would brag that I didn't eat anything except cucumber for the firast 10 years of my life.
If that was true I wouldn't have grown up or been healthy at all.

She had some pretty awful ideas about eating and me. The end result was serious issues about food and eating, especially in public, for the rest of my life.

Your kid is small. They don't eat that much.
Not everyone is hungry at every mealtime every day either.

Hi OP, I think it's good that you recognise that it is your attitude that is the problem and your expectations towards your child eating. I seriously recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/My-Child-Wont-Eat-mealtimes/dp/1780660057

I also had issues with my DD who seem to be surviving on air sometimes! Great piece of advice I was given once was to never judge what they eat during the day, but look at a whole week instead. Much more satisfying, you should quickly find that actually, they are pretty good at eating a variety, just not in one day!

My DD's appetite is very small comparing to a friend of her age, yet both girls are similar size and develop similarly. If it makes you feel better, here is what my 2 year old had today: a quarter of toast, small yoghurt ( half), some raisins, banana, didn't touch lunch at all (apart maybe from a small bite), some apple, was given fist sized pasta portion with veg andsauce and meat for dinner, had probably half, maybe a bit less.

She never finished a meal, even though I never overload her plate. Some days she eats more, some days she seems to be surviving on air.

I think it's normal, please try to relax, they can sense your anxiety.

I hope you suceed to change your ways and relax. Hope the book helps!

btw, I wouldn't give fruits straight after breakfast, even if you think he didn't eat much. maybe wait and give him fruit selection for mid morning snack? Don't feed him anymore, let him explore self feeding, he is defo big enough!
I know it must be hard, fongers crossed for you.

You poor thing. You've got yourself in a real muddle haven't you. Is there anyone who could take over a few mealtimes for you? A friend or relative? Even someone at a sure start centre. Just someone else to step in and break the battle ground between you?

What happens if you put a few things in front of him and just leave him to it?

I have three DCs, youngest is 18mths, and just like yours, is refusing to eat.

Won't let me feed him, just wants to play with it and mush it around in the bowl.

My other two went through this stage and I swear for a period of about 6 weeks, they got by on grapes and fresh air.

Go right back to basics, try not to worry, give him easy finger foods, eat meals at a table and you sit down and eat too. Toddlers love to copy, let him see you do it and he may well copy you.

Believe me, I understand the anxiety of your child not eating - ds1 had feeding difficulties and was in and out of hospital when he was a baby and tube fed, and didn't manage to start weaning until he was 15mo. And then he refused 'normal' food and would only eat sweet things, because he had swallowing issues - he learned to swallow by eating dissolvable things like meringue and trifle sponge fingers. It was the advice of the SALT team to try him with that, but in hindsight, although it helped him learn to swallow, it did us no favours regarding his diet and his tastes. I too got very frustrated at times and couldn't manage to control that. But it does have a detrimental effect on their feeding - Mummy shouting isn't going to encourage them to eat. You need to change your attitude to feeds from "he's going to starve if he doesn't eat this" to "he is not going to starve if he refuses this meal, we throw it in the bin and try again next time." It is very hard, but you need to make mealtimes light-hearted and non-pressurised for him. If he has gone off you feeding him, you may need to make it all finger foods for now. And a lot of it may go in the bin. Don't see a meal uneaten as a waste of all that time preparing it - it wasn't a waste of time, it was an opportunity for him to have a look and play with some different finger foods, and hopefully not a stressful event. I did 2 finger food meals a day for 5 months before ds1 ate and swallowed a single mouthful. I would have gone crazy if I had considered them 'mealtimes', so I thought of them as 'finger food play'. Speak to your health visitor for some support - you are feeling isolated and like you are alone in this, and passing on a little responsibility to a professional helps. They may also refer you to Sure Start, who can come and do messy play with your lo at your home. We did that with ds1, although I have to admit it wasn't a huge success. But he had medical problems and had issues with textures etc. You might find it much more successful. Some toddlers eat very little and manage just fine. Your lo probably just has a small appetite. If he eats half an egg at least he has had something, and filling and healthy too. Try lots of finger foods tha you can just leave him to poke and try if he wants to. Don't shout and stress if he doesn't even try them. Just smile and chat to him, and drink a cup of tea when he eats so that you're having something too and it will help you relax a little. My dd2 (nearly 1yo) likes grated cheese that she will pick up herself and put into her mouth, and also pasta. Try finger foods like grated cheese, muffin pizzas with tomato puree and cheese, pasta, french toast, omelette strips, little sandwiches. Remember, when you are tempted to shout, that encouraging him to eat is more important as a long term thing, not for that particular meal. It's better for him to eat little in the short term but not be put off eating and develop a food phobia. He'll get there in the end. My ds1 is now 4.9yo and although still has a limited diet, eats good sized portions and is healthy and tall for his age. Talk to your HV. All the best.

My DD2 never ate half an egg, or half of anything. She was way worse than this. I could not stand trying to feed her so..... She went 3 half sessions a week at Nursery and stayed for lunch. It was noted how much she ate and gradually she improved over an 8 week period. At 20 months she had extra Christmas Dinner at home. She actually asked for "more"! We still remember the moment and it was the best present. Getting our child to eat with others worked for us and it took her out of my hair for a few hours. It was not cheap but I was less stressed and this was best for both of us. You do not have to do everything yourself. However, I found my very stubborn child extraordinarily difficult to deal with and I was determined to stop it from ruining our relationship as I became more and more angry with the whole futile process of preparing food only to throw it all away. I meal all!!! Give yourself a break and find a nursery!!!

BazilGin I too have a DD who was capably of living on fresh air, oh and ice cream.

EBF and a total refuser of any type of milk. She was a dream to feed from 5 months (Drs orders as she wasn't even on the graph) until she was the OPs age or a little older. Then she just got fussier and fussier and ate, what seemed like bugger all.

Now 12 she's just beginning to get better.

As far as I can see she thinks food is boring, not surprising when you refuse to eat 80% of what's available, and gets in the way of playing.

Between 5-12 months she ate, then she reached the 50 percentile and steadily got more awkward. In truth I now realise she simply had reached the place on the graph she belonged and has remained for 11 years. She is exactly average sized.

She is simply programmed not to over eat, it's the way she's made. The fussiness, however is just her control freak nature. She could eat a little of more things and make life easier.

However, there is no point in worrying or fighting, because you can't get a child to eat if they don't want to.

Hi, I have a 19mth old and if it helps this is my approach to food and meal plans:

Breakfast - approx 3 tblsps porridge/1 weetbix and a few bits of fruit and 1/2 piece of toast, milk or water.
but he may take only a few bites of each and a sip of milk and thats it. Breakfast over.

Morning tea - a combination of these: fruit/cheese/crackers/biscuits/raisins
keep in mind again, it might be 1 cracker and a bite of fruit, a baby handful of raisins.

Lunch - one of these usually: Baked beans on toast/soft boiled egg/pasta dish/leftovers/toasted sandwich and filling.
He's usually pretty hungry and stuffs his face. But if I put something new on plate he points at it and asks what it is. I tell him what it is and say its yummy. he might try the tiniest bit and spit it out but I then say, try a bit more and pop it in his mouth. If he spits it out again, fine, I just leave it and will try again another day. But sometimes he just needs a bit of encouragement.

Afternoon tea: same as morning tea.

Dinner: meat and veg of some description, pasta, cottage pie, fish and salad - pretty run of the mill stuff really.

Post bath snack if he didnt eat much dinner - usually weetbix.

I provide the food at these times and if he wants it, he eats it. If he's demanding food outside of these I say he has to wait til the next meal time - usually he's demanding biscuits so I don't give in (but maybe give him a biscuit with his next meal - not every day though!). I do help him eat yoghurt and porridge because his spooning method tends to result in food flung up the walls but I do let him practice every day but sometimes he wants me to feed him when he gets frustrated.

My advice is as everyone else has been saying: let him be and let him be the judge of his appetite. Have structured meal times and don't eat outside of these - you will have to set the example. Let him get hungry and take a step back. He might surprise you once he realises he's in charge. But it might take some time as he's used to meal times being a battle and maybe he won't eat but I'm sure he will eventually. Give it some time. Goodluck.

I had a picky eater who I swear drove me to my wit's end fourteen years ago. I hadn't discovered mn then (and maybe it didn't exist?) otherwise I would have posted a virtually identical OP.

My mum came up with the 'don't think about what they've eaten today, what have they eaten this week?' mantra. I luff my mum, she's been hideously right so often, although also extremely annoying. Quite hard work as she does read Daily Mail and sometimes you have to spend time weeding out her own opinions from whatever she's read in the recent leader columns... but I digress.

I went for a policy of not making an issue of it, (while shitting bricks in private) - and it all came good in the end.

Anyway, said former Picky Eater is in Netball First Team, down for three A*s, 3As and the rest Bs, and just got a Distinction in Grade 4 Piano.

She will happily neck all known foodstuffs, especially chips, but also healthy things too... basically far too happy having fun.