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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

what do I do about DS's eating?

26 replies

bonzo77 · 03/10/2013 14:15

He's not fussy. He will eat anything, even things he doesn't like. If I feed him. If I don't, he eats 1-2 mouthfuls. He will eat cake etc with more enthusiasm, but he still won't have much. He is 3y 7m. But I cannot feed him all the time. I have a baby to feed, and even he is trying to feed himself.

I think I've caused this. He was always a poor feeder, and was tiny at birth, so I've stressed over it. And I'm impatient so feeding him has been quicker.

I've tried stickers, bribes, shouting, leaving him to eat alone, sitting with him, eating with him, letting him chose and prepare the meal. Putting a time limit on it. Small portions, large portions, helping himself from a serving dish. Just now at lunch today he sat for an hour with his favourite meal, which he chose: a small portion of pasta with tomato sauce mixed with cream cheese. By small I mean a small handful, about 1oz before cooking. He ate about 1/4. I sent him to bed for his nap without in the end. He cried and said he was hungry. I said he could have supper early, but nothing till then.

He is an active child, goes to kindergarten 5 mornings a week, sleeps well and is average for height and weight (going by his peers, I haven't had him weighed or measured).

And how to avoid this with DS2? I'm trying to avoid spoon feeding all his meals, and stop offering food once he starts refusing it.

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flyingwidow · 03/10/2013 20:21

Re. your older DS- I'd take a bit of a breather. Let him eat however much or little he wants, but try and avoid big snacks between meals. Maybe just try fruit if he says he's hungry before meals. I think you and he have got into a rut of you getting stressed, and him picking up on the stress and not eating.

With your younger DS let him dictate how much he eats with finger food. Refresh yourself with the concept of baby-led weaning. A little bit of puree won't hurt (IMO), but when the child expresses they are full, respect that. But, again- not too filling snacks between meals.

lljkk · 03/10/2013 20:26

concentrate on quality not quantity. So whatever he does eat, make it good stuff. He won't starve himself.

birdsnotbees · 03/10/2013 20:28

Agree with the poster above. Let him decide. Back off. Stop cajoling and please don't tell him off or punish him for not eating. Just dish it up and if he's not hungry, fine (though in our house that means no pudding or snacks between meals; they get plenty of both if they do eat proper meals.) I know it's hard but if he doesn't learn to eat by himself, and you don't learn to back right off, he'll have a lifetime of problems. That's not meant to be harsh as I am the mother of two fussy eaters.

bundaberg · 03/10/2013 20:35

i agree with the others. you need to just back right off.

i would say yes though to eating with him. children learn by modelling... and all of mine eat better and mess around less if at least one of us is sitting with them eating.
so have your meals together, give him a smallish portion so he isn't overwhelmed, and once you're both finished just clear it away.

fruit as snacks between meals.

CreatureRetorts · 03/10/2013 20:41

Stop feeding him. Don't make a big deal.
I would give him snacks. To save the hungry meltdown and making food a power thing. You can give small healthy snacks, one mid morning, another mid afternoon eg a banana, yoghurt, hummus, bit of cheese etc. decent enough to keep him going a bit.

Madamecastafiore · 03/10/2013 20:44

How much does he drink? The 3 day nanny thing last night showed how much the little boy drank which meant he was constantly full. They cut down how much squash he drank and low and behold he ate loads more than normal as was actually feeling empty!

Goldmandra · 03/10/2013 20:45

As others have said just present him with the food and let him decide how much to eat.

If he chooses not to eat very much at one meal he will be hungrier at the next meal and eat more. If he doesn't eat much at that meal he'll be even hungrier by the next.

The more hungry you are the nicer food tastes so he will enjoy the food more and find it very hard to resist the urge to eat.

As his weight is normal he won't come to any harm by eating a little less than normal for a few days. What you need to do is force yourself to resist the urge to top him up. That won't be easy by any means but it is probably the key to happier, more relaxed meals in the future.

Original poster

bonzo77 · 03/10/2013 20:48

Exactly. I know I need to back off. I know what I need to do. I don't want to cause a life time of problems, which is clearly where this could lead. I really feel he is starting to lay down memories and behaviours for life and I want them to be positive ones. It's just so difficult! We've never punished for not eating, and rarely give snacks as he doesn't ask. My big down fall is cajoling and getting cross. DS1 and I have a new pact about not shouting (he's got it off me). It's all related.

Having not really eaten lunch and been denied snacks when he asked this afternoon he did eat what he picked for supper (sausages rice and grapes, I call that a balanced meal). DS2 can't really get the food in his mouth, though he's getting there, I tend to just post the food in (he had the same dinner as his brother) while leaving a few bits on his tray to play with.

I'm sure I read here that the correct amount for a meal is the size of the persons fist, so am spending a lot of time eyeing up their hands and trying to change my expectations accordingly.

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Original poster

bonzo77 · 03/10/2013 20:49

So basically it's me not him!

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RoadToTuapeka · 03/10/2013 21:00

Sounds like you are on the right track, well done!

Have picked up some tips myself as DS1, nearly 3, is like this, wanting to be fed and quite happy eating almost nothing if I don't feed him. Has been worse since DS2 started solids but thank goodness for warmer weather (or lunch picnics in the lounge on a blanket) where we can all eat with less pressure while the baby picks up bits and pieces and I seem to stress less about what the eldest is or isn't eating.

Goldmandra · 03/10/2013 21:08

You know exactly what you need to do and that you're the one creating the stress.

Now stop eyeing up their hands. It's up to them to decide how much to eat and it doesn't matter a jot if it's the size of their fists or not. It isn't your job to get involved in quantities.

So, if i understand correctly, tonight your DS has eaten a decent balanced meal without you interfering. You've taken the first step.

Tomorrow you need to build on that by not allowing yourself to get at all involved in what your older DS chooses to put in his mouth. Serve the food and leave him to it.

With your younger DS keep stopping as soon as he refuses food. Do not under any circumstances try to persuade him to take one last spoonful, even if that would leave the bowl empty.

You've made a good start. Now keep it up

Original poster

bonzo77 · 03/10/2013 21:40

Right. One meal at a time. They won't starve themselves.

Do I sit and eat with them? Or hover and potter? Or leave them to it and leave the room?

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Original poster

bonzo77 · 03/10/2013 21:41

Right. One meal at a time. They won't starve themselves.

Do I sit and eat with them? Or hover and potter? Or leave them to it and leave the room?

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hettienne · 03/10/2013 21:45

Sit and eat with them. Talk about something other than the food though!

Goldmandra · 03/10/2013 21:50

Sit with them and eat at the same time. Talk about lots of nice cheerful things, make plans together but don't mention the food at all.

If you find yourself getting stressed and think you're going to crack, make and excuse to leave the room for a moment to regain your composure. I don't know how old your younger DS is but he sounds quite young so don't go where you can't seem him for more than a few seconds in case he chokes.

Good luck tomorrow. It won't be easy but it will be worth it

lljkk · 04/10/2013 09:29

make eating a social occasion but no comment on what they didn't eat.
The problem is when they dont' eat a reasonable choice but then clamour for something crap instead. You have to stand firm on the menu selection.

gazzalw · 04/10/2013 09:32

My DS used to be a lot like your DS but he's grown out of it thankfully. I think once they go to school full-time, they need the energy to fuel their brains as well as their bodies. Try to chill about it - I know it's not easy but as many posters on here have already said (and grandparents would all concur), children don't starve themselves.

Tillyscoutsmum · 04/10/2013 09:38

Is there an element of him feeling a bit pushed out by ds2 and wanting to be "babied"? A bit of an attention thing maybe..? Perhaps if you concentrate on finger foods/blw with ds2, the issue may sort itself...

swallowedAfly · 04/10/2013 09:42

can you afford to have him stay for lunch at kindergarten? eating with other children his own age helped ds - they do some to eat better with other children around eating to model upon.

bearing in mind also that once he goes to school lunchtime is not that long and they're keen to go out and play so the limited time takes on more... motivation iyswim.

if you can afford it i'd let him stay for lunch at nursery and ask how he does.

swallowedAfly · 04/10/2013 09:44

btw my ds is 6 and is still painfully slow at eating a meal and needs loads of reminders to keep eating but he manages to get through his packed lunch at school and get out to play so i wouldn't worry too much.

i leave the table when i can't take anymore of sitting there and leave him with his food, then leave his food there and if he asks for anything else say 'have you eaten your dinner yet' - cue moaning and me saying you can have x when you've eaten your dinner.

swallowedAfly · 04/10/2013 09:45

sorry one more - i don't just leave the table i literally leave the room and the only attention given to it is the verbal responses from afar when he asks for something else outlined above.

he's not getting any additional attention so at least it rules out that as a cause itms.

Original poster

bonzo77 · 04/10/2013 13:17

He has lunch at nursery once a week. I actually have no idea how much he eats and how long it takes. Next term he'll probably go for lunch there 3 days a week, it's the maximum they do, and we can't change part way through the term.

I think all the cajoling actually might have reinforced the behaviour. Somehow the meals need to be about refueling and perhaps socialising. Not discipline. Anyway. Lunch was calm today if drawn out.

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swallowedAfly · 04/10/2013 13:54

ask nursery how he eats there. it will help you to gauge whether the cajoling is a factor for example and generally whether this is a home issue or not.

birdsnotbees · 04/10/2013 15:44

You're on the right track, well done. My DS was a terribly slow eater, still is, but has got faster as he's got older. I'm hoping that by the time I retire we'll be eating at the same pace

Original poster

bonzo77 · 04/10/2013 19:37

I realise that this is starting to look like my journal but... They both had peanut butter sandwiches, yoghurt, cheese and cucumber for supper. Minimal drama, DS2 tried to feed him self a little. And big break through for me: I asked DS1 if he'd had enough, and when he said he had I threw the rest in the bin. The last couple of meals make me feel like a total dick for letting / making things get so bad.

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