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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is a 20 month old really capable of bullying?

14 replies

beansprout · 27/06/2006 21:37

Dh picked ds up from the CM today and was told that he had been "bullying" another child today. The other little boy about 7 months older than ds.

Can a 20 mo really bully or is this just toddler behaviour? We think it's just toddler stuff but am a bit worried that the CM would choose to see this in such a negative light.

Any thoughts please.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 27/06/2006 21:41

it's toddler stuff

Caligula · 27/06/2006 21:42

Would change the childminder.

apronstrings · 27/06/2006 21:45

at 20 months children are very self centred and motivated to get their own way - true some are more pushy than others and understand to some extent what they are doing - but this is way before the age that children develop empathy.
I would be upset that the cm had put this in such negative terms, although I assume you want her to help ds with concepts like sharing, taking turns and being kind to friends. I would expect her to have some strategies if not you might have to dicuss some with her.

handlemecarefully · 27/06/2006 21:46

God no!!!! It's impossible to be a bully at that age

Original poster

beansprout · 27/06/2006 21:47

Ds is my first so am not sure what the appropriate strategies would be. Can anyone advise me?

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 27/06/2006 21:49

When he is playing with other toddlers in your presence just reinforce and praise good behaviour and give a firm 'no' for any undesirable behaviour. That's about it really.

Original poster

beansprout · 27/06/2006 21:51

Thanks hmc. That's pretty much what we do.

I get confused though when I see him push another toddler or take a toy away - what's the best thing to do then?

OP posts:

Caligula · 27/06/2006 21:52

I would expect any childminder worth her salt to understand this tbh. I'm not one of these "she must be a child psychologist and if she's not at least as good as Tanya Byron she's not worth her £3.50 an hour" types, but I do expect a modicum of basic understanding of childhood behaviour from someone who presents themselves as a childcare professional. A childminder should know that a 20 month old is incapable of bullying and that such negative language is highly inappropriate to describe toddler behaviour.

Sorry I'm really annoyed with your CM! But hope you get some good advice on how to manage this.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/06/2006 21:53

I'd encourage him to give the toy back, and to say "sorry". My DS2 is 21 months, and has been saying "sorry" (stroking his victim on the cheek) for a while now. It seems to help, a bit.

"Bullying" is a weird word to use for this age.

edam · 27/06/2006 21:54

God, my friends and I still have to 'encourage' our 3yos to take turns and share stuff. So I wouldn't be at all surprised that a 20 month old struggles with it - don't think they have much concept of other people having rights and feelings at that age.

I think you might be able to do some stuff with him looking at very simple faces - drawing a sad face, happy face, angry face - and talking about those emotions. Or using those books with close-up shots of baby faces. (Amazing Baby do a couple of them - just one pic per page, massive close up on a facial expression). But expecting real empathy from someone that age is way too ambitious IMO.

foxinsocks · 27/06/2006 21:57

you have to let him know that pushing/snatching isn't acceptable (so a 'no') but tbh, at 20 months, there will still be a lot of snatching that isn't done aggressively but much more in a 'I want to play with that toy' way.

like caligula, I would be pissed off if my CM spoke about my child that way. I would hope she had some experience of children that age and could sort out pushing/shoving herself!

Original poster

beansprout · 27/06/2006 22:02

I think I will see how the CM describes ds tomorrow and take it from there or I might say "dh said you had some concerns about ds yesterday" and see what she says. To be fair she is very good but I was concerned by this particular comment.

OP posts:

sparklemagic · 27/06/2006 22:16

good luck beansprout - you definitely, definitely do not want your DS spending time with someone who talks about him so negatively - if this was to go on and on it could certainly affect his sense of self-worth and self esteem....and I would be concerned that she could think about a 20 month old as a bully........

florenceuk · 28/06/2006 11:24

Hi Beansprout! How is it all going?

Agree, at 20mths it's just typical toddler behaviour. Some are just more assertive than others. DD is particularly good at snatching toys and wailing "Mine" as she has seen her big bro do it lots of times. I think gentle encouragement to share, distraction and failing that removal of said toy is probably best.

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